Passcode of “1234#” For Office Bathroom Keeping Everyone Safe

MIAMI, FL – Since installing the coded door lock on its bathrooms five years ago, Regional Associates Corp. has experienced no robberies or violent crimes within its offices. In explaining their initial decision to beef up bathroom security, founder and CEO Blake Aaronson said, "Our first concern was unwanted strangers using our facilities. We were worried that someone might come off the streets, get through building security, take an elevator to the Sky Lobby on the 45th floor, take the secondary elevator to us on 57, and then take advantage of our unlocked restrooms." Mr. Aaronson got the idea when he went to Starbucks next door and noticed that patrons needed a key to use their bathrooms. "We chose a passcode of '1234#' to keep it memorable for our employees, but not so easy that any criminal could figure it out. And, well, you can't argue with results." Since inception, the office has reported zero incidences of harassment, rape, and murder—plus, the bathrooms have remained very clean. "The only issue is that the lock is a little finicky sometimes, but I usually come back and it works." Lonely Petunia investigators discovered that Aden Jones, the summer intern, changes the code on the lock for a few minutes so he can snort cocaine.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

Area Man Sees Nothing, Says Something

CHARLESTON, SC – In the middle of a crowded train, area man Patrick Shein saw absolutely nothing, but decided to call it in as something. Mr. Shein saw a bag unattended—a giant red handbag sitting on top of a seat, looking barely suspicious as there were plenty of bags sitting right near it. In a small act of heroism, Patrick called the police, who had to stop the train, board it, and bring in the SWAT team to figure out that Sandy Petersen left her bag to head to the bar car. This is actually Mr. Shein’s third offense. Several months ago he called 911 because of a suspicious vehicle in his neighborhood, and a year ago he called the FBI because of some suspected terrorists at the airport. The car turned out to be his neighbor’s visiting daughter, and the terrorists were just Indian. Police Chief Jerry Larsen said that Mr. Shein is not alone. “Most of our job is responding to people thinking they’re seeing something, calling us in to do something, but it all ends up being nothing. Isn't that something?” In related news, Mary Anne Jennings saw something, said nothing, and 147 people died.

No one would own this bag on purpose. Call it in.

Palm Reader Tells Homeless Man Things Are Going to Get Worse

MILWUAKEE, WI – Queen Mystique, also known as Karen Sandburg, told area homeless man Gerald “Crazy Eyes” Martin that things are most definitely going to get worse. Crazy Eyes paid Queen Mystique’s $3.00 asking fee in change, about 3 hours of work for the local beggar, before she invited him into her velvet hut in Veterans Park. “First, I looked at his employment line, which faded a long time ago,” Ms. Mystique recounted. “Finding a new job just isn’t in the cards, as they say. Further, based on his life line, his health is going to continue to deteriorate, especially since he doesn’t have very prominent insurance indicators in his fate line.” Palm readers tend to take into account other hand markings, and Mr. Martin’s unpronounced Mercury line shows that communication is difficult for him; his Apollo crease points to an especially harsh upcoming Wisconsin winter; and the tracks in his wrist indicate that he’s addicted to heroin. Ms. Mystique would have looked at the Saturn line on this left hand, which might have provided some hope, but Crazy Eyes refused to put down his 40oz bottle of Olde English. After Crazy Eyes left, Queen Mystique read the palms of Aaron Bradley, the son of local CEO Jonathan Bradley, and told him he was going to have a long and prosperous life.

As good as it's going to get

Aaron Rodgers Still Believes In Santa Claus

GREEN BAY, WI – At Packer football camp yesterday, quarterback Aaron Rodgers confronted the media regarding his standing behind Milwaukee Brewer Ryan Braun during Braun’s initial doping accusations and said he was shocked that they turned out to be true, but nothing is going to shake his confidence in Santa Claus. “Look, I was duped with Braun, but I’m telling you, you cannot convince me that St. Nick doesn't exist,” Rodgers said. “I know there is compelling evidence against magic and there’s the fact that it would be very difficult to reach all those houses in one night, but I have to stand by my convictions.” Rodgers then told a story about when he slept on the couch as a kid and Santa came through the living room, looked him in the eye, and smiled a jolly smile. He went on to say, “I will be absolutely disgusted if I find out that it’s really just parents sneaking around the house and repeatedly lying to every child in the world. Just disgusted.” As this story went to press, reports came in that Rodgers was seen crying while on the phone with his mom.

