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Actor Gets Role of Lifetime in Shitty Commercial

LOS ANGELES, CA – After years of desperation requiring an iron will and saintly patience, struggling actor Robbie Jones finally got the role of a lifetime in a piece of shit commercial. “It’s my big break,” said the Julliard School graduate who came to Los Angeles looking for fame and fortune and will now play the lead role in a commercial no one will pay attention to. Robbie, who has been waiting for this moment his entire life, was cast as “Barbecue Guy” who will stand in front of a grill talking to his neighbor “Neighbor” about the benefits of a new product that absolutely no viewer will be moved to buy. “I was born to play this role,” emoted Robbie about the character described as a “white, middle-aged male” who says such scripted lines as, “I’m telling you, buddy, Mercury’s customer service rating is 97%!” Robbie, who shares the same training as Kevin Spacey and Kelsey Grammar, excitedly told all his friends about the late night advertisement that most viewers will either mute or make fun of. Sources confirmed that Robbie’s mom is very proud and just knows that he’s “going places.”

Look out world!

Walmart Promotes Local Employee to Human Being

HARRISBURG, PA – Citing exceptional performance and a commitment to the company above and beyond the call of duty, Walmart promoted local employee James Tomlin to Human Being. “Over the course of the last 12 years,” announced Regional VP Gerald Northcott in a branch meeting, “James has been an exemplary Walmart employee, and I want to be the first to congratulate him on this landmark achievement in becoming a Human Being.” Mr. Northcott then shook Mr. Tomlin’s hand and commended him on his entry into the upper echelon of Walmart’s employee base. “Listen up! I want everyone to start treating James like the Human Being he now is!” exclaimed Mr. Northcott with his arm around the former Sub-Human Worker, joking that Mr. Tomlin shouldn’t let it all go to his head. Following the celebration, Mr. Tomlin was informed by corporate that the promotion is in name only, and while he will enjoy the new title of Human Being, he still won’t be paid like one.

Welcome to the 1%

Packers Lobby to Play Vikings Every Week

GREEN BAY, WI – Following the Green Bay Packers’ 44-31 win over the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday Night Football, Coach Mike McCarthy made a formal request to commissioner Roger Goodell to play the Vikings every week for the rest of the season. “Given the proximity of the two teams, and considering Mr. Goodell’s concerns with player safety, we feel it would be in the best interest of the team to play the Vikings in a weekly match-up,” positioned Mr. McCarthy, noting that no one was injured or concussed in last night’s game. “We’ll even play in Minnesota for every game. Obviously, that’s not an issue.” The head coach also said that, if the proposal is unacceptable, they’d also consider playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or Jacksonville Jaguars. “Maybe even the Bears, because we understand how hard it is to travel when injured.” Following their week 8 loss, the Minnesota Vikings put in a request to Mr. Goodell for an 8-game season. 

Josh Freeman wouldn't even need to leave his bench. 

Local Gym Offers Fitness Death Camp

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Advertising innovative motivation techniques and superior results, Flagstaff Athletic Club has rolled out their new Fitness Death Camp as part of their fall schedule. In a statement released on its website, gym owner and CEO Eric Parker announced that the new exercise class uses the real-life, hard-hitting techniques utilized in death camps around the world in order to improve fitness and build strength for all enrollees.

Moving past the traditional military boot camps, which, according to resources have become rather passé among inner fitness circles, FAC spared no expense in hiring seasoned training professionals, many of whom have administered death camps in countries such as Venezuela, Nigeria, and Iraq, to name a few. One such personal trainer who goes by the name of Oleg appreciates the opportunity, saying, “It’s really nice to work in a challenging but safe environment. I get to do what I do best, but without all the guilt.”

The groundbreaking methods have already caught on among the early adopters at Flagstaff’s popular gym. “First, all trainers carry a rifle, which does wonders for your concentration,” relayed local college student Emily Wright who explained how her trainer Axel got her to sweat like she’s never sweat before. “But they really go the extra mile to burn those calories. For example, last week Axel grabbed my mom, who he had kidnapped the night before, and threatened to slit her throat if I don’t drop down and give him 20. Easiest push-ups I’ve ever done.”

Beyond traditional body-weight exercises, trainers have incorporated social tests, including a 40 mile team march through Arizona’s desert, stopping every 5 miles to crush rocks or dig ditches. “I would have never thought that manual labor could tone my traps and shoulders as much as it has,” praised one athlete while chained by the ankle to his fellow team members. “I’m definitely going to use that ‘Refer a Comrade’ deal they have going on.”

