BREAKING: Government Shut Down Clock Shuts Down, Government Continues

WASHINGTON, DC – The ticking clock counting down the minutes to the 12:00AM deadline for Congress to pass legislation to fund the government’s operations shut down this afternoon around 3:55PM EST, causing all members of both the House and Senate to revert back to serving the American people. “I think the clock malfunction brought us all back to our senses,” said a slightly dazed and confused Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “When it stopped ticking, I looked over at Harry [Reid], and we both realized that the clock is really an arbitrary mechanism used for political gamesmanship that holds the American people as hostages. It’s kind of a silly thing if you think about it.” Mr. Boehner and Mr. Reid then shook hands and agreed that this kind of brinkmanship is completely ludicrous and emotionally draining for just about everyone. They then vowed to "forget this nonsense" and get back to doing what the American citizens elected them to do. “We’re going to get back to work.” At press time the clock started up again, and Mr. Boehner punched Mr. Reid in the face.

It's counting down their approval rating

Black Man Forced To Back Of Elevator

ATLANTA, GA – After leaving his corner office on the top floor of the Coca-Cola headquarters, John Robinson, a black man, entered the elevator alone only to be forced to the back like some sub-human unworthy of a front row position. Mr. Robinson got on the elevator on the 29^th floor as a free and independent rider. At floor 27, however, a white male got on, imposing Mr. Robinson to take a step backwards. At floor 23, another patron entered, driving the proud African-American another step farther. And so it went. With each successive entrant, Mr. Robinson was being pushed not only to the back of the elevator but backwards in time to an era of hatred, when men and women were subjected to systematic mistreatment based solely on the color of their skin. When the elevator finally came to rest at the lobby, the collection of cold-hearted racists flooded out onto the ground floor as Mr. Robinson could only wait his turn. Finally, Mr. Robinson and a white woman were the only two people left in the elevator car, and with his spirit crushed and his mind fully aware that battling the tides of social oppression equates to futility, Mr. Robinson was forced to let her go first. 

Racism is a group effort

Area Man Excited to Find out What Kind Of Rental Car He’s Going to Have Sex In

CHARLESTON, SC – Waiting in giddy anticipation at the Hertz service desk, area man Matt Gray is excited to find out what kind of rental car he’s going to drive around town and eventually have sex in. “I hope it’s an SUV,” said Mr. Gray, who came to Charleston from Boston with his wife Vanessa Gray for their nephew’s wedding. “I reserved an Economy car, which usually means a Camry or something. The seats go pretty far back on the Camry, so we would be able to fool around pretty comfortably.” Matt then tried to remember if the arm rests go up enough for his wife to give him road head on their drive to the ceremony. “Hertz is pretty good with upgrades, though. So, if we get, like, an Escape or even a Tahoe, we’ll definitely be able to put the back seats flat and have some fun. Don’t come a knockin’, am I right?!” At press time, Mrs. Gray told reporters it’s not happening. 

Come on baby, make it Hertz so good.

Boss’s Party Going to Be Great Time Says Boss

SAN DIEGO, CA – The birthday party happy hour for Regional Vice President Gerald Preston is going to be a great time according to Regional Vice President Gerald Preston. This afternoon, Mr. Preston could be seen going from cube to cube in the Horizon Company’s regional headquarters telling everyone that they should definitely be looking forward to this evening’s revelry between 6-8PM at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. “I know how you kids like an open bar,” Mr. Preston said over a muffled chuckle before winking at Administrative Assistant Karen Jameson. He also made sure to thank everyone for surprising him in the main conference room with cake and ice cream after lunch. “I was completely and pleasantly shocked,” said the beaming mid-level executive. “And everyone sang so beautifully!” Around 5:30, Mr. Preston giddily started to “rally the troops,” telling everyone to “stop working so damn hard!” Final reports showed that after the party everyone plans on going home to their respective families and loved ones, and Mr. Preston will be going home also. 

No gifts necessary

REPORT: 1 in 5 Handicapped Milking It

WASHINGTON, DC – A recent report paid for by the Republican National Committee to demonstrate frivolous spending in Obamacare shows that 1 in 5 handicapped are milking their disabilities to gain the public’s sympathy. “We wanted to reveal to the American people the truth about healthcare spending in America,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, standing in front of a poster-sized pie chart with 20% of it labeled “Fakers.” The study had numerous examples including a man living in poverty on the south side of Chicago who uses a state-funded wheelchair despite the fact that he “clearly has legs.” “Don’t be duped by their crutches, seeing-eye dogs, or special education teachers,” said Mr. Priebus. “Some of these so-called ‘disabled’ are simply out to rob you of your hard earned dollar, and they have Obama wrapped around their allegedly crippled finger.” He then held up a picture of a 24-year old girl who is currently on her parent’s health plan in accordance with Obamacare and, using air quotes, said she was “diagnosed” with “multiple sclerosis.” “Looks fine to me!” Another study was released today showing that some people with severe mental disabilities never get diagnosed. 