Don't even ask him about the Easter Bunny

Google Maps Totally Overestimates How Fast Area Man Can Walk

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – In creating the route for area man Albert Landler, Google Maps overestimated how quickly it would take him to walk from his office to the local train station, causing him to nearly miss his 6:20 train. “I put the directions into my phone,” Mr. Lander explained, “and it told me it would take 17 minutes. Thank God I gave myself a 5 minute buffer because it took 21 minutes.” Google Maps failed to predict that Mr. Lander would miss every single walk signal, nor did it warn him of the sidewalk closing due to a faulty sidewalk steel grid. “I have a bad hip too, and you’d think Google Maps would have recognized that in their calculations—the Gmail sidebar is always suggesting hip replacements. Google needs to get better at syncing their service offerings.”  Google Maps did successfully recognize Mr. Lander’s previous behavior, however, and pointed out a Dunkin’ Donuts, which Mr. Lander stopped at on his way to the station.

Siri, find me an app that knows what the hell it's doing

Openly Gay Presenter Talks About Backdoor Trading to Absolutely No Snickers or Giggles

SAN DIEGO, CA – Openly gay compliance officer Eric Manning gave a presentation to the rest of his co-workers about the perils of backdoor trading, but absolutely no one even so much as smirked at the very obvious double entendre. The title of the presentation itself, “Say No to the Backdoor,” should have elicited at least something, but not a single member of the investment team blinked an eye. Mr. Manning just kept going on and on about keeping personal trades to standard procedure, and that trading through the backdoor is absolutely forbidden. But no one, utterly zero people, grinned, scoffed, or even politely chuckled. And certainly nobody went as far as interjecting, “I’m sure your boyfriend is OK with it!” In his final warning to the group, Mr. Manning warned of the dangerous habits that can come from dubious options trading when he said, “Once you go through the backdoor, it’s hard to stop.” The room responded with nothing but affirming head nods. When asked about it after the meeting, options trader Jane Morris said that the thought never popped up. According to her, “Everyone likes Eric.” The audience did give a slight laugh when he said some trades are “muy caliente” because everyone knows Eric is a quarter Mexican. 

"Trading through the backdoor can result in a real
sticky situation."

Local Tragedy At Least Not Terrorism

CHICAGO, IL – Investigators have confirmed that the tragic events that happened yesterday, killing dozens of people and injuring 100's of others, were not due to terrorism, thank God. Immediately following the terrible incident, many eyewitnesses and bystanders couldn't help but think that terrorism was at play. “Well there were explosions, and screaming, and people running,” survivor Jeremy Meiffren recounted, “you couldn't help but think that some terrorist planned it all.” However, reports have definitely ruled out any malicious acts of terror, leaving human error and terrible, awful luck as the only suspects. “When catastrophic events are planned by some religious radicals, especially the ones who kill themselves in the process, you’re usually left with this horrible, empty cocktail of anger and disbelief and resentment,” explained therapist Dr. Kelly Franklin. “But in this case, at least we can find some construction worker or CEO to lay the blame on. Or, we can accept it, blame it on God, and say it all happened for a reason.” Nonetheless, a gang of domestic terrorists released a video on YouTube saying that they did not plan or implement this heartbreaking episode but they do wish they thought of it first. 

An act of God, thank God

Anthony Weiner Apologizes For Still Being a Politician

NEW YORK, NY – Former congressman and current New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner held a press conference to apologize to the American people in response to new evidence that he never stopped being a politician. Mr. Weiner resigned as congressman in June 2011 due to a sexting scandal, which involved him sending lewd, naked pictures of himself to female fans—typical behavior of any American politician, really. He vowed to stop acting like your average, run-of-the-mill man in power, but new pictures and conversations show that you can take the man out of D.C., but you can’t take the D.C. out of the man. “I would like to apologize to the public for my behavior,” Mr. Weiner explained. “I hoped that resigning as congressman would end my run as a standard politician, but the truth is, deep down, I've always been a regular legislator.” One listener responded, “I guess I’m not surprised. I just wanted to believe so badly that he wasn't your predicable, totally normal politician anymore.” After the conference, Huma Abedin, Mr. Weiner’s wife, indicated she was going to follow protocol and stand by her conventional man.

