tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69916764797850842302024-03-13T22:25:21.258-05:00The Lonely PetuniaUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-1570242024545522312013-11-02T20:01:00.002-05:002013-11-03T17:02:17.126-06:00WE MOVED!!!<span style="font-size: x-large;">NEW WEBSITE!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Please find all past and future posts at</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.lonelypetunia.com/"><span style="font-size: x-large;">www.lonelypetunia.com</span></a><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Thanks for reading!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-17284256472977034142013-11-01T09:49:00.000-05:002013-11-01T09:56:14.840-05:00Actor Gets Role of Lifetime in Shitty Commercial<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>LOS ANGELES, CA</b> –
After years of desperation requiring an iron will and saintly patience,
struggling actor Robbie Jones finally got the role of a lifetime in a piece of
shit commercial. “It’s my big break,” said the Julliard School graduate who
came to Los Angeles looking for fame and fortune and will now play the lead
role in a commercial no one will pay attention to. Robbie, who has been waiting
for this moment his entire life, was cast as “Barbecue Guy” who will stand in
front of a grill talking to his neighbor “Neighbor” about the benefits of a new product
that absolutely no viewer will be moved to buy. “I was born to play this role,”
emoted Robbie about the character described as a “white, middle-aged male” who says
such scripted lines as, “I’m telling you, buddy, Mercury’s customer service
rating is 97%!” Robbie, who shares the same training as Kevin Spacey and Kelsey
Grammar, excitedly told all his friends about the late night advertisement that
most viewers will either mute or make fun of. Sources confirmed that Robbie’s
mom is very proud and just knows that he’s “going places.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPTKHrFgZW-Ikj3IofuSzsQgZmNcTzs9_-eXzRWgLtYXUJeLh0T_vJGFzOy7hVReR05F9M68ZVR6qBRfmRsDNlwaAod7K4KhmrXounAuDdL97gYAWx48zfvMgNWYzZLHryZIsLgRd_0wE/s1600/attractive-man-closed-smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPTKHrFgZW-Ikj3IofuSzsQgZmNcTzs9_-eXzRWgLtYXUJeLh0T_vJGFzOy7hVReR05F9M68ZVR6qBRfmRsDNlwaAod7K4KhmrXounAuDdL97gYAWx48zfvMgNWYzZLHryZIsLgRd_0wE/s320/attractive-man-closed-smile.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look out world!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-79283844871066984382013-10-30T10:43:00.000-05:002013-10-30T10:43:07.276-05:00Walmart Promotes Local Employee to Human Being<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>HARRISBURG, PA</b> –
Citing exceptional performance and a commitment to the company above and beyond
the call of duty, Walmart promoted local employee James Tomlin to Human Being. “Over
the course of the last 12 years,” announced Regional VP Gerald Northcott in a
branch meeting, “James has been an exemplary Walmart employee, and I want to be
the first to congratulate him on this landmark achievement in becoming a Human
Being.” Mr. Northcott then shook Mr. Tomlin’s hand and commended him on his
entry into the upper echelon of Walmart’s employee base. “Listen up! I want
everyone to start treating James like the Human Being he now is!” exclaimed Mr.
Northcott with his arm around the former Sub-Human Worker, joking that Mr.
Tomlin shouldn’t let it all go to his head. Following the celebration, Mr.
Tomlin was informed by corporate that the promotion is in name only, and while he
will enjoy the new title of Human Being, he still won’t be paid like one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgygmtnP9h1lZjD9iiekHXoa_MOBpdWHi-toWaHzkPuza35pfnjN8j7DkrydW8JMGCnRITm9XWEYK8L2wP3r1SOV5M4rf7sSQ0k3AUgfiD058BsyWSHGWpEYUVQJai9MxlV9R_uqnP-VpE/s1600/Walmart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgygmtnP9h1lZjD9iiekHXoa_MOBpdWHi-toWaHzkPuza35pfnjN8j7DkrydW8JMGCnRITm9XWEYK8L2wP3r1SOV5M4rf7sSQ0k3AUgfiD058BsyWSHGWpEYUVQJai9MxlV9R_uqnP-VpE/s320/Walmart.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Welcome to the 1%</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-74245808098225649422013-10-28T15:11:00.001-05:002013-10-28T15:11:59.567-05:00Packers Lobby to Play Vikings Every Week<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>GREEN BAY, WI</b> – Following
the Green Bay Packers’ 44-31 win over the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday Night
Football, Coach Mike McCarthy made a formal request to commissioner Roger
Goodell to play the Vikings every week for the rest of the season. “Given the
proximity of the two teams, and considering Mr. Goodell’s concerns with player safety,
we feel it would be in the best interest of the team to play the Vikings in a
weekly match-up,” positioned Mr. McCarthy, noting that no one was injured or
concussed in last night’s game. “We’ll even play in Minnesota for every game.