Allegedly not disabled

Racist Bigot Calls Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins

PHILADELPHIA, PA – During Thursday Night Football's match between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, some racist Eagles fan kept calling the Kansas City Chiefs the Washington Redskins. “I couldn't believe it,” said Eagles fan Bernard Beneke, who was sitting next to the bigoted asshole as he screamed his hateful words. “He called the Chiefs a bunch of lousy ‘Washington Redskins.’ I've heard a lot of mean things watching football in Philly, but I've never heard someone use such a venomous racial slur before.” The Kansas City Chiefs NFL team name comes from paying homage to the many Native American people that call that area home; however, the Washington Redskins is simply put a racial epithet that comes from the violent and terrible history the Native Americans were subjected to at the hands of American settlers. In similar news, on November 17th the Philadelphia Eagles will be hosting the Washington Redskins—the football team, not the racial slur. Mr. Beneke excitedly proclaimed, “I can’t wait to slaughter the Redskins.”

Next up: The Los Angeles Wetbacks

Village Idiot Still Using iOS6

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Albert Malas, known around the local town as a 41-year-old moron with absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever, is reportedly still using iOS6 on his iPhone despite iOS7 being released yesterday. “Albert has always been a little late to the party,” said Jeremy Baird, the local gas station attendant, as he flipped through Apple’s new operating system, which includes an amazingly bright color palate and highly functional user interface. “I mean, iOS7 was released like 86,428 seconds ago. You know how many minutes that is? Get with the program already.” The foolish Mr. Malas could be seen fumbling through the outdated iOS6, which was released all the way back in September of 2012, on his silly little iPhone 4S. “I’m fine with iOS6,” said the simpleton who is completely satisfied with only four rows of icons on his junky mobile device. Like a total dullard, Mr. Malas tried to justify his being so far behind the times. “Honestly, I just use it for calling, email, and ESPN, and it works just fine.” After repeated ribbing by his very patient family and friends, the dolt finally upgraded to iOS7 two seconds before iOS7.1 was released.

7 is higher than 6, dummy

BREAKING: Dentist Drilling Your Mom Right Now

SANTA FE, NM – A series of reports are coming in saying that your family dentist Dr. Simms is currently drilling your mom. Allegedly, your mother left for her appointment about an hour ago, and according to an eyewitness named Andrea Miller, the office receptionist, your mom waited for a few minutes reading Time magazine while Dr. Simms prepared his tools to drill your mom. He then called her into his tiny room and laid her out flat on a reclining chair, which he’s used to drill lots of women, before telling her to open up so he can start drilling her—right in her mouth. He closed the door and gave your mom anesthesia to loosen her up a bit and remove any inhibitions so as not to fight against his aggressive drilling. It is expected that he is about half way through drilling your mom as you read this report. Smoke is coming out of your mom as your family dentist repeatedly shoves his tools into her mouth, and there is nothing you can do about it. The latest report says that when Dr. Simms is done drilling your mom he’s then going to have sex with her.

Don't ask what the eye glasses are for

Girl Uses Middle Name as Last Name on Facebook to Prevent Rape or Something

PORTLAND, OR – Elizabeth Reese uses only her first and middle name on Facebook, going by the name of Elizabeth Anne, to prevent rape or something. Her friends first noticed the change from Elizabeth Reese to Elizabeth Anne several months ago. “At first I thought I had a new friend, but then realized it was Elizabeth when I saw that she had the same profile picture,” said high school friend Kelly Friedman. “I guess she did it to make sure no one is stalking her? Or to prevent identity theft? I have no idea.” In fact, all other information on Elizabeth’s profile remained the same, including her alma mater, hometown, address, and phone number, but her surname is now Anne, which might prevent her from getting murdered somehow reports assume. “I mean, maybe she thinks some rapist is looking for her? And he’ll search for Elizabeth Reese on Facebook, see she’s not there, and then rape someone else?” imagined Elizabeth’s college ex-boyfriend Adam Lane. “I hope she’s not in trouble.” Reporters were able to confirm that absolutely no one is looking to rape Elizabeth or steal her identity, so maybe she just doesn’t like her last name probably. 