A dime a dozen...

Newlyweds Have Cut Cake Before, If You Know What I Mean

COLUMBUS, OH – The new Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Schwartz just cut their wedding cake together, symbolizing their union as man and wife, but this is not the first time they've each cut a cake, if you know what I mean. Neither has been married before, but Jonathan has sliced plenty of cakes and Mary has held a few knives, if you catch my drift. Jonathan first licked the frosting off a cake when he was in high school and once had a chocolate cake, if you see where I’m going with this. He never had a chance to cut two cakes at the same time, but Mary has had two knives at once, if you’re tuned into my radio waves. The couple knows about some of each other’s previous cake cutting; but Mary will never know that Jonathan dabbled with knives in college, and Jonathan can’t ever find out that Mary was sliced by his brother’s knife, if you can read between the lines here. What I’m really trying to get at is that this isn't exactly a white wedding. But if you’re still not riding my currents here, what I’m saying is that they've had sex before—ya dig?

Not the biggest knife she's seen, am I right?

Child Loses Race Employing “Tortoise and the Hare” Strategy

TOPEKA, KS – At Camp Tomahawk’s annual Field Day, local 8-year old Timmy S. lost the potato sack race after using a “Tortoise and the Hare” strategy he learned from his parents the night before. “We read him a bedtime story every night, and last night we chose that classic tale,” Timmy’s mommy explained. “We had no idea he would take it so literally.” Little Timmy didn't understand what happened. “Well, Billy R. went really fast, but I thought he would stop for carrots and a nap, so I just took my time.” Several other children met similar fates at the hand of their parents’ guidance. Freddy T. was disqualified for a false start because his father always tells him that the early bird gets the worm; the twin boys Johnny and Joey M. sat at the starting line crying knowing that the squeaky wheel gets the grease; and Mikey L., instead of running the race, just threw rocks at birds. Billy R. ended up winning the race because his father told him that winning isn't everything, it’s the only thing—that and he awarded him ice cream. 

Three's company

Royal Baby is Richer, More Important, and Better Mannered than You

LONDON – Despite being born just today, the newborn son of Catherine, Duchess of Cambrige, and husband Prince William is richer, more important, and actually better mannered than you only because of who he is and not because of anything he’s done. A long time ago, some guy claimed that God chose him to rule over England, and now, centuries later, this little bundle of joy pops out into a world of privilege that you can only dream about. This Royal Baby can trace his lineage back to the early mid 800s; you kind of knew your grandparents. He already lays claim to millions of dollars in assets; you just bought a Honda. He will someday rule an entire kingdom; you might someday become VP of Sales in the Great Lakes Region, if you're lucky. He’s going to have an adorable accent and be watched and loved his entire life; you’re filing for divorce. And despite this very obvious discrepancy between an unearned life of luxury and your mediocre existence, you are very happy for his family and wish him all the best.

Much better looking than you too.

Moody’s Downgrades Chicago Municipal Bonds to “Newark”

CHICAGO, IL – Due to rising crime costs and an ever increasing pension liability, putting the City of Chicago at major risk, rating agency Moody’s decided to downgrade the city’s municipal bonds to “Newark,” one of the lowest ratings out there. “There are some beautiful parts of the city, I guess, but Chicago already has a budget deficit of over $300 million,” analyst Rachel Merelman explains. “We considered going so far as downgrading them to ‘Phoenix’ or ‘Las Vegas,’ but we thought that was too drastic. Downgrading to ‘Newark’ sends a nice warning signal that Chicago needs to pull itself together.” Newark mayor Cory Booker called Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel to welcome him to what he calls the “Rock Bottom Club” or RBC, which includes among others Edwin M. Lee of Oakland and Francis Slay of St. Louis. The RBC meets every month to discuss best practices in blaming their predicament on things outside of their control. Moody’s did say that, while highly unlikely, if the City of Chicago loses its main source of GDP, has half of its population leave, and generally loses all hope of recovery, the rating agency is willing to downgrade the city to “Detroit.”

