Obama Hires Congress Whisperer

WASHINGTON, DC – In a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona. “I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was forced to bring in the parliamentary coach known worldwide for his unorthodox, if sometimes controversial, teaching methods. “He’s the best.” Mr. Cardona’s legend dates back to the government shut down of 1995, when he used hard looks, neck nips, and stern caressing to bring then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to the negotiating table. Since then, he’s traveled the world to end disagreements with troublesome officials—most recently, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel called upon Mr. Cardona to deal with the combative bureaucrats of the European Union. “In the end,” Mr. Cardona has said, “you must recognize that these elected officials want to be good and crave our love and approval. But they need to know that the best way to achieve that is doing what we ask.” Mr. Cardona was last seen petting Speaker of the House John Boehner behind the ear after the U.S. Representative ignored a Tea Party constituent for the first time. “Good Speaker.”

Tough love is all you need