Obviously, that’s not an issue.” The head coach also said that, if the proposal
is unacceptable, they’d also consider playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or
Jacksonville Jaguars. “Maybe even the Bears, because we understand how hard it
is to travel when injured.” Following their week 8 loss, the Minnesota Vikings
put in a request to Mr. Goodell for an 8-game season. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh99nJqCZObGQXg5qghYKEYCD2rDuZP73jK5Rbhl6I7no4X9qUbA-SuNMfSgakyVMUYiGKD00Gud5PemEigAI6BGYHYzjQLUlgUSb1HstzhEHUgAhXYPoASk-NjPdGKpTnq-DMYrGch394/s1600/vikings-vs-packers-logos-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh99nJqCZObGQXg5qghYKEYCD2rDuZP73jK5Rbhl6I7no4X9qUbA-SuNMfSgakyVMUYiGKD00Gud5PemEigAI6BGYHYzjQLUlgUSb1HstzhEHUgAhXYPoASk-NjPdGKpTnq-DMYrGch394/s320/vikings-vs-packers-logos-large.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh Freeman wouldn't even need to leave his bench. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-80095024717785109362013-10-25T15:47:00.000-05:002013-10-25T15:47:46.368-05:00Local Gym Offers Fitness Death Camp<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>FLAGSTAFF, AZ</b> –
Advertising innovative motivation techniques and superior results, Flagstaff
Athletic Club has rolled out their new Fitness Death Camp as part of their fall
schedule. In a statement released on its website, gym owner and CEO Eric Parker
announced that the new exercise class uses the real-life, hard-hitting
techniques utilized in death camps around the world in order to improve fitness
and build strength for all enrollees. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moving past the traditional military boot camps, which,
according to resources have become rather passé among inner fitness circles, FAC
spared no expense in hiring seasoned training professionals, many of whom have administered
death camps in countries such as Venezuela, Nigeria, and Iraq, to name a few. One
such personal trainer who goes by the name of Oleg appreciates the opportunity,
saying, “It’s really nice to work in a challenging but safe environment. I get
to do what I do best, but without all the guilt.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The groundbreaking methods have already caught on among the
early adopters at Flagstaff’s popular gym. “First, all trainers carry a rifle,
which does wonders for your concentration,” relayed local college student Emily
Wright who explained how her trainer Axel got her to sweat like she’s never
sweat before. “But they really go the extra mile to burn those calories. For example,
last week Axel grabbed my mom, who he had kidnapped the night before, and threatened to
slit her throat if I don’t drop down and give him 20. Easiest push-ups I’ve
ever done.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beyond traditional body-weight exercises, trainers have
incorporated social tests, including a 40 mile team march through Arizona’s
desert, stopping every 5 miles to crush rocks or dig ditches. “I would have
never thought that manual labor could tone my traps and shoulders as much as it
has,” praised one athlete while chained by the ankle to his fellow team
members. “I’m definitely going to use that ‘Refer a Comrade’ deal they have
going on.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On top of the fitness regimen, the health club within FAC is
offering meal plans that mimic the type of diet one would come to expect from a
traditional death camp. For only an additional $150 a month, the club’s team of
chefs will prepare, package, and ship a weekly package of muddy water, maggot
infested bread crusts, and a fetid stew-like dish. “The low-carb, low-calorie,
low-nutrition combination has been perfect for my weight-loss goals,” raved
Jeremy Corbett, who has lost 15 pounds in his first week, due also in part to
the fact that he barely sleeps each night as a result of class flashbacks. Lifting
up his shirt to show his sculpted ribs, he smiled and said, “You can’t argue
with results.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Following the early success of the class, Mr. Parker said
that there are already plans in place to create a permanent structure, complete
with 10-foot cement walls, barbed wire, watch towers, and armed guards for those
gym rats who really want to take their fitness to the next level. “Participants
will check into the state-of-the-art workout facility with a stated set of
fitness goals, be it weight loss or lean muscle build, and we promise that they
won’t leave until those goals are met. That’s a guarantee.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHoYsQfFY_61Asz4c117_jXHNkVEeE-stgYHx-AGGGVgfe4H5KvvLl-OljYygzRvCPvKKwsM9gWGbdtG6g09sLmUuvy4nF3B5qtDLI8L3TIyVQqMJ-lc7MuGitQpJOVf5xY58_gnMH4UA/s1600/Guantanamo-Bay_KG4EM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHoYsQfFY_61Asz4c117_jXHNkVEeE-stgYHx-AGGGVgfe4H5KvvLl-OljYygzRvCPvKKwsM9gWGbdtG6g09sLmUuvy4nF3B5qtDLI8L3TIyVQqMJ-lc7MuGitQpJOVf5xY58_gnMH4UA/s320/Guantanamo-Bay_KG4EM.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Coming soon to a gym near you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-45569079930407577122013-10-24T09:52:00.001-05:002013-10-24T09:52:15.551-05:00Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>LUXEMBOURG CITY,
LUXEMBOURG</b> – Following reports that the U.S. government might have tapped
the cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Henri the Grand Duke of
Luxembourg wants to know why, well, why his phone wasn't tapped. “Am I not good
enough?!” exclaimed the Luxembourg head of state who also goes by the name Henri
Albert Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume. “Luxembourg is a keystone in the European
Union, bordering Belgium, France, <i>and</i>
Germany! What, does the U.S. not think I know a thing or two about what’s going
on in those countries? I’m in the loop.” The proud descendant of Jean Benoît
Guillaume Robert Antoine Louis Marie Adolphe Marc d'Aviano pointed out that the
Luxembourg army has over 900 trained civilians, and, in addition to being part
of the EU, Luxembourg is a central member of NATO, the OECD, and the United
Nations. “I mean, if I was Obama, I would want to know what I was saying.
Perhaps I’m up to no good.” Following the interview, Henri, the first cousin of
the current King of the Belgians by the way, was looking for Kim Jong Un’s
phone number.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMX-koV_5zqcIUArhq5vdQprhCtxF5y8Yv4guvNS5TNSemw6zUYcZ5fEnRlyvEl4NbhZOPC95aaQb41cMvDVfl1y8OCqrKlAdoEGSWOvPkTDJZqA0-IjtGJti4jEGb38DRsu-rVX97Gr0/s1600/400px-Henri_of_Luxembourg_(2009).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMX-koV_5zqcIUArhq5vdQprhCtxF5y8Yv4guvNS5TNSemw6zUYcZ5fEnRlyvEl4NbhZOPC95aaQb41cMvDVfl1y8OCqrKlAdoEGSWOvPkTDJZqA0-IjtGJti4jEGb38DRsu-rVX97Gr0/s320/400px-Henri_of_Luxembourg_(2009).jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I get no respect, no respect. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-17065471570828289622013-10-23T12:06:00.000-05:002013-10-23T12:09:20.722-05:00New Key & Peele Episode To Highlight Differences Between Black and White People<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>LOS ANGELES, CA</b> –
Diverging from its traditional slate of sketch and situational comedy, tonight’s
episode of <i>Key & Peele</i> will make fun of the differences between black people and white people. “We wanted to try something totally new,” explained Keegan-Michael Key, who stars alongside Jordan Peele in the Comedy Central segment that
airs Wednesdays at 9:30CT. The African-American comedians have noticed that
their lives can sometimes deviate from those of their white counterparts. “We
talk differently; we behave differently; and we have very different cultures.