Chicago's new credit rating

Janitor Commits Suicide Because You Stepped on His Freshly Mopped Floor

CHICAGO, IL - Remember yesterday when you walked into the train station bathroom? Remember how clean and fresh that floor was? Remember that nice janitor standing there with a mop and a smile? You probably don't. Because you thought nothing of it as you stepped all over that sweet man's work. Freddy Jones knew that being a janitor in a busy station is tough work - the job is never really done. He mops and mops while people trek all over the busy bathroom. But yesterday afternoon, after 22 years of mopping, he thought he finally did it. He thought he finally cleaned the whole floor without anyone stepping on it. And all he wanted to do was stand there and enjoy the miracle, even if only for a moment. But you - YOU! - just had to come in and put your dirty, stinking boot on that pristine tile. You didn't even have to really go to the bathroom; you just thought it'd be a good idea before the long train ride. Well, friend, that was the last straw. You broke Freddy's heart, and last night he drowned himself in his mop bucket, you selfish bastard. Now, let's just hope that lady you let the elevator door close on doesn't slit her throat by day's end.

He had three kids

Genius 22-Year-Old Scientist Backpacks Through Time to Find Himself

BOSTON, MA – At only 22 years of age, certified genius and recent Harvard PhD graduate Carl Peltz is about to head out on a time traveling journey in order to get in touch with his inner self. A Mensa inductee since the age of 12, Dr. Peltz has developed a functioning, one-man time machine that will allow him to explore the globe like no one ever has. The prodigy explains, “A lot of my friends are planning on going to Europe or doing some sightseeing in the Far East. Balls to that! I’m going to hang out with Jesus, Washington, and the awesome people of 3526.” When asked if he sees anything selfish about forgoing the opportunity to use all the love, money, and teaching he’s soaked up like a sponge the past 22-years to make the world a better place, and instead opting to embark on a vain attempt to “find himself,” whatever that means, the wiz kid simply said, “Nope. I need some Me Time right now.” Experts have said, however, that his journey puts the entire universe and space-time continuum at perilous risk should he actually, physically find himself.

First Stop: Renaissance

Brown President Replaces Black President to Denote Futuristic Movie Setting

LOS ANGELES, CA – In the upcoming science fiction film Elysium, set in 2154, the President of the high-tech utopian country will be played by Faran Tahir, a Pakistani-American actor, to really give a feel for how far into the future the movie is supposed to be. Since the election of President Obama, screenwriters have had a real hard time figuring out how to best depict a futuristic national leader. Movie critic James Mulino explains, “Back in the day of The Fifth Element and Deep Impact, all you had to do was cast a black actor and BOOM! people feel like they’re in some distant time period. But now? A black president gets you maybe to 2016.” After considering several options for President Patel, Elysium screenwriter Neill Blomkamp landed on Pakistani because “hey, that’s never going to happen anytime soon.” However, the hero of the film will be played by Matt Damon since "a white, American male hero holds no matter the setting." The Writers Guild of America feels that there will eventually be a woman president in movies but no one has written a script that far into the future yet. 

President Patel? Not in this lifetime.

'The Great Gatsby' Book Decent

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Great Gatsby, written by newcomer F. Scott Fitzgerald and based on the recent major motion picture, came out this week we think and is satisfactory enough. Considering the May 10^th premier of the film, Mr. Fitzgerald only took a couple months to write the passable novel, and it shows. The acceptable prose and adequate character development, while sufficient for a book, just don’t pop off the page the way a 3-D Leonardo DiCaprio popped off the screen playing the charismatic Jay Gatsby. The American novelist gives an ample effort to describe the roaring 1920s party scene, but to be perfectly honest, he just can’t compete with Baz Luhrmann’s set design and Jay-Z’s thumping beats. The only positive part about this new book version is that, at 180 pages, it’s relatively short, though it would obviously take less time to just see the far superior movie. The tolerable book is selling well enough though, prompting movie studios to evaluate other money making opportunities. There are already rumors that they might make Luhrmann’s and DiCaprio’s Romeo + Juliet into a play by the end of the year.

