BOSTON, MA – Dr.
Ian Fischer, a German animal scientist at MIT, has developed a groundbreaking
device that can translate dogs’ barks into human language, and what he has
heard has been very disturbing. “These guys are some real sick pups.” Dr.
Fischer demonstrated the device in his federally funded animal language lab. In
a closed experiment, a cocker spaniel hovered near his master’s dinner table,
letting out little yips and growls in an effort to get some table scraps. The
machine read, “Hey! Hey, you! Yeah I’m talking to you, you c**k sucking mother
f****r. Give me some of your s****y food before I dry hump your mother to
death.” And it doesn't get any better when the dogs talk to each other. Some
dogs are real breedists, calling for segregated blood lines. Dr. Fischer said, “Last
week, I listened in to a conversation between two golden retrievers, and they
were saying how all mutts should have their own trees and water bowls.” The
animal scientist did find that cats, while prone to give off a sense of rancid
pretentiousness, are actually incredibly affable. “Compared to the dogs, these
kitties are friggin Mormons.”
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| Buff coat. Black heart. |
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