We feel that it would be amusing to emphasize those disparities in a comedic
fashion.” “But it’s more than that,” Mr. Peele added. “Throughout history,
whites and blacks have had their challenges, and we both believe that making
light of those variances might create a catharsis, if you will, by allowing
people to laugh at and yet celebrate their very diverse backgrounds. As far as
we know, it’s never been done before.” Following the groundbreaking episode,
Comedy Central will air a brand new <i>Daily Show</i> that will feature Jon Stewart
humiliating Fox News.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcAE6ITy2GC8Gy0P9wDahrVmMssBdbxGlcUDwXAetRQVQSt4SQkXItalbGKTUcosRGA2AKIgMmBhz4wT2y6uZpMOvq0u_XKesLfrlJwjLjDnryEWFhXv_RZzihfyfxXuOhyOyoOGoKcY/s1600/KeyPeeleCollegeBowl2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihcAE6ITy2GC8Gy0P9wDahrVmMssBdbxGlcUDwXAetRQVQSt4SQkXItalbGKTUcosRGA2AKIgMmBhz4wT2y6uZpMOvq0u_XKesLfrlJwjLjDnryEWFhXv_RZzihfyfxXuOhyOyoOGoKcY/s320/KeyPeeleCollegeBowl2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They might show how men and women are different too. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-60692908736335247672013-10-22T10:46:00.000-05:002013-10-22T13:51:38.809-05:00Food Truck Operator Yelling Something About Food<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>CHICAGO, IL</b> – Several
sources confirmed this afternoon that a local food truck operator was yelling
something about food. Parked on the corner of Franklin and Jackson near the
Willis Tower, a man standing inside a 1985 Avostar retrofitted to prepare food was hollering at passersby various things about food and food related
items. “I’m fairly certain he was screaming about food,” conjectured one
pedestrian who walked by the truck labeled “Schnitzel” on his way to a Jimmy
John’s about a block away. “I think he was shouting at people descriptions of
food and prices of food. If I had to guess, I’d say he was trying to sell food
directly from his truck to people on the street. But I could be wrong.” Eye
witnesses verified that the truck-based vendor—who carries a city-issued permit
to advertise and market his food—had examples of food on display for people to
look at in case they wanted to purchase and then eat the food. One patron was
seen consuming the food from the truck and agreed with the street chef that it
was “pretty good.” At press time, another truck pulled up to apparently compete
by selling a different kind of food. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnbbvUq_NbIn_wyu2gVgHNEUV1wseVCszv0C22cZUT6Gl5yAWw0aRGv6_LPZ5ibQ2oiRq0SpAlgO99P7n1wQHT8J82ZmleBlQ2dvPNPTsyGTZzIZudMdsiAg_oB1uiFlLF8ty3e79sKsg/s1600/20100729schnitzeltruck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnbbvUq_NbIn_wyu2gVgHNEUV1wseVCszv0C22cZUT6Gl5yAWw0aRGv6_LPZ5ibQ2oiRq0SpAlgO99P7n1wQHT8J82ZmleBlQ2dvPNPTsyGTZzIZudMdsiAg_oB1uiFlLF8ty3e79sKsg/s320/20100729schnitzeltruck.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hot sustenance here! Get your hot sustenance here!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-7249152818738440152013-10-17T17:05:00.000-05:002013-10-17T17:05:17.132-05:00Area Woman Loves Middle Husband the Most<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>IRVINE, CA</b> – After
claiming that it’s really impossible to choose a favorite, thrice divorced
Sharon Pierce said that if she had to choose she’d probably say that she loves
her middle husband Mitch Woodson the most. “I mean, everyone remembers their
first. It’s the oldest marriage and really paves the way for the rest of them,”
said Ms. Pierce, reflecting on how young she was when she first married Jay Kilborn
32 years ago and how they really had no idea what they were doing, adding “it
was just so exciting.” “I like to think of my third marriage to Brad (Tiller)
as the baby of the three. It was such a sweet and loving marriage,” said the
54-year old woman about her most recent marriage that lasted seven years. “But
Mitch was something special—our marriage was a roller coaster of emotions,” ruminated
Ms. Pierce, echoing the sentiment of many people with middle marriages. “Looking
back, I kind of neglected Mitch and took him for granted. Feeling like he was
always in Jay’s shadow and knowing that there was probably another marriage on
the way, all he really wanted was some attention.” Ms. Pierce added that while
she loves Mitch the most, she absolutely hates all of her ex-husbands equally.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgalhrOrAuNDP_esoTtOl7jRmBco99qpG6v3CCMqZYEViQsvoxtDdGIW3UbOrQEDUu1JNDw8jwDL_HNI_fWGjNQOxxdkYxqLJd3p5xRvPZgE6Ka2A9OPbBxWUY0Xezm-lsZ9O4iT11bhio/s1600/hairstyles-for-50-year-old-woman-with-a-round-face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgalhrOrAuNDP_esoTtOl7jRmBco99qpG6v3CCMqZYEViQsvoxtDdGIW3UbOrQEDUu1JNDw8jwDL_HNI_fWGjNQOxxdkYxqLJd3p5xRvPZgE6Ka2A9OPbBxWUY0Xezm-lsZ9O4iT11bhio/s320/hairstyles-for-50-year-old-woman-with-a-round-face.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wait til she meets #4.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-46627552019236140472013-10-17T12:04:00.001-05:002013-10-17T16:55:42.761-05:00Novo Nordisk Launches Fun Size Insulin Pen<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>COPENHAGEN, DENMARK</b>
– Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk launched sales of its new
line of “Fun Size” insulin pens. Lars Sorensen, CEO of the medical equipment
manufacturer famous for its diabetes treatments, held a press conference today
announcing the innovative product that should hit shelves prior to Halloween. “We
noticed two major trends in the United States,” said the visionary executive
through a translator. “First, early onset diabetes is rapidly increasing among
American children. And second, they’re incredibly depressed. The new Fun Size
Insulin Pens by Novo Nordisk will address both these issues.” The miniature
pens, offered in packs of 6 or 12, will feature exciting colors and easy to
grip cushions for the children’s “tiny and/or chubby fingers.” “In the short
term, we hope to see the pens passed out to Trick-or-Treaters to help kids
break down all those pesky sugars. And in the long term, we’re looking to see a
Fun Size Insulin Pen in every Lunchable and Happy Meal across the country. Our
mission to the nation’s children is to make diabetes fun.” Next month, Nova
Nordisk hopes to launch their new King Size Insulin Pen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi846MccfWMK_dAxOgJQ0xZXdySCcZElt11t_djt93JlQ-0anA_F1tly_SBfm8TKkBfBrCgjHue2AIT6fjpG1l5AtBzsXZRUV9IM4CPmQRChjEob7iL7bij8otCVewXcNvvNtUK1LypjB4/s1600/Russell1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi846MccfWMK_dAxOgJQ0xZXdySCcZElt11t_djt93JlQ-0anA_F1tly_SBfm8TKkBfBrCgjHue2AIT6fjpG1l5AtBzsXZRUV9IM4CPmQRChjEob7iL7bij8otCVewXcNvvNtUK1LypjB4/s320/Russell1.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Russell is in line to be the primary spokesman</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-21710652609520492822013-10-16T11:48:00.000-05:002013-10-16T11:48:23.422-05:00Obama Hires Congress Whisperer<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>WASHINGTON, DC</b> – In
a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States
Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona.