On top of the fitness regimen, the health club within FAC is offering meal plans that mimic the type of diet one would come to expect from a traditional death camp. For only an additional $150 a month, the club’s team of chefs will prepare, package, and ship a weekly package of muddy water, maggot infested bread crusts, and a fetid stew-like dish. “The low-carb, low-calorie, low-nutrition combination has been perfect for my weight-loss goals,” raved Jeremy Corbett, who has lost 15 pounds in his first week, due also in part to the fact that he barely sleeps each night as a result of class flashbacks. Lifting up his shirt to show his sculpted ribs, he smiled and said, “You can’t argue with results.”

Following the early success of the class, Mr. Parker said that there are already plans in place to create a permanent structure, complete with 10-foot cement walls, barbed wire, watch towers, and armed guards for those gym rats who really want to take their fitness to the next level. “Participants will check into the state-of-the-art workout facility with a stated set of fitness goals, be it weight loss or lean muscle build, and we promise that they won’t leave until those goals are met. That’s a guarantee.”

Coming soon to a gym near you.

Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped

LUXEMBOURG CITY, LUXEMBOURG – Following reports that the U.S. government might have tapped the cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Henri the Grand Duke of Luxembourg wants to know why, well, why his phone wasn't tapped. “Am I not good enough?!” exclaimed the Luxembourg head of state who also goes by the name Henri Albert Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume. “Luxembourg is a keystone in the European Union, bordering Belgium, France, and Germany! What, does the U.S. not think I know a thing or two about what’s going on in those countries? I’m in the loop.” The proud descendant of Jean Benoît Guillaume Robert Antoine Louis Marie Adolphe Marc d'Aviano pointed out that the Luxembourg army has over 900 trained civilians, and, in addition to being part of the EU, Luxembourg is a central member of NATO, the OECD, and the United Nations. “I mean, if I was Obama, I would want to know what I was saying. Perhaps I’m up to no good.” Following the interview, Henri, the first cousin of the current King of the Belgians by the way, was looking for Kim Jong Un’s phone number.

I get no respect, no respect. 

New Key & Peele Episode To Highlight Differences Between Black and White People

LOS ANGELES, CA – Diverging from its traditional slate of sketch and situational comedy, tonight’s episode of Key & Peele will make fun of the differences between black people and white people. “We wanted to try something totally new,” explained Keegan-Michael Key, who stars alongside Jordan Peele in the Comedy Central segment that airs Wednesdays at 9:30CT. The African-American comedians have noticed that their lives can sometimes deviate from those of their white counterparts. “We talk differently; we behave differently; and we have very different cultures. We feel that it would be amusing to emphasize those disparities in a comedic fashion.” “But it’s more than that,” Mr. Peele added. “Throughout history, whites and blacks have had their challenges, and we both believe that making light of those variances might create a catharsis, if you will, by allowing people to laugh at and yet celebrate their very diverse backgrounds. As far as we know, it’s never been done before.” Following the groundbreaking episode, Comedy Central will air a brand new Daily Show that will feature Jon Stewart humiliating Fox News.

They might show how men and women are different too. 

Food Truck Operator Yelling Something About Food

CHICAGO, IL – Several sources confirmed this afternoon that a local food truck operator was yelling something about food. Parked on the corner of Franklin and Jackson near the Willis Tower, a man standing inside a 1985 Avostar retrofitted to prepare food was hollering at passersby various things about food and food related items. “I’m fairly certain he was screaming about food,” conjectured one pedestrian who walked by the truck labeled “Schnitzel” on his way to a Jimmy John’s about a block away. “I think he was shouting at people descriptions of food and prices of food. If I had to guess, I’d say he was trying to sell food directly from his truck to people on the street. But I could be wrong.” Eye witnesses verified that the truck-based vendor—who carries a city-issued permit to advertise and market his food—had examples of food on display for people to look at in case they wanted to purchase and then eat the food. One patron was seen consuming the food from the truck and agreed with the street chef that it was “pretty good.” At press time, another truck pulled up to apparently compete by selling a different kind of food. 

Hot sustenance here! Get your hot sustenance here!