Hiding in plain sight

25 Things That Will Remind You That You Were Born In The 80s

1. Your driver’s license.
2. Your expired driver’s license, which you've kept for some reason.
3. Your 27th birthday was last year.
4. Your 28th birthday was this year.
5. Your 29th birthday is next year.
6. All your passwords end in “85," which represents the year you were born.
7. Your mom was born in 1951, and she had you when she was 34, meaning you were born in 1985.
8. You remind everyone you were born during the football season of the 1985 Chicago Bears, only the best team in the NFL’s history.
9. That Chase credit card application you just filled out asked for your birthday, and you answered correctly because you’re an adult.
10. The fact that you remember your birthday was September 2, 1985.
11. Your most recent W2.
12. Your college student ID. It doesn't have your birthday on it, but it was issued when you were 18 in 2003, meaning you were born 18 years prior (i.e. during the 1980s).
13. That carnie at the state fair guessed right when he said you were 27 years old this past summer.
14. You definitely don’t feel like a teenager anymore, but you don’t have kids either. So, you’re probably in your late 20s.
15. That girl who you met last month in a bar will remind you that you told her you were 31, which you know was a lie by 3 years because you like girls thinking you’re mature but look young.
16. Reagan was president when you were born, and he held office during the 1980s.
17. You and your best friend were born three days apart, and he’s 28 too.
18. Woodstock , held in the summer of 1969, was 16 years prior to when you were born. Your dad tells you all the time.
19. Your U.S. Passport with a decent amount of stamps in it will tell you that you were born 28 years ago.
20. You are fully, and completely aware that you are 28 years of age, and don’t need stupid reminders like pictures of Alf or snap bracelets to distract you from work when your career is so important right now because you’re in your late 20s.
21. You went to the first grade in 1990, which means you were either born in the 1980s or held back in kindergarten for a very long time (which you weren’t).
22. Your older brother always says things like “Wanna see 29?!” when you piss him off.
23. You were alive in 1989.
24. Your mom. Your mom will always remind you of these things when you forget. Because she’s your mom and she loves you.
25. You’re 28.

Can I write for BuzzFeed now?

Days Without Mass Shooting Sign Reverts Back to Zero

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the tragic shooting in a Washington Navy Yard that killed at least 12 people, the national “Days Without A Mass Shooting” sign clicked back down to zero. The sign was originally erected in 1995 by the NRA to inspire people to be careful and remind them to stop shooting each other. The daily counter made it all the way to 276 days, the amount of time since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 14, 2012, which resulted in the heartbreaking deaths of 26 children and teachers. The shooting rampage that resulted in six deaths by the hand of Pedro Alberto Vargas in Hialeah, FL in July of this year did not reset the counter as the definition of “mass shooting” was amended to be no less than 10 people when the U.S. ban on assault weapons was lifted in 2004. Some have called for more drastic measures in an effort to increase the streaks between shootings; in response, the NRA has vowed to make the sign bigger. 

This sign has never seen a comma

Self-Named "Grammar Nazi" Apparently Unaware of What Nazis Actually Did

GRAND FORKS, ND – Derrick Williams, a local man who deems himself a "Grammar Nazi," is seemingly unaware or at least very misinformed about what members of the Nazi party actually did. "I'm kind of a perfectionist," says Mr. Williams, referring to capitalization and punctuation, completely ignoring the actual Nazi definition of "perfection" (i.e. the complete dominance of the Aryan race and the utter eradication of the Jewish race). Mr. Williams explained that he strictly follows Strunk & White, the fathers of proper sentence structure, which he thinks puts him on par with the masses of people who followed Adolph Hitler into a World War that ultimately killed 60 million people. During the interview, it became clear that Mr. Williams has, in fact, heard of what the Nazi party represents—world domination, ethnic cleansing, war crimes—yet continues to use the term to describe his gently condescending and pretentious nature when it comes to correcting his friends' writing. When the discrepancy was pointed out, Mr. Williams said it was "just a joke" because he apparently also thinks the hate-filled National Socialism party of 1940s Germany is funny.

Don't get these guys started on an Oxford Comma

Pregnant Teenager Tries Abstinence

HOUSTON, TX – Shelly Foster, a sophomore at Aldine Senior High School who is currently five months pregnant, has decided to follow her teachers’ guidance and try abstinence in the hopes that it will end her pregnancy. “I’ve chosen to stop having sex with my long-time boyfriend Ricky,” explained the young lady of sixteen years in the school cafeteria. “According to everything I’ve learned, the baby should be gone in about a month.” Ricky told her that he’s read online that condoms and safe sex are a better alternative, but Miss Foster retorts that those options only prevent pregnancy, whereas abstinence is the best way to handle an unwanted pregnancy. “As a young girl living in Texas, abstinence is the only way to make this mistake go away. I mean it just makes sense—if you don’t have sex, you won’t be pregnant. It’s that easy.” From here on out, Shelly has vowed to resist the very natural urge and sexual curiosity of a hormonal teenager, which, according to her textbooks, should make the baby disappear until it’s mature enough to be a baby. Reporters asked Miss Foster if she’s considered abortion, but she said she’s never heard of it.