“I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all
other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was
forced to bring in the parliamentary coach known worldwide for his unorthodox, if
sometimes controversial, teaching methods. “He’s the best.” Mr. Cardona’s
legend dates back to the government shut down of 1995, when he used hard looks,
neck nips, and stern caressing to bring then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
to the negotiating table. Since then, he’s traveled the world to end disagreements
with troublesome officials—most recently, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel
called upon Mr. Cardona to deal with the combative bureaucrats of the European
Union. “In the end,” Mr. Cardona has said, “you must recognize that these
elected officials <i>want</i> to be good and
<i>crave</i> our love and approval. But they
need to know that the best way to achieve that is doing what we ask.” Mr.
Cardona was last seen petting Speaker of the House John Boehner behind the ear after
the U.S. Representative ignored a Tea Party constituent for the first time. “Good
Speaker.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIo2HMQGSBbk_FJ_Hl1SdkLq5CsySEY3jCLJncedfhYlCENZGcVmpuT5feb51OrnocXBLErEwgWpuAfjBzY3Jd3_RMqlmK0Hx6SVzqAG8vOCuF1XA3J-8klLRzjbMCO6XuDITD8XQBV10/s1600/38530005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIo2HMQGSBbk_FJ_Hl1SdkLq5CsySEY3jCLJncedfhYlCENZGcVmpuT5feb51OrnocXBLErEwgWpuAfjBzY3Jd3_RMqlmK0Hx6SVzqAG8vOCuF1XA3J-8klLRzjbMCO6XuDITD8XQBV10/s320/38530005.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tough love is all you need</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-31897798296631299562013-10-14T16:15:00.000-05:002013-10-14T16:15:44.787-05:00Intern Thinks He’s Leaving at 5<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>PHOENIX, AZ</b> – An intern
at Forward Capital Partners is currently operating under the assumption that he’s
going to leave the office at 5:00PM this evening. Michael Shear, a senior at
Arizona State working towards his finance degree, came into the office this
morning about an hour earlier than normal determined to work efficiently and
effectively in order to have all his work done by 5:00PM, giving him the chance
to head out early and take his girlfriend Kelly out on a date. “I made
reservations for 6:00PM to her favorite Italian restaurant,” said the hopeful
part-timer. “I figure we can get there early, have some drinks. Then dinner.
And then go see <i>Gravity</i> in IMAX tonight
at 7:30. I already bought the tickets.” Mr. Shear skipped his normal lunch
break and avoided ESPN and any other internet distractions throughout the
entire day. At 4:35PM he was seen cleaning out his in-box and making sure there
were no loose ends so he could have a clear and enjoyable evening with Kelly.
Final reports showed that at 4:58PM, team leader Joe Drape came over to talk to
Michael and that, yeah, he’s not going anywhere.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIHp0K79NuC8zZijKQfGBETwmMsJwvvXhbljjhFhg7UpcFB5A-DIZWECetw3zVyg50nnVvx1-NW9sNZhoXf9dCsYu2jnKQXdWxrQwrsuD32Lz6BG9cOMvSHmt-djlpSHesd86rdSfDHfI/s1600/intern-happy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIHp0K79NuC8zZijKQfGBETwmMsJwvvXhbljjhFhg7UpcFB5A-DIZWECetw3zVyg50nnVvx1-NW9sNZhoXf9dCsYu2jnKQXdWxrQwrsuD32Lz6BG9cOMvSHmt-djlpSHesd86rdSfDHfI/s320/intern-happy.jpg" width="306" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Where do you think you're going?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-84011191837018945222013-10-09T14:51:00.000-05:002013-10-09T14:52:18.492-05:00Congress Raises National Glass Ceiling<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>WASHINGTON, DC</b> –
Responding to the nation’s cries for improving the way of life for women and minorities,
Congressional leaders finally came together and raised the national glass ceiling.
“For too long, our country’s women and minorities have been paralyzed by an
unseen, yet unbreakable barrier that has kept them out of the upper rungs of
corporate and governmental leadership, which is why we’re happy to announce
that we have come together and raised it just a little bit,” said
Representative John Boehner in front a hand selected group of women,
African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans. “Congressional members reached
across the aisle this week and came to a consensus that this metaphorical ceiling
was crippling American development and creating needless political theater.”
The House and Senate passed a bill that will raise the national glass ceiling for
the next six months, after which they will reconvene and address the scheduled
glass ceiling deadline once more. “We’re confident this short-term fix will
lead to a longer term solution. Until then, our women and minorities have a
little more room to advance their careers.” When asked if it’s possible that
the country could just remove the glass ceiling altogether, Mr. Boehner
replied, “We’re looking into it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAbQZpXl45EQmcTljDr1-vRB5lMO9w3v6O5qPPTzQzUZl9WPzkEFgso1U5sxV3E_ewIzX104i_eTUQgnksRIK5rpSKYoDpe93FtxIvQ7hQYiEGNJzaeVPjHbBY3dqnskj1SSG_cS7aMM0/s1600/ProfessionalWomenDiversePaid123rf1796857_low.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAbQZpXl45EQmcTljDr1-vRB5lMO9w3v6O5qPPTzQzUZl9WPzkEFgso1U5sxV3E_ewIzX104i_eTUQgnksRIK5rpSKYoDpe93FtxIvQ7hQYiEGNJzaeVPjHbBY3dqnskj1SSG_cS7aMM0/s320/ProfessionalWomenDiversePaid123rf1796857_low.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're welcome.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-38673817249803699802013-10-08T13:50:00.000-05:002013-10-08T14:23:27.430-05:00Plus Size Model Doubles As Before Picture Model<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>LOS ANGELES, CA</b> –
Living a double life, Sharon Frost works as a plus size model, reminding women
and girls everywhere that they are beautiful human beings and should value
their bodies no matter what they look like, and as a “Before Picture” model to
remind all women and girls that they are disgusting creatures who can turn themselves
into something worth looking at if they would just buy the promoted product. Mrs.