Area Woman Loves Middle Husband the Most

IRVINE, CA – After claiming that it’s really impossible to choose a favorite, thrice divorced Sharon Pierce said that if she had to choose she’d probably say that she loves her middle husband Mitch Woodson the most. “I mean, everyone remembers their first. It’s the oldest marriage and really paves the way for the rest of them,” said Ms. Pierce, reflecting on how young she was when she first married Jay Kilborn 32 years ago and how they really had no idea what they were doing, adding “it was just so exciting.” “I like to think of my third marriage to Brad (Tiller) as the baby of the three. It was such a sweet and loving marriage,” said the 54-year old woman about her most recent marriage that lasted seven years. “But Mitch was something special—our marriage was a roller coaster of emotions,” ruminated Ms. Pierce, echoing the sentiment of many people with middle marriages. “Looking back, I kind of neglected Mitch and took him for granted. Feeling like he was always in Jay’s shadow and knowing that there was probably another marriage on the way, all he really wanted was some attention.” Ms. Pierce added that while she loves Mitch the most, she absolutely hates all of her ex-husbands equally.

Wait til she meets #4.

Novo Nordisk Launches Fun Size Insulin Pen

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk launched sales of its new line of “Fun Size” insulin pens. Lars Sorensen, CEO of the medical equipment manufacturer famous for its diabetes treatments, held a press conference today announcing the innovative product that should hit shelves prior to Halloween. “We noticed two major trends in the United States,” said the visionary executive through a translator. “First, early onset diabetes is rapidly increasing among American children. And second, they’re incredibly depressed. The new Fun Size Insulin Pens by Novo Nordisk will address both these issues.” The miniature pens, offered in packs of 6 or 12, will feature exciting colors and easy to grip cushions for the children’s “tiny and/or chubby fingers.” “In the short term, we hope to see the pens passed out to Trick-or-Treaters to help kids break down all those pesky sugars. And in the long term, we’re looking to see a Fun Size Insulin Pen in every Lunchable and Happy Meal across the country. Our mission to the nation’s children is to make diabetes fun.” Next month, Nova Nordisk hopes to launch their new King Size Insulin Pen.

Russell is in line to be the primary spokesman

Obama Hires Congress Whisperer

WASHINGTON, DC – In a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona. “I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was forced to bring in the parliamentary coach known worldwide for his unorthodox, if sometimes controversial, teaching methods. “He’s the best.” Mr. Cardona’s legend dates back to the government shut down of 1995, when he used hard looks, neck nips, and stern caressing to bring then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to the negotiating table. Since then, he’s traveled the world to end disagreements with troublesome officials—most recently, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel called upon Mr. Cardona to deal with the combative bureaucrats of the European Union. “In the end,” Mr. Cardona has said, “you must recognize that these elected officials want to be good and crave our love and approval. But they need to know that the best way to achieve that is doing what we ask.” Mr. Cardona was last seen petting Speaker of the House John Boehner behind the ear after the U.S. Representative ignored a Tea Party constituent for the first time. “Good Speaker.”

Tough love is all you need

Intern Thinks He’s Leaving at 5

PHOENIX, AZ – An intern at Forward Capital Partners is currently operating under the assumption that he’s going to leave the office at 5:00PM this evening. Michael Shear, a senior at Arizona State working towards his finance degree, came into the office this morning about an hour earlier than normal determined to work efficiently and effectively in order to have all his work done by 5:00PM, giving him the chance to head out early and take his girlfriend Kelly out on a date. “I made reservations for 6:00PM to her favorite Italian restaurant,” said the hopeful part-timer. “I figure we can get there early, have some drinks. Then dinner. And then go see Gravity in IMAX tonight at 7:30. I already bought the tickets.” Mr. Shear skipped his normal lunch break and avoided ESPN and any other internet distractions throughout the entire day. At 4:35PM he was seen cleaning out his in-box and making sure there were no loose ends so he could have a clear and enjoyable evening with Kelly. Final reports showed that at 4:58PM, team leader Joe Drape came over to talk to Michael and that, yeah, he’s not going anywhere.

Where do you think you're going?

Congress Raises National Glass Ceiling

WASHINGTON, DC – Responding to the nation’s cries for improving the way of life for women and minorities, Congressional leaders finally came together and raised the national glass ceiling. “For too long, our country’s women and minorities have been paralyzed by an unseen, yet unbreakable barrier that has kept them out of the upper rungs of corporate and governmental leadership, which is why we’re happy to announce that we have come together and raised it just a little bit,” said Representative John Boehner in front a hand selected group of women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans. “Congressional members reached across the aisle this week and came to a consensus that this metaphorical ceiling was crippling American development and creating needless political theater.” The House and Senate passed a bill that will raise the national glass ceiling for the next six months, after which they will reconvene and address the scheduled glass ceiling deadline once more. “We’re confident this short-term fix will lead to a longer term solution. Until then, our women and minorities have a little more room to advance their careers.” When asked if it’s possible that the country could just remove the glass ceiling altogether, Mr. Boehner replied, “We’re looking into it.”