Just watch the movie

Credit KaraKreative for book cover

Cleveland Indians Fan Who Caught Four Foul Balls Still From Cleveland

CLEVELAND, OH – At a Cleveland Indians game on Sunday, lifetime fan Greg Van Niel caught four foul balls, an incredibly lucky feat that does not change the fact that he’s from Cleveland and cheers for the Indians. Mr. Van Neil is a season ticket holder, which unfortunately means he was not there by some sad accident. Four times throughout the game, he reached up and snatched an errant foul ball right out of the sky, an amazing occasion that brought him great joy, at least until he looked back down at his jersey to read “Cleveland” brazened across the front, bringing back all those sad memories of his town and upbringing.  Odds makers put the chances of catching four foul balls at 1 in a trillion; regrettably, his odds of living and working in one of the worst places in the world stand at 1 in 1. Mr. Van Neil finally admitted after the game, “I guess it wasn’t that lucky. I mean there were only like 50 or so people at the game, and most of them were too depressed to even get out of their seats.” The Cleveland Indians ended up winning the game against the Kansas City Royals 6-4, but alas they’re still the Cleveland Indians. 

Poor guy

Clearly, the Houston Astros Aren’t Cheating

HOUSTON, TX – After years of steroid use in Major League Baseball, player scrutiny has reached an all-time high, but we can all pretty much agree that the Houston Astros are definitely not cheating. The Astros currently own a record of 33-61, making them the worst team in baseball. Many believe that the team is a beacon of truth and proof that the game is like really, really hard. Geoffrey Wright, leader of MLB Compliance explains, “You don’t even need a drug test to know these guys are playing it straight—all you need is a box score. I mean look at some of these players’ stats. Carlos Pena is hitting .212 right now, so he obviously isn't getting any help. Lucas Harrell has an ERA of 5.07! There is absolutely no way he’s using anything that enhances his performance.” With this kind of logic, it’s safe to assume that the Milwaukee Brewers, Minnesota Twins, Miami Marlins, and Chicago White Sox are also not currently cheating. “Oh, and the Chicago Cubs. They've never cheated. Ever. Obviously.” The MLB is testing everyone regardless of records though, and the Boston Red Sox, leading the league in wins, actually came out clean. When asked how they can win so many games without the use of PEDs, Wright said, “They have talented players.”

Astros fans should be very proud

Zimmerman to Keep Watch for Martin’s True Killer

SANFORD, FL – George Zimmerman, acquitted of all charges in the murder of Trayvon Martin, has publicly devoted himself to reclaim his neighborhood watch post and find whoever killed that poor kid. Leaving the courthouse, Mr. Zimmerman made a statement, "whoever murdered that nice young man is still out there, because it obviously wasn't me according to the great state of Florida and those six sensible ladies on the jury. It makes me sick to my stomach that whoever committed this heinous crime, in my lovely neighborhood, is just walking around a free man. It's absolutely shameful." Zimmerman then reclaimed his 9mm pistol from the county evidence locker and went back to his truck to keep a heroic watch over his neighborhood. "I have an idea of what to look for. These punks all look alike." Florida police told Zimmerman that he doesn't have to do this, that they will continue to look for the murderer, but Zimmerman made it clear that he has made it his calling and he can’t be stopped. Zimmerman then spotted a young, dark-skinned man in a hooded sweatshirt who probably killed Martin he assumed and started chasing after him in the name of justice.