Frost knew she was destined for this dual role when she was a lovely,
chubby 8-year-old girl. “I remember looking in the mirror and being totally
confused as to whether I should be proud of myself or absolutely revolted by my
plump physical appearance. I knew then that I was fated to boost women’s
confidence and scare them into buying beauty products.” Last week, the 180lb 5’4”
woman modeled for a Dove “Real Beauty” commercial, which promotes inner beauty
and a message that all women should love the body they’re in. Mrs. Frost then
went and took a picture in a bikini, which will be used to show a revolting,
horrifying example of what consumers could leave behind if they buy Dr. Oz’s
Diet Pills. Mrs. Frost has a 10-year-old daughter who was last seen eating ice
cream and crying. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV76gvxVlSLdzJGuM_aWT7LHNTF7Ira1i5ldFzWSFW57mZUYI9spIUZEZ8eXy-voYhkO-vkh-3xv7fejGiHdURAMZVa_uKj6UMDAW6VH-cxNuy816WRy73UH1n4ixv4dWeKHlSsrrVpjM/s1600/dovebigwoman89805.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV76gvxVlSLdzJGuM_aWT7LHNTF7Ira1i5ldFzWSFW57mZUYI9spIUZEZ8eXy-voYhkO-vkh-3xv7fejGiHdURAMZVa_uKj6UMDAW6VH-cxNuy816WRy73UH1n4ixv4dWeKHlSsrrVpjM/s1600/dovebigwoman89805.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beauty is so confusing</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-39844201208992344502013-10-03T14:06:00.000-05:002013-10-03T15:17:59.983-05:00Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>WASHINGTON, DC</b> –
Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the
nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern
themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely
pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the
overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant
infighting and addiction to accomplishing absolutely nothing. “There are kids
getting neglected food and cancer treatment and government workers being denied
pay because these ‘leaders’ are trying to stop a bill that was passed three
years ago.” Frank Bensinger, a registered Republican, said, “Look, I’m all for smaller government and
individual liberty, but not at the cost of holding the American people hostage.
That’s not in the constitution.” Mr. Collins and Mr. Bensinger then agreed,
like all Americans tired of their representatives, that it’s probably better to
run this country with a simple children’s game than with the people they’ve
elected to run things. Heeding the nation’s call to do away with political
bickering, Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner squared off in a match
in which Mr. Reid’s paper covered Mr. Boehner’s rock, thereby restarting the
government and funding the Affordable Care Act. At press time, Mr. Boehner was
demanding to make it a best 2 out of 3.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3B0hmffdfTFsgjF7GbZWPB_ZqOHQjdUkgruRCcPkaTGU5Pr8TEYP4XRQhshft4lvRcrEKzG7_6SUbfxQ8Q6aLeh_A14F2yVgtOQywdr8W2tmURO4DLIM5_mNFkjrfuyFgYRbKkb2P6RA/s1600/bigstock_Rock_Paper_And_Scissors_3994136.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3B0hmffdfTFsgjF7GbZWPB_ZqOHQjdUkgruRCcPkaTGU5Pr8TEYP4XRQhshft4lvRcrEKzG7_6SUbfxQ8Q6aLeh_A14F2yVgtOQywdr8W2tmURO4DLIM5_mNFkjrfuyFgYRbKkb2P6RA/s320/bigstock_Rock_Paper_And_Scissors_3994136.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Checks and balances</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-85013241112415342632013-10-02T15:40:00.002-05:002013-10-02T15:40:36.362-05:00U.S. Government Expected To Be #1 Halloween Costume This Year<i>Time magazine released a report today that the U.S. Government is expected to be the #1 Halloween costume for 2013. Kids all over the nation are excited to put on their best Congress, President, and Government Worker costumes come October 31st. What on earth will this look like?! Here are some pictures of what to expect this Halloween. </i><div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3G_5UdWr02YyM_SNG8SMrdJgacuBC0Hx-yC_Dx7fysPXwWFjmAKd3QZCytYUauuMMCGqVUiNWa16G-677TaX57ZR8ws6xOl4mcFE0YYc4XpN3LxI9e9jrGjd8MWiHMrNesw0rzEi0888/s1600/2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3G_5UdWr02YyM_SNG8SMrdJgacuBC0Hx-yC_Dx7fysPXwWFjmAKd3QZCytYUauuMMCGqVUiNWa16G-677TaX57ZR8ws6xOl4mcFE0YYc4XpN3LxI9e9jrGjd8MWiHMrNesw0rzEi0888/s400/2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Here's the U.S. Government in front of<br />Mrs. Robinson's house. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv1r7OGpbclMfgVa7N5cqdcOfQ5cs0vmGBhOH5VGp82g4uRamLtXCqVFBHxh0ZBi40wDOAoe13T0Fqcp61MzCi1NJta9wrILDO17kUzA9-w-LGCbuGnz3GpIYnUm_16qtfmUBKOPeBsj4/s1600/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv1r7OGpbclMfgVa7N5cqdcOfQ5cs0vmGBhOH5VGp82g4uRamLtXCqVFBHxh0ZBi40wDOAoe13T0Fqcp61MzCi1NJta9wrILDO17kUzA9-w-LGCbuGnz3GpIYnUm_16qtfmUBKOPeBsj4/s400/2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Look at all the Nonessential Government Workers<br />posing in front of this house on Elm St. How CUTE!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWpAvoBtPh1wMPZ2SCK32zMskS3csEZl35VCmpf8pnKx9Xq737H8bL4wGy8aLdCKiJ4SlBBlk-ahoXFd5H6XYUoWQxiVqRjASgcWR4LrBrI18rK0X2Szs3eNo6WdVPCnA24IE_tD9SC74/s1600/3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="372" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWpAvoBtPh1wMPZ2SCK32zMskS3csEZl35VCmpf8pnKx9Xq737H8bL4wGy8aLdCKiJ4SlBBlk-ahoXFd5H6XYUoWQxiVqRjASgcWR4LrBrI18rK0X2Szs3eNo6WdVPCnA24IE_tD9SC74/s400/3.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Congress had no idea what to expect from the Aaronson<br />Family. But they're all smiles here!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFa9NsNZCiGo7tOc-YoLOnAO3t78rUPviWfoO1piu9vH9v0kmLr1ctGIk0jezEuvKHm6n9cLH2UJ4xyqu8Wrv3nYB-46-1zlLoxNKhr7xFb-n6lx9NZcrsr2daY6E5KOk25XjVKlKJJh4/s1600/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFa9NsNZCiGo7tOc-YoLOnAO3t78rUPviWfoO1piu9vH9v0kmLr1ctGIk0jezEuvKHm6n9cLH2UJ4xyqu8Wrv3nYB-46-1zlLoxNKhr7xFb-n6lx9NZcrsr2daY6E5KOk25XjVKlKJJh4/s400/4.jpg" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">This little President Obama just loved<br />getting THREE Reese's cups!