You're welcome.

Plus Size Model Doubles As Before Picture Model

LOS ANGELES, CA – Living a double life, Sharon Frost works as a plus size model, reminding women and girls everywhere that they are beautiful human beings and should value their bodies no matter what they look like, and as a “Before Picture” model to remind all women and girls that they are disgusting creatures who can turn themselves into something worth looking at if they would just buy the promoted product. Mrs. Frost knew she was destined for this dual role when she was a lovely, chubby 8-year-old girl. “I remember looking in the mirror and being totally confused as to whether I should be proud of myself or absolutely revolted by my plump physical appearance. I knew then that I was fated to boost women’s confidence and scare them into buying beauty products.” Last week, the 180lb 5’4” woman modeled for a Dove “Real Beauty” commercial, which promotes inner beauty and a message that all women should love the body they’re in. Mrs. Frost then went and took a picture in a bikini, which will be used to show a revolting, horrifying example of what consumers could leave behind if they buy Dr. Oz’s Diet Pills. Mrs. Frost has a 10-year-old daughter who was last seen eating ice cream and crying. 

Beauty is so confusing

Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant infighting and addiction to accomplishing absolutely nothing. “There are kids getting neglected food and cancer treatment and government workers being denied pay because these ‘leaders’ are trying to stop a bill that was passed three years ago.” Frank Bensinger, a registered Republican, said, “Look, I’m all for smaller government and individual liberty, but not at the cost of holding the American people hostage. That’s not in the constitution.” Mr. Collins and Mr. Bensinger then agreed, like all Americans tired of their representatives, that it’s probably better to run this country with a simple children’s game than with the people they’ve elected to run things. Heeding the nation’s call to do away with political bickering, Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner squared off in a match in which Mr. Reid’s paper covered Mr. Boehner’s rock, thereby restarting the government and funding the Affordable Care Act. At press time, Mr. Boehner was demanding to make it a best 2 out of 3.

Checks and balances

U.S. Government Expected To Be #1 Halloween Costume This Year

Time magazine released a report today that the U.S. Government is expected to be the #1 Halloween costume for 2013. Kids all over the nation are excited to put on their best Congress, President, and Government Worker costumes come October 31st. What on earth will this look like?! Here are some pictures of what to expect this Halloween. 

Here's the U.S. Government in front of
Mrs. Robinson's house. 

Look at all the Nonessential Government Workers
posing in front of this house on Elm St. How CUTE!

Congress had no idea what to expect from the Aaronson
Family. But they're all smiles here!

This little President Obama just loved
getting THREE Reese's cups!

No one was home, but that's not going to stop this
National Park Operator from trying to get some candy.

Tiny Representative Boehner didn't mind getting
a popcorn ball. He LOVES popcorn balls!

Luckily the Albertson family left a candy dish
around back for all these Furloughed Employees.

Here's all of Congress doing what they do best.

Warm Toilet Seat Reminds Gary Roth We’re All in This Together

SACRAMENTO, CA – Sitting down on a still warm toilet seat in his office bathroom, Gary Roth came to the realization that, really, we’re all in this together. Gary entered the bathroom just as his fellow co-worker Bill Kaster left the non-handicapped stall, and the pair gave a friendly nod before Gary took Bill’s place on the porcelain throne. “When I sat down, and felt the warm glow left by Bill’s butt cheeks against my own skin, it just suddenly hit me: we’re all riding this crazy thing called ‘life’ together.” Gary explained how feeling the heat generated by another man’s ass helped him put his life and his entire existence into a better perspective. “Throw out all the titles; get rid of all the societal pressure; and strip away all the foolishness of our seemingly meaningless existence and you’ll see that we’re really just a bunch of lost souls looking for a peaceful place to take a shit.” Without realizing it, Gary left a dribble of urine on the toilet seat to remind his other co-worker Aaron Shear that some people are fucking rude. 