Only BJs till this thing goes away.

Syrian Boy Wants To Be a Fireman If He Grows Up

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Syrian boy Anay Khalid told his mother yesterday that he would like to be a fireman if he survives the civil war and gets to grow up. According to his mom, the 6-year old has always loved helping people, and barring an early death due to rebel cross fire or road side bombs, the young man wants to apply to the Damascus Fire Department and help those in need. "I really like the outfits," said the child who can only achieve his dream if he makes it to DFD’s minimum age of 18, which seems less likely with every passing day in the war torn country. Not only will Anay need to pass the department’s difficult entry exam and rigorous physical tests, he will need to refrain from joining the rebel and army recruiters, avoid any IEDs just lying on the busy streets, and stay away from any government buildings so as not to become collateral damage from U.S. drone attacks. "If I can do all that, then hopefully I can help save lives." Because of the recent chemical attacks ordered by President Bashar al-Assad, Anay's 10-year-old sister, who wanted to be a veterinarian, will not grow up.

Good luck, kid.

Office Gets To Talk About Jesus Today

NEW YORK, NY – With all of the Jewish employees taking work off to observe Rosh Hashanah on Thursday, all of the Christian workers at Kimball & Company are enjoying the freedom to kick back and openly talk about Jesus.  “We know that our Jewish co-workers don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, so out of respect we usually keep pretty hush-hush about all the Son of God talk when they’re here,” said VP of Sales Patrick Rodgers. “But every Jewish New Year we really let loose. We just sit in the office and chat about our Savior all day. It’s like Christmas in September.” Every year, the group of New Testament fans do something different to honor the Son conceived by the Holy Spirit. “In 2008, we just sat in a circle and talked about all the things we love about Jesus: the miracles, the wisdom, the endless love.” For this year’s celebration, the team plans on hosting a baptism of Executive Assistant Kelly Larkin’s newborn daughter in the CEO’s office—probably right on the Jewish executive’s desk. Baahir Amin, the newly hired analyst, will be joining in on the celebrations as he hasn't yet told anyone that he’s Muslim.

Finally, a day to freely talk about this Guy

Mother Earth Putting Us Up For Adoption

EARTH – Citing rampant pollution, never ending infighting, and continued wastefulness of her natural resources, Mother Earth made the very difficult decision on Tuesday to put all of us up for adoption. After giving a valiant effort for the past 100,000 years, she came to the realization that she just can’t handle our childish behavior anymore. “I think back to the time before I had all you humans,” Mother Earth recalled in an emotional press release, “and more, and more I look back on those quiet years with fondness.” She has been raising us as a single mom since God left Mother Earth in 1928. By herself, she was unable to stop us from causing the Great Depression, two World Wars, a holocaust, nuclear explosions, chemical warfare, and unbridled terrorism. On top of all that, Mother Earth said that we have left her “ransacked and barren” as we have “poked and prodded” her in our incessant, obsessive need for more energy resources despite the fact that her brother Sun is staring us all in the face. “I have tried to warn you with global warming and what I thought to be an obvious increase in natural disasters, but you all have done nothing to change your juvenile habits,” Mother Earth cried. She sent out a call to the rest of the universe in the hopes that someone else might be willing to take care of us. As of press time, no one has answered.

Go apologize to your Mother!

Everybody at Gym Proud of Fat Guy Exercising

DENVER, CO – In the local 24-Hour Fitness, everybody in the gym felt a small sense of pride when they saw area fat man Gary Pierce exercising. Anna Wright was on the treadmill when she saw the obese Mr. Pierce waddle over to the counter and check in. "I assumed he just joined because I haven't seen him here before, but it made me smile to see him giving exercise a shot." Mr. Pierce then shuffled over to the free weight area and attempted to bench press the 45 pound bar. "His form was terrible," said Andrew Clay, a local personal trainer. "But with a little help, he could really turn his body around. I'd be happy to offer him guidance with his weight loss goals. Stories like his can be so inspiring." "I'm just more impressed that he goes out in public, let alone a gym—in shorts," stated local underwear model Aaron James. "I wouldn't even leave my house if I looked like that. So, yeah, good for him." Mr. Pierce was also pretty proud of himself for his 20-minute attempt at working out and awarded himself with a milkshake on the way home.

Valiant effort