Florida's Newest Hero

Marriage Has Always Been Gay

NEW YORK, NY – Many people celebrated last month when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, thereby paving the way for same sex couples to marry in the United States, but people are starting to realize that marriage has always been gay kind of. "Well, first off," relays renowned wedding coordinator Avery Scott, "a supposed straight marriage doesn't even happen until a guy gets down on one knee, which is like half gay already." From there, allegedly straight men start picking outfits, analyzing center pieces, and talking thoughtfully about the strength of their relationships with their many friends and family. "What can be gayer than that?" Jared Hamilton, who claims he's straight, realized that he too has dabbled in homosexuality when he remembered insisting to his then fiancé that the floral colors include fuchsia and lemon chiffon because it would look great in pictures. "I had no idea I was so gay," stated the enlightened Mr. Hamilton. People are also beginning to realize that divorce—with its lawyers, paperwork, general lack of fabulousness, and the fact that an overwhelming majority of people identify themselves as divorced—is most definitely straight.

These queers got married in the
Gayest Wedding of the Century

Dogs’ Mouths Way Dirtier Than Originally Thought, Morally Speaking

BOSTON, MA – Dr. Ian Fischer, a German animal scientist at MIT, has developed a groundbreaking device that can translate dogs’ barks into human language, and what he has heard has been very disturbing. “These guys are some real sick pups.” Dr. Fischer demonstrated the device in his federally funded animal language lab. In a closed experiment, a cocker spaniel hovered near his master’s dinner table, letting out little yips and growls in an effort to get some table scraps. The machine read, “Hey! Hey, you! Yeah I’m talking to you, you c**k sucking mother f****r. Give me some of your s****y food before I dry hump your mother to death.” And it doesn't get any better when the dogs talk to each other. Some dogs are real breedists, calling for segregated blood lines. Dr. Fischer said, “Last week, I listened in to a conversation between two golden retrievers, and they were saying how all mutts should have their own trees and water bowls.” The animal scientist did find that cats, while prone to give off a sense of rancid pretentiousness, are actually incredibly affable. “Compared to the dogs, these kitties are friggin Mormons.”

Buff coat. Black heart.

Family Comfortable Enough to Give New Boyfriend Shit

PITTSBURGH, PA – The Jameson family is finally at a point where they are comfortable enough to tease and ridicule Freddy Cohen—the kindly young man who is dating their youngest daughter—directly to his stupid little face. “When Cindy first introduced us to Freddy, we were of course polite and cordial,” said Mr. Jameson. “Then we started making fun of him behind his back for a month or so. And now, I think we’re ready to start verbally assaulting him in person. Point out his flaws. Bring him down a peg or two.” Cindy’s brother Dave continued, “Don’t get us wrong, we think Freddy’s great and perfect for Cindy. But this is just how the Jameson’s do things. Hell, we’ve been ripping Cindy apart for years. Out of love, of course.” Mrs. Jameson added, “Right now, we’ll start with veiled jabs and some low blows. But we’d like to think, as their wonderful relationship blossoms, that we’ll take the gloves off and move on to more interesting topics like his inferior upbringing or lousy education. Who knows, maybe someday we can get into the whole Jewish thing.” Freddy welcomes the friendly abuse and personally can’t wait until he can call Mr. Jameson an asshole and get away with it.

Look at the happy family

Lady Who Lives in Shoe Sentenced to Birth Control, Probation

LONDON, ENGLAND – After months of testimony, the Court of England sentenced the lady who lives in a shoe to indefinite ingestion of birth control pills and 18 months of probation for acts of child abuse. According to several eyewitnesses, the old lady “had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.” The lady who lives alone has never been married and could not recount who the father(s) is/are of most of the children in her oddly shaped residence. The judge deemed forced contraceptives as an appropriate way to help the clearly overburdened old lady. She was further punished for overt acts of child abuse. One brave child, speaking for the rest of his brothers and sisters, recounted that “she gave them some broth without any bread.” As if that wasn't enough, the cantankerous old lady “whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.” The lady was condemned to probation and community service, and will have to submit herself and her children to monthly visits from London Child Services. The Court was happy to put the case behind them and move onto the alleged animal cruelty case involving a one “Mother Hubbard.”

What kind of hell is this?