What a shitty revelation

BREAKING: Government Shut Down Clock Shuts Down, Government Continues

WASHINGTON, DC – The ticking clock counting down the minutes to the 12:00AM deadline for Congress to pass legislation to fund the government’s operations shut down this afternoon around 3:55PM EST, causing all members of both the House and Senate to revert back to serving the American people. “I think the clock malfunction brought us all back to our senses,” said a slightly dazed and confused Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “When it stopped ticking, I looked over at Harry [Reid], and we both realized that the clock is really an arbitrary mechanism used for political gamesmanship that holds the American people as hostages. It’s kind of a silly thing if you think about it.” Mr. Boehner and Mr. Reid then shook hands and agreed that this kind of brinkmanship is completely ludicrous and emotionally draining for just about everyone. They then vowed to "forget this nonsense" and get back to doing what the American citizens elected them to do. “We’re going to get back to work.” At press time the clock started up again, and Mr. Boehner punched Mr. Reid in the face.

It's counting down their approval rating

Black Man Forced To Back Of Elevator

ATLANTA, GA – After leaving his corner office on the top floor of the Coca-Cola headquarters, John Robinson, a black man, entered the elevator alone only to be forced to the back like some sub-human unworthy of a front row position. Mr. Robinson got on the elevator on the 29^th floor as a free and independent rider. At floor 27, however, a white male got on, imposing Mr. Robinson to take a step backwards. At floor 23, another patron entered, driving the proud African-American another step farther. And so it went. With each successive entrant, Mr. Robinson was being pushed not only to the back of the elevator but backwards in time to an era of hatred, when men and women were subjected to systematic mistreatment based solely on the color of their skin. When the elevator finally came to rest at the lobby, the collection of cold-hearted racists flooded out onto the ground floor as Mr. Robinson could only wait his turn. Finally, Mr. Robinson and a white woman were the only two people left in the elevator car, and with his spirit crushed and his mind fully aware that battling the tides of social oppression equates to futility, Mr. Robinson was forced to let her go first. 

Racism is a group effort

Area Man Excited to Find out What Kind Of Rental Car He’s Going to Have Sex In

CHARLESTON, SC – Waiting in giddy anticipation at the Hertz service desk, area man Matt Gray is excited to find out what kind of rental car he’s going to drive around town and eventually have sex in. “I hope it’s an SUV,” said Mr. Gray, who came to Charleston from Boston with his wife Vanessa Gray for their nephew’s wedding. “I reserved an Economy car, which usually means a Camry or something. The seats go pretty far back on the Camry, so we would be able to fool around pretty comfortably.” Matt then tried to remember if the arm rests go up enough for his wife to give him road head on their drive to the ceremony. “Hertz is pretty good with upgrades, though. So, if we get, like, an Escape or even a Tahoe, we’ll definitely be able to put the back seats flat and have some fun. Don’t come a knockin’, am I right?!” At press time, Mrs. Gray told reporters it’s not happening. 

Come on baby, make it Hertz so good.

Boss’s Party Going to Be Great Time Says Boss

SAN DIEGO, CA – The birthday party happy hour for Regional Vice President Gerald Preston is going to be a great time according to Regional Vice President Gerald Preston. This afternoon, Mr. Preston could be seen going from cube to cube in the Horizon Company’s regional headquarters telling everyone that they should definitely be looking forward to this evening’s revelry between 6-8PM at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. “I know how you kids like an open bar,” Mr. Preston said over a muffled chuckle before winking at Administrative Assistant Karen Jameson. He also made sure to thank everyone for surprising him in the main conference room with cake and ice cream after lunch. “I was completely and pleasantly shocked,” said the beaming mid-level executive. “And everyone sang so beautifully!” Around 5:30, Mr. Preston giddily started to “rally the troops,” telling everyone to “stop working so damn hard!” Final reports showed that after the party everyone plans on going home to their respective families and loved ones, and Mr. Preston will be going home also. 

No gifts necessary

REPORT: 1 in 5 Handicapped Milking It

WASHINGTON, DC – A recent report paid for by the Republican National Committee to demonstrate frivolous spending in Obamacare shows that 1 in 5 handicapped are milking their disabilities to gain the public’s sympathy. “We wanted to reveal to the American people the truth about healthcare spending in America,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, standing in front of a poster-sized pie chart with 20% of it labeled “Fakers.” The study had numerous examples including a man living in poverty on the south side of Chicago who uses a state-funded wheelchair despite the fact that he “clearly has legs.” “Don’t be duped by their crutches, seeing-eye dogs, or special education teachers,” said Mr. Priebus. “Some of these so-called ‘disabled’ are simply out to rob you of your hard earned dollar, and they have Obama wrapped around their allegedly crippled finger.” He then held up a picture of a 24-year old girl who is currently on her parent’s health plan in accordance with Obamacare and, using air quotes, said she was “diagnosed” with “multiple sclerosis.” “Looks fine to me!” Another study was released today showing that some people with severe mental disabilities never get diagnosed. 