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOHvGuWx4VLQP2_0pYmNJlV-cEpSMmEhCQG15lpVieaKOcOsVKzIw8rCYXN_XOCqURvxOt5_AEdrEgLNYZ9t_R5Xi79601Cp-9r4-O6ngKtyqemmgZ6h2pIv8KToaPz4ArsBRyWZ5R2c/s1600/5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOHvGuWx4VLQP2_0pYmNJlV-cEpSMmEhCQG15lpVieaKOcOsVKzIw8rCYXN_XOCqURvxOt5_AEdrEgLNYZ9t_R5Xi79601Cp-9r4-O6ngKtyqemmgZ6h2pIv8KToaPz4ArsBRyWZ5R2c/s400/5.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">No one was home, but that's not going to stop this<br />National Park Operator from trying to get some candy.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPMz_2xLxcwnVExGbIxgohdAHNydZgKxgviIRCMJ1kzXMc6Ku5xMVvYf-aOKL5-d913Zs2zl-Z9G3hbxClbGbO0WJtZ0LUi-4GL9O7RnR2xu4PE7tQFwxbfngm5eYEKtephuuGVdtID0/s1600/6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPMz_2xLxcwnVExGbIxgohdAHNydZgKxgviIRCMJ1kzXMc6Ku5xMVvYf-aOKL5-d913Zs2zl-Z9G3hbxClbGbO0WJtZ0LUi-4GL9O7RnR2xu4PE7tQFwxbfngm5eYEKtephuuGVdtID0/s400/6.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Tiny Representative Boehner didn't mind getting<br />a popcorn ball. He LOVES popcorn balls!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5JocvdouBnikKsjaAAD07MLpyF36uW1ZuLkJBDIYAdr1zK2BaRG7qke6hyphenhyphen6c1LPyzfqmGmryXt16YLo51Yk0IkuxZBFYHH_7XoTkAGlQ-dQmQcJIPbuJAvehTFXW2kAO_uwq2uLWJJU0/s1600/7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5JocvdouBnikKsjaAAD07MLpyF36uW1ZuLkJBDIYAdr1zK2BaRG7qke6hyphenhyphen6c1LPyzfqmGmryXt16YLo51Yk0IkuxZBFYHH_7XoTkAGlQ-dQmQcJIPbuJAvehTFXW2kAO_uwq2uLWJJU0/s400/7.jpg" width="335" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Luckily the Albertson family left a candy dish<br />around back for all these Furloughed Employees.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiax51PIHO3pxr-py6czQrLviLKxBqqaLQowafQcZWuyuj0ogBGaTfbcY5IksFjEFZzF-cUUZNdnvK-CNGMpmG2HEMrDXYKIg9FdLzo2KC-cCY8vz629JWtz-abPp2jyIlv3zCBaB8Kkks/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="369" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiax51PIHO3pxr-py6czQrLviLKxBqqaLQowafQcZWuyuj0ogBGaTfbcY5IksFjEFZzF-cUUZNdnvK-CNGMpmG2HEMrDXYKIg9FdLzo2KC-cCY8vz629JWtz-abPp2jyIlv3zCBaB8Kkks/s400/1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Here's all of Congress doing what they do best.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-45100125526964704032013-10-01T14:35:00.000-05:002013-10-01T14:35:23.586-05:00Warm Toilet Seat Reminds Gary Roth We’re All in This Together<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>SACRAMENTO, CA</b> –
Sitting down on a still warm toilet seat in his office bathroom, Gary Roth came
to the realization that, really, we’re all in this together. Gary entered the
bathroom just as his fellow co-worker Bill Kaster left the non-handicapped
stall, and the pair gave a friendly nod before Gary took Bill’s place on the porcelain
throne. “When I sat down, and felt the warm glow left by Bill’s butt cheeks against
my own skin, it just suddenly hit me: we’re all riding this crazy thing called ‘life’
together.” Gary explained how feeling the heat generated by another man’s ass
helped him put his life and his entire existence into a better perspective. “Throw
out all the titles; get rid of all the societal pressure; and strip away all
the foolishness of our seemingly meaningless existence and you’ll see that we’re
really just a bunch of lost souls looking for a peaceful place to take a shit.”
Without realizing it, Gary left a dribble of urine on the toilet seat to remind
his other co-worker Aaron Shear that some people are fucking rude. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrI9Mfq9dlg0XV3wh-Q32G0ou9kMhZ6aHA5HZPNr7soW_vFe3bRKH8XYRLRdUy2-g6W_Pxbd7c3_Z3093ZFDEoZ0qhC09xoHsn_1CqaF3YHod4FI15K5aiBndAgor4M1vePjhznYHGyw/s1600/Why.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrI9Mfq9dlg0XV3wh-Q32G0ou9kMhZ6aHA5HZPNr7soW_vFe3bRKH8XYRLRdUy2-g6W_Pxbd7c3_Z3093ZFDEoZ0qhC09xoHsn_1CqaF3YHod4FI15K5aiBndAgor4M1vePjhznYHGyw/s320/Why.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What a shitty revelation</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-82036661009511234762013-09-30T15:12:00.003-05:002013-09-30T15:41:41.897-05:00BREAKING: Government Shut Down Clock Shuts Down, Government Continues<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>WASHINGTON, DC</b> –
The ticking clock counting down the minutes to the 12:00AM deadline for
Congress to pass legislation to fund the government’s operations shut down this
afternoon around 3:55PM EST, causing all members of both the House and Senate
to revert back to serving the American people. “I think the clock malfunction
brought us all back to our senses,” said a slightly dazed and confused Speaker
of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “When it stopped ticking, I looked over at
Harry [Reid], and we both realized that the clock is really an arbitrary
mechanism used for political gamesmanship that holds the American people as
hostages. It’s kind of a silly thing if you think about it.” Mr. Boehner and
Mr. Reid then shook hands and agreed that this kind of brinkmanship is
completely ludicrous and emotionally draining for just about everyone. They
then vowed to "forget this nonsense" and get back to doing what the American
citizens elected them to do. “We’re going to get back to work.” At press time
the clock started up again, and Mr. Boehner punched Mr. Reid in the face.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV7JZF9AMUfAC7kyMbOBCYLKGdrt77Yo6s95UHP5KP82Yu-k1y3ajNOITFxetEm90EIT3hqfHPHJu0M00U7YE3YE5lxRmXwAeTGK3iCFVbeKSAiU8emm4RiaYNWhncDW5JYzr9OdSzgxo/s1600/preview.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV7JZF9AMUfAC7kyMbOBCYLKGdrt77Yo6s95UHP5KP82Yu-k1y3ajNOITFxetEm90EIT3hqfHPHJu0M00U7YE3YE5lxRmXwAeTGK3iCFVbeKSAiU8emm4RiaYNWhncDW5JYzr9OdSzgxo/s320/preview.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's counting down their approval rating</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-81996499234044581692013-09-30T12:57:00.000-05:002013-09-30T12:57:37.190-05:00Black Man Forced To Back Of Elevator<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>ATLANTA, GA </b>–
After leaving his corner office on the top floor of the Coca-Cola headquarters,
John Robinson, a black man, entered the elevator alone only to be forced to the
back like some sub-human unworthy of a front row position. Mr. Robinson got on
the elevator on the 29<sup>th</sup> floor as a free and independent rider. At
