Newlyweds Have Cut Cake Before, If You Know What I Mean

COLUMBUS, OH – The new Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Schwartz just cut their wedding cake together, symbolizing their union as man and wife, but this is not the first time they've each cut a cake, if you know what I mean. Neither has been married before, but Jonathan has sliced plenty of cakes and Mary has held a few knives, if you catch my drift. Jonathan first licked the frosting off a cake when he was in high school and once had a chocolate cake, if you see where I’m going with this. He never had a chance to cut two cakes at the same time, but Mary has had two knives at once, if you’re tuned into my radio waves. The couple knows about some of each other’s previous cake cutting; but Mary will never know that Jonathan dabbled with knives in college, and Jonathan can’t ever find out that Mary was sliced by his brother’s knife, if you can read between the lines here. What I’m really trying to get at is that this isn't exactly a white wedding. But if you’re still not riding my currents here, what I’m saying is that they've had sex before—ya dig?

Not the biggest knife she's seen, am I right?