Allegedly not disabled

Racist Bigot Calls Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins

PHILADELPHIA, PA – During Thursday Night Football's match between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, some racist Eagles fan kept calling the Kansas City Chiefs the Washington Redskins. “I couldn't believe it,” said Eagles fan Bernard Beneke, who was sitting next to the bigoted asshole as he screamed his hateful words. “He called the Chiefs a bunch of lousy ‘Washington Redskins.’ I've heard a lot of mean things watching football in Philly, but I've never heard someone use such a venomous racial slur before.” The Kansas City Chiefs NFL team name comes from paying homage to the many Native American people that call that area home; however, the Washington Redskins is simply put a racial epithet that comes from the violent and terrible history the Native Americans were subjected to at the hands of American settlers. In similar news, on November 17th the Philadelphia Eagles will be hosting the Washington Redskins—the football team, not the racial slur. Mr. Beneke excitedly proclaimed, “I can’t wait to slaughter the Redskins.”

Next up: The Los Angeles Wetbacks

Village Idiot Still Using iOS6

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Albert Malas, known around the local town as a 41-year-old moron with absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever, is reportedly still using iOS6 on his iPhone despite iOS7 being released yesterday. “Albert has always been a little late to the party,” said Jeremy Baird, the local gas station attendant, as he flipped through Apple’s new operating system, which includes an amazingly bright color palate and highly functional user interface. “I mean, iOS7 was released like 86,428 seconds ago. You know how many minutes that is? Get with the program already.” The foolish Mr. Malas could be seen fumbling through the outdated iOS6, which was released all the way back in September of 2012, on his silly little iPhone 4S. “I’m fine with iOS6,” said the simpleton who is completely satisfied with only four rows of icons on his junky mobile device. Like a total dullard, Mr. Malas tried to justify his being so far behind the times. “Honestly, I just use it for calling, email, and ESPN, and it works just fine.” After repeated ribbing by his very patient family and friends, the dolt finally upgraded to iOS7 two seconds before iOS7.1 was released.

7 is higher than 6, dummy

BREAKING: Dentist Drilling Your Mom Right Now

SANTA FE, NM – A series of reports are coming in saying that your family dentist Dr. Simms is currently drilling your mom. Allegedly, your mother left for her appointment about an hour ago, and according to an eyewitness named Andrea Miller, the office receptionist, your mom waited for a few minutes reading Time magazine while Dr. Simms prepared his tools to drill your mom. He then called her into his tiny room and laid her out flat on a reclining chair, which he’s used to drill lots of women, before telling her to open up so he can start drilling her—right in her mouth. He closed the door and gave your mom anesthesia to loosen her up a bit and remove any inhibitions so as not to fight against his aggressive drilling. It is expected that he is about half way through drilling your mom as you read this report. Smoke is coming out of your mom as your family dentist repeatedly shoves his tools into her mouth, and there is nothing you can do about it. The latest report says that when Dr. Simms is done drilling your mom he’s then going to have sex with her.

Don't ask what the eye glasses are for

Girl Uses Middle Name as Last Name on Facebook to Prevent Rape or Something

PORTLAND, OR – Elizabeth Reese uses only her first and middle name on Facebook, going by the name of Elizabeth Anne, to prevent rape or something. Her friends first noticed the change from Elizabeth Reese to Elizabeth Anne several months ago. “At first I thought I had a new friend, but then realized it was Elizabeth when I saw that she had the same profile picture,” said high school friend Kelly Friedman. “I guess she did it to make sure no one is stalking her? Or to prevent identity theft? I have no idea.” In fact, all other information on Elizabeth’s profile remained the same, including her alma mater, hometown, address, and phone number, but her surname is now Anne, which might prevent her from getting murdered somehow reports assume. “I mean, maybe she thinks some rapist is looking for her? And he’ll search for Elizabeth Reese on Facebook, see she’s not there, and then rape someone else?” imagined Elizabeth’s college ex-boyfriend Adam Lane. “I hope she’s not in trouble.” Reporters were able to confirm that absolutely no one is looking to rape Elizabeth or steal her identity, so maybe she just doesn’t like her last name probably. 

