ST. LOUIS, MO – A
man riding the bus yesterday was seen holding a brand new iPhone 5, however he
did not have a protective cover encasing the device, the prick. Philip Egan
bought the phone last week for $200 with a new 2-year contract and a
dangerously inflated ego. “I mean, who does this d-bag think he is?” said a
fellow bus traveler. “Those new iPhone’s don’t even have the metal frame
anymore; they’re just cheap Chinese plastic and will shatter on contact.” The
bus driver added, “You know, last week, I dropped my iPhone for no goddamn
reason. I didn’t bump nothing or trip my ass. My brain just told my hand to
open up and, sure as hell, my phone fell right to the fucking ground. Would
have broke if it weren’t for my Cardinals themed phone case. What, does this sonofabitch
think he’s better than me?” An anonymous source from the Verizon Wireless store
disclosed that Mr. Egan also chose to forgo the insurance, which means
replacing his phone would cost upwards of $600. “Oh, so I guess he’s a rich asshole
too. Now he’s just asking for it.”
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