floor 27, however, a white male got on, imposing Mr. Robinson to take a step
backwards. At floor 23, another patron entered, driving the proud
African-American another step farther. And so it went. With each successive
entrant, Mr. Robinson was being pushed not only to the back of the elevator but
backwards in time to an era of hatred, when men and women were subjected to
systematic mistreatment based solely on the color of their skin. When the
elevator finally came to rest at the lobby, the collection of cold-hearted
racists flooded out onto the ground floor as Mr. Robinson could only wait his
turn. Finally, Mr. Robinson and a white woman were the only two people left in
the elevator car, and with his spirit crushed and his mind fully aware that
battling the tides of social oppression equates to futility, Mr. Robinson was
forced to let her go first. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIq9a6oQtAIiJgk0DFNMg-o10oZd9tSyPJ42BTUO5G71QTzCGuVVDhoRD6ikmgqTJRd4WeVWS8MMYJTPqVZd3_sELsXlhAs70taLQaRNO-XDzeT8cLdFV2eqB7Glzr5_0ZMsMwjCGCgVQ/s1600/00264492.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIq9a6oQtAIiJgk0DFNMg-o10oZd9tSyPJ42BTUO5G71QTzCGuVVDhoRD6ikmgqTJRd4WeVWS8MMYJTPqVZd3_sELsXlhAs70taLQaRNO-XDzeT8cLdFV2eqB7Glzr5_0ZMsMwjCGCgVQ/s320/00264492.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Racism is a group effort</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-12754895380244261292013-09-26T11:01:00.000-05:002013-09-26T11:33:57.032-05:00Area Man Excited to Find out What Kind Of Rental Car He’s Going to Have Sex In<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>CHARLESTON, SC</b> –
Waiting in giddy anticipation at the Hertz service desk, area man Matt
Gray is excited to find out what kind of rental car he’s going to drive around
town and eventually have sex in. “I hope it’s an SUV,” said Mr. Gray, who came
to Charleston from Boston with his wife Vanessa Gray for their nephew’s wedding. “I
reserved an Economy car, which usually means a Camry or something. The seats go
pretty far back on the Camry, so we would be able to fool around pretty
comfortably.” Matt then tried to remember if the arm rests go up enough for his
wife to give him road head on their drive to the ceremony. “Hertz is
pretty good with upgrades, though. So, if we get, like, an Escape or even a
Tahoe, we’ll definitely be able to put the back seats flat and have some fun.
Don’t come a knockin’, am I right?!” At press time, Mrs. Gray told reporters it’s not happening. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl2tp7vD6_eOJg_oIIcA1mXMrXsVJUqXoJ86Aauw1PA_lrVAY1gBcby1DhIZUeq1S1X36R8MvM3_D9v9msUL_uaWGNyi16GvzVTMs1KreR14S1wIelNgt6eQkGNpTpRhZDbTrJkWq81Zg/s1600/2_badge_non_hertz_channel_logo_a4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl2tp7vD6_eOJg_oIIcA1mXMrXsVJUqXoJ86Aauw1PA_lrVAY1gBcby1DhIZUeq1S1X36R8MvM3_D9v9msUL_uaWGNyi16GvzVTMs1KreR14S1wIelNgt6eQkGNpTpRhZDbTrJkWq81Zg/s320/2_badge_non_hertz_channel_logo_a4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Come on baby, make it Hertz so good.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-66437873170419204302013-09-25T15:38:00.000-05:002013-09-25T15:38:45.255-05:00Boss’s Party Going to Be Great Time Says Boss<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>SAN DIEGO, CA</b> –
The birthday party happy hour for Regional Vice President Gerald Preston is
going to be a great time according to Regional Vice President Gerald Preston.
This afternoon, Mr. Preston could be seen going from cube to cube in the
Horizon Company’s regional headquarters telling everyone that they should definitely
be looking forward to this evening’s revelry between 6-8PM at the local Buffalo
Wild Wings. “I know how you kids like an open bar,” Mr. Preston said over a
muffled chuckle before winking at Administrative Assistant Karen Jameson. He
also made sure to thank everyone for surprising him in the main conference room
with cake and ice cream after lunch. “I was completely and pleasantly shocked,”
said the beaming mid-level executive. “And everyone sang so beautifully!” Around
5:30, Mr. Preston giddily started to “rally the troops,” telling everyone to “stop
working so damn hard!” Final reports showed that after the party everyone plans
on going home to their respective families and loved ones, and Mr. Preston will
be going home also. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVvHTtyMxNelA9Xe3i7IA60t5j3HdWS1ppGLnvpR7vtkBz8zv15kgYocLwDNwONeATHPTC53NruhadXu4nC2daNmJirVG0fk-aL1rtPi4KBiPpe3rJApQXVbOqo_lcpZxXTGxaZzazF14/s1600/5-tips-for-a-better-working-relationship-with-your-boss-dale-carnegie-alabama.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVvHTtyMxNelA9Xe3i7IA60t5j3HdWS1ppGLnvpR7vtkBz8zv15kgYocLwDNwONeATHPTC53NruhadXu4nC2daNmJirVG0fk-aL1rtPi4KBiPpe3rJApQXVbOqo_lcpZxXTGxaZzazF14/s320/5-tips-for-a-better-working-relationship-with-your-boss-dale-carnegie-alabama.jpg" width="211" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No gifts necessary</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-47721228472825230782013-09-24T08:48:00.000-05:002013-09-24T08:48:05.779-05:00REPORT: 1 in 5 Handicapped Milking It<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>WASHINGTON, DC </b>–
A recent report paid for by the Republican National Committee to demonstrate
frivolous spending in Obamacare shows that 1 in 5 handicapped are milking their
disabilities to gain the public’s sympathy. “We wanted to reveal to the
American people the truth about healthcare spending in America,” said RNC
Chairman Reince Priebus, standing in front of a poster-sized pie chart with 20%
of it labeled “Fakers.” The study had numerous examples including a man living
in poverty on the south side of Chicago who uses a state-funded wheelchair
despite the fact that he “clearly has legs.” “Don’t be duped by their crutches,
seeing-eye dogs, or special education teachers,” said Mr. Priebus. “Some of
these so-called ‘disabled’ are simply out to rob you of your hard earned
dollar, and they have Obama wrapped around their allegedly crippled finger.” He
then held up a picture of a 24-year old girl who is currently on her parent’s
health plan in accordance with Obamacare and, using air quotes, said she was
“diagnosed” with “multiple sclerosis.” “Looks fine to me!” Another study was