Hiding in plain sight

25 Things That Will Remind You That You Were Born In The 80s

1. Your driver’s license.
2. Your expired driver’s license, which you've kept for some reason.
3. Your 27th birthday was last year.
4. Your 28th birthday was this year.
5. Your 29th birthday is next year.
6. All your passwords end in “85," which represents the year you were born.
7. Your mom was born in 1951, and she had you when she was 34, meaning you were born in 1985.
8. You remind everyone you were born during the football season of the 1985 Chicago Bears, only the best team in the NFL’s history.
9. That Chase credit card application you just filled out asked for your birthday, and you answered correctly because you’re an adult.
10. The fact that you remember your birthday was September 2, 1985.
11. Your most recent W2.
12. Your college student ID. It doesn't have your birthday on it, but it was issued when you were 18 in 2003, meaning you were born 18 years prior (i.e. during the 1980s).
13. That carnie at the state fair guessed right when he said you were 27 years old this past summer.
14. You definitely don’t feel like a teenager anymore, but you don’t have kids either. So, you’re probably in your late 20s.
15. That girl who you met last month in a bar will remind you that you told her you were 31, which you know was a lie by 3 years because you like girls thinking you’re mature but look young.
16. Reagan was president when you were born, and he held office during the 1980s.
17. You and your best friend were born three days apart, and he’s 28 too.
18. Woodstock , held in the summer of 1969, was 16 years prior to when you were born. Your dad tells you all the time.
19. Your U.S. Passport with a decent amount of stamps in it will tell you that you were born 28 years ago.
20. You are fully, and completely aware that you are 28 years of age, and don’t need stupid reminders like pictures of Alf or snap bracelets to distract you from work when your career is so important right now because you’re in your late 20s.
21. You went to the first grade in 1990, which means you were either born in the 1980s or held back in kindergarten for a very long time (which you weren’t).
22. Your older brother always says things like “Wanna see 29?!” when you piss him off.
23. You were alive in 1989.
24. Your mom. Your mom will always remind you of these things when you forget. Because she’s your mom and she loves you.
25. You’re 28.

Can I write for BuzzFeed now?

Days Without Mass Shooting Sign Reverts Back to Zero

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the tragic shooting in a Washington Navy Yard that killed at least 12 people, the national “Days Without A Mass Shooting” sign clicked back down to zero. The sign was originally erected in 1995 by the NRA to inspire people to be careful and remind them to stop shooting each other. The daily counter made it all the way to 276 days, the amount of time since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 14, 2012, which resulted in the heartbreaking deaths of 26 children and teachers. The shooting rampage that resulted in six deaths by the hand of Pedro Alberto Vargas in Hialeah, FL in July of this year did not reset the counter as the definition of “mass shooting” was amended to be no less than 10 people when the U.S. ban on assault weapons was lifted in 2004. Some have called for more drastic measures in an effort to increase the streaks between shootings; in response, the NRA has vowed to make the sign bigger. 

This sign has never seen a comma

Self-Named "Grammar Nazi" Apparently Unaware of What Nazis Actually Did

GRAND FORKS, ND – Derrick Williams, a local man who deems himself a "Grammar Nazi," is seemingly unaware or at least very misinformed about what members of the Nazi party actually did. "I'm kind of a perfectionist," says Mr. Williams, referring to capitalization and punctuation, completely ignoring the actual Nazi definition of "perfection" (i.e. the complete dominance of the Aryan race and the utter eradication of the Jewish race). Mr. Williams explained that he strictly follows Strunk & White, the fathers of proper sentence structure, which he thinks puts him on par with the masses of people who followed Adolph Hitler into a World War that ultimately killed 60 million people. During the interview, it became clear that Mr. Williams has, in fact, heard of what the Nazi party represents—world domination, ethnic cleansing, war crimes—yet continues to use the term to describe his gently condescending and pretentious nature when it comes to correcting his friends' writing. When the discrepancy was pointed out, Mr. Williams said it was "just a joke" because he apparently also thinks the hate-filled National Socialism party of 1940s Germany is funny.

