Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant infighting and addiction to accomplishing absolutely nothing. “There are kids getting neglected food and cancer treatment and government workers being denied pay because these ‘leaders’ are trying to stop a bill that was passed three years ago.” Frank Bensinger, a registered Republican, said, “Look, I’m all for smaller government and individual liberty, but not at the cost of holding the American people hostage. That’s not in the constitution.” Mr. Collins and Mr. Bensinger then agreed, like all Americans tired of their representatives, that it’s probably better to run this country with a simple children’s game than with the people they’ve elected to run things. Heeding the nation’s call to do away with political bickering, Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner squared off in a match in which Mr. Reid’s paper covered Mr. Boehner’s rock, thereby restarting the government and funding the Affordable Care Act. At press time, Mr. Boehner was demanding to make it a best 2 out of 3.

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