released today showing that some people with severe mental disabilities never
get diagnosed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEK4fshF0zWS4I05dJVhS3-Jx32aH1hE7OveP_S5KaZLZof6_XkhR_rgagCeQgNXPhNZsu2HSudamEm7yavJWkN5XuGkOQRCKfqUipQbtdNqfRlhS9QQ8hVqmChvH50AtbaL8eF-3UGYY/s1600/Reince_Priebus_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEK4fshF0zWS4I05dJVhS3-Jx32aH1hE7OveP_S5KaZLZof6_XkhR_rgagCeQgNXPhNZsu2HSudamEm7yavJWkN5XuGkOQRCKfqUipQbtdNqfRlhS9QQ8hVqmChvH50AtbaL8eF-3UGYY/s320/Reince_Priebus_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg" width="255" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Allegedly not disabled</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-16280576716429654702013-09-20T10:35:00.000-05:002013-09-20T10:35:00.406-05:00Racist Bigot Calls Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>PHILADELPHIA, PA</b> –
During Thursday Night Football's match between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City
Chiefs, some racist Eagles fan kept calling the Kansas City Chiefs the
Washington Redskins. “I couldn't believe it,” said Eagles fan Bernard Beneke,
who was sitting next to the bigoted asshole as he screamed his hateful words. “He
called the Chiefs a bunch of lousy ‘Washington Redskins.’ I've heard a lot of
mean things watching football in Philly, but I've never heard someone use such
a venomous racial slur before.” The Kansas City Chiefs NFL team name comes from
paying homage to the many Native American people that call that area home;
however, the Washington Redskins is simply put a racial epithet that comes from
the violent and terrible history the Native Americans were subjected to at the hands of American settlers. In similar news, on November 17th the
Philadelphia Eagles will be hosting the Washington Redskins—the
football team, not the racial slur. Mr. Beneke excitedly proclaimed, “I can’t
wait to slaughter the Redskins.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCBDf9Lc_hp9fKnh4nrEegRruR9znhCOB9Qkvvmwou-5_FjNdeRixlSdFakTZ2uwbd7JHErqu89eiuMhijj1wTgqoUnVO4bm90yxxvCVT8pq8XvlL4uctrTbkefzwx2-kxuTbLEuAiIb8/s1600/The-Washington-Redskins-Whats-In-A-Name.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCBDf9Lc_hp9fKnh4nrEegRruR9znhCOB9Qkvvmwou-5_FjNdeRixlSdFakTZ2uwbd7JHErqu89eiuMhijj1wTgqoUnVO4bm90yxxvCVT8pq8XvlL4uctrTbkefzwx2-kxuTbLEuAiIb8/s320/The-Washington-Redskins-Whats-In-A-Name.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Next up: The Los Angeles Wetbacks</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-69308112242718812172013-09-19T15:48:00.000-05:002013-09-19T15:48:41.041-05:00Village Idiot Still Using iOS6<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>SPRINGFIELD, IL</b> –
Albert Malas, known around the local town as a 41-year-old moron with
absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever, is reportedly still using iOS6 on
his iPhone despite iOS7 being released yesterday. “Albert has always been a
little late to the party,” said Jeremy Baird, the local gas station attendant,
as he flipped through Apple’s new operating system, which includes an amazingly
bright color palate and highly functional user interface. “I mean, iOS7 was
released like 86,428 seconds ago. You know how many minutes that is? Get with
the program already.” The foolish Mr. Malas could be seen fumbling through the
outdated iOS6, which was released all the way back in September of 2012, on his
silly little iPhone 4S. “I’m fine with iOS6,” said the simpleton who is
completely satisfied with only four rows of icons on his junky mobile device.
Like a total dullard, Mr. Malas tried to justify his being so far behind the
times. “Honestly, I just use it for calling, email, and ESPN, and it works just
fine.” After repeated ribbing by his very patient family and friends, the dolt
finally upgraded to iOS7 two seconds before iOS7.1 was released.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTwriOnXW0Noa9KzyPkqX87guRX8bKy_Esg-_svm_hyZI9XoIGPrft5w3xIYrUfvpCtfGygCbLGEpFjlHb7MEK8LHhqhkaffLPLtKKP-vSvRTBWapgLMlktKxSSsDxNQqv3kIHiN4CrPY/s1600/ios-7-logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTwriOnXW0Noa9KzyPkqX87guRX8bKy_Esg-_svm_hyZI9XoIGPrft5w3xIYrUfvpCtfGygCbLGEpFjlHb7MEK8LHhqhkaffLPLtKKP-vSvRTBWapgLMlktKxSSsDxNQqv3kIHiN4CrPY/s320/ios-7-logo.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">7 is higher than 6, dummy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6991676479785084230.post-35901101080719604282013-09-18T17:43:00.000-05:002013-09-18T17:43:18.056-05:00BREAKING: Dentist Drilling Your Mom Right Now<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>SANTA FE, NM</b> – A
series of reports are coming in saying that your family dentist Dr. Simms is
currently drilling your mom. Allegedly, your mother left for her appointment
about an hour ago, and according to an eyewitness named Andrea Miller, the
office receptionist, your mom waited for a few minutes reading Time magazine while
Dr. Simms prepared his tools to drill your mom. He then called her into his
tiny room and laid her out flat on a reclining chair, which he’s used to drill
lots of women, before telling her to open up so he can start drilling her—right
in her mouth. He closed the door and gave your mom anesthesia to loosen her up
a bit and remove any inhibitions so as not to fight against his aggressive
drilling. It is expected that he is about half way through drilling your mom as
you read this report. Smoke is coming out of your mom as your family dentist
repeatedly shoves his tools into her mouth, and there is nothing you can do
about it. The latest report says that when Dr. Simms is done drilling your mom
he’s then going to have sex with her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgi5XIT3_DdjXhDxdcJOwkyxH4LNBSyvCvo9QiXBo7Rm5vVLtItMwZp_OSK2bwXK4gY5KgQsGHVv_ORMDHNz8U3pEmxsxssSMeHg3V3G4kA1yZyx4XLK65i9mp4_96jF-L3yraRIX7Ibg/s1600/Dentist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgi5XIT3_DdjXhDxdcJOwkyxH4LNBSyvCvo9QiXBo7Rm5vVLtItMwZp_OSK2bwXK4gY5KgQsGHVv_ORMDHNz8U3pEmxsxssSMeHg3V3G4kA1yZyx4XLK65i9mp4_96jF-L3yraRIX7Ibg/s320/Dentist.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't ask what the eye glasses are for</td></tr>
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