Man without a Cover on His iPhone a Cocky Motherfucker

ST. LOUIS, MO – A man riding the bus yesterday was seen holding a brand new iPhone 5, however he did not have a protective cover encasing the device, the prick. Philip Egan bought the phone last week for $200 with a new 2-year contract and a dangerously inflated ego. “I mean, who does this d-bag think he is?” said a fellow bus traveler. “Those new iPhone’s don’t even have the metal frame anymore; they’re just cheap Chinese plastic and will shatter on contact.” The bus driver added, “You know, last week, I dropped my iPhone for no goddamn reason. I didn’t bump nothing or trip my ass. My brain just told my hand to open up and, sure as hell, my phone fell right to the fucking ground. Would have broke if it weren’t for my Cardinals themed phone case. What, does this sonofabitch think he’s better than me?” An anonymous source from the Verizon Wireless store disclosed that Mr. Egan also chose to forgo the insurance, which means replacing his phone would cost upwards of $600. “Oh, so I guess he’s a rich asshole too. Now he’s just asking for it.”

It's like looking into the future

Researchers Still Figuring Out Best Word for “Sexy Tweet”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Sexting, the act of exchanging sexually explicit text messages, has been around for several years and used by numerous groups including curious teenagers, persistent ex-boyfriends, and reality television stars. In fact, the name “sexting,” a mash up of the words “sexy” and “texting,” has become common vernacular in today’s mobile age. Researchers, however, are still struggling to come up with a name for a “sexy Tweet,” in which a person uses Twitter to post promiscuous 140-character comments or even a picture of their private parts on the social website. “We just can’t figure this one out,” says head researcher Richard Folly. “Many people think ‘Twat’ would work, but that name is already taken by the vagina. We’d like to come up with something entirely new. It’s just so hard to follow sexting. We were already highly criticized for our lack of creativity on sextagram.” Various options on the table include “Tweenie,” “Vwag,” "Skeet Tweet," “Chirp,” “Bieber,” “Doing the Anthony Weiner,” and the admittedly less thoughtful “Dick Tweet.” The research group did note that a sexy post on Vine, a mobile app that is used to upload and share short videos, will continue to be called “porn.”

"I'll Tweet you mine if you Tweet me yours."

Tom Hanks’ Character in Cast Away Revealed to Have Masturbated, Like a Lot

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a new director’s cut of Cast Away (2000), Chuck Noland, the main character played by Tom Hanks, is shown to have masturbated a considerable amount while stranded on the deserted island. Director Robert Zemeckis based this new edition on the first draft of the original screenplay, which had just pages upon pages of Chuck pleasuring himself in a tropical paradise. In many instances, Chuck’s only friend Wilson is forced to watch the acts of self-gratification as he is an inanimate volleyball and doesn't have the ability to turn away. “Remember those scenes in which Chuck would look at the locket containing his wife’s picture?” Wilson asks. “In the original movie those moments felt lovingly sincere. But in reality, they are just the precursor to a violently sad jerk session followed by tears and loneliness.” The extended film shows how Chuck ultimately decides not to kill himself because he finally realizes that beating off all day under the shade of a coconut tree really isn’t that bad of a life. Zemeckis says the studio initially forced him to cut the crank scenes because it would be “too realistic.” The director asked, “I mean, honestly, what would you do?”

"Say something dirty, Wilson!"

Area Man Steals 'The Onion’s' Format Because He Thinks He’s Funny

CHICAGO, IL – A local man named Tommy decided to steal the fake news format of revered periodical 'The Onion' in order to serve his depressing need to be creative. Throughout most of his life, Tommy has devoted himself to swimming, school, and a career in finance. For many people this would be enough, but Tommy has always had a pathetic, undying need to be funny. He tried his miserable, little hand at stand-up comedy and Second City, and he was a creative director of Kellogg’s "Special K!" school play (which doesn’t make any sense because it’s a fucking business school). The included picture is an actual head shot for which he paid actual money in his vain attempt to be artistically successful. Now that he’s entering the next stage of his career, which will likely destroy his soul over the next few decades, he created this blog in one last ditch effort to make people laugh. He stole 'The Onion’s' fake news format because he’s always enjoyed it but really because he doesn’t have any other better ideas. “The Lonely Petunia” name comes from a song about a petunia crying in an onion patch—get it? He hopes you enjoy, but you probably won’t.

Seriously, what an asshole...