Area Man Steals 'The Onion’s' Format Because He Thinks He’s Funny

CHICAGO, IL – A local man named Tommy decided to steal the fake news format of revered periodical 'The Onion' in order to serve his depressing need to be creative. Throughout most of his life, Tommy has devoted himself to swimming, school, and a career in finance. For many people this would be enough, but Tommy has always had a pathetic, undying need to be funny. He tried his miserable, little hand at stand-up comedy and Second City, and he was a creative director of Kellogg’s "Special K!" school play (which doesn’t make any sense because it’s a fucking business school). The included picture is an actual head shot for which he paid actual money in his vain attempt to be artistically successful. Now that he’s entering the next stage of his career, which will likely destroy his soul over the next few decades, he created this blog in one last ditch effort to make people laugh. He stole 'The Onion’s' fake news format because he’s always enjoyed it but really because he doesn’t have any other better ideas. “The Lonely Petunia” name comes from a song about a petunia crying in an onion patch—get it? He hopes you enjoy, but you probably won’t.

Seriously, what an asshole...