Don't get these guys started on an Oxford Comma

Pregnant Teenager Tries Abstinence

HOUSTON, TX – Shelly Foster, a sophomore at Aldine Senior High School who is currently five months pregnant, has decided to follow her teachers’ guidance and try abstinence in the hopes that it will end her pregnancy. “I’ve chosen to stop having sex with my long-time boyfriend Ricky,” explained the young lady of sixteen years in the school cafeteria. “According to everything I’ve learned, the baby should be gone in about a month.” Ricky told her that he’s read online that condoms and safe sex are a better alternative, but Miss Foster retorts that those options only prevent pregnancy, whereas abstinence is the best way to handle an unwanted pregnancy. “As a young girl living in Texas, abstinence is the only way to make this mistake go away. I mean it just makes sense—if you don’t have sex, you won’t be pregnant. It’s that easy.” From here on out, Shelly has vowed to resist the very natural urge and sexual curiosity of a hormonal teenager, which, according to her textbooks, should make the baby disappear until it’s mature enough to be a baby. Reporters asked Miss Foster if she’s considered abortion, but she said she’s never heard of it.

Only BJs till this thing goes away.

Syrian Boy Wants To Be a Fireman If He Grows Up

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Syrian boy Anay Khalid told his mother yesterday that he would like to be a fireman if he survives the civil war and gets to grow up. According to his mom, the 6-year old has always loved helping people, and barring an early death due to rebel cross fire or road side bombs, the young man wants to apply to the Damascus Fire Department and help those in need. "I really like the outfits," said the child who can only achieve his dream if he makes it to DFD’s minimum age of 18, which seems less likely with every passing day in the war torn country. Not only will Anay need to pass the department’s difficult entry exam and rigorous physical tests, he will need to refrain from joining the rebel and army recruiters, avoid any IEDs just lying on the busy streets, and stay away from any government buildings so as not to become collateral damage from U.S. drone attacks. "If I can do all that, then hopefully I can help save lives." Because of the recent chemical attacks ordered by President Bashar al-Assad, Anay's 10-year-old sister, who wanted to be a veterinarian, will not grow up.

Good luck, kid.

Office Gets To Talk About Jesus Today

NEW YORK, NY – With all of the Jewish employees taking work off to observe Rosh Hashanah on Thursday, all of the Christian workers at Kimball & Company are enjoying the freedom to kick back and openly talk about Jesus.  “We know that our Jewish co-workers don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, so out of respect we usually keep pretty hush-hush about all the Son of God talk when they’re here,” said VP of Sales Patrick Rodgers. “But every Jewish New Year we really let loose. We just sit in the office and chat about our Savior all day. It’s like Christmas in September.” Every year, the group of New Testament fans do something different to honor the Son conceived by the Holy Spirit. “In 2008, we just sat in a circle and talked about all the things we love about Jesus: the miracles, the wisdom, the endless love.” For this year’s celebration, the team plans on hosting a baptism of Executive Assistant Kelly Larkin’s newborn daughter in the CEO’s office—probably right on the Jewish executive’s desk. Baahir Amin, the newly hired analyst, will be joining in on the celebrations as he hasn't yet told anyone that he’s Muslim.

Finally, a day to freely talk about this Guy

Mother Earth Putting Us Up For Adoption

EARTH – Citing rampant pollution, never ending infighting, and continued wastefulness of her natural resources, Mother Earth made the very difficult decision on Tuesday to put all of us up for adoption. After giving a valiant effort for the past 100,000 years, she came to the realization that she just can’t handle our childish behavior anymore. “I think back to the time before I had all you humans,” Mother Earth recalled in an emotional press release, “and more, and more I look back on those quiet years with fondness.” She has been raising us as a single mom since God left Mother Earth in 1928. By herself, she was unable to stop us from causing the Great Depression, two World Wars, a holocaust, nuclear explosions, chemical warfare, and unbridled terrorism. On top of all that, Mother Earth said that we have left her “ransacked and barren” as we have “poked and prodded” her in our incessant, obsessive need for more energy resources despite the fact that her brother Sun is staring us all in the face. “I have tried to warn you with global warming and what I thought to be an obvious increase in natural disasters, but you all have done nothing to change your juvenile habits,” Mother Earth cried. She sent out a call to the rest of the universe in the hopes that someone else might be willing to take care of us. As of press time, no one has answered.

Go apologize to your Mother!

Everybody at Gym Proud of Fat Guy Exercising

DENVER, CO – In the local 24-Hour Fitness, everybody in the gym felt a small sense of pride when they saw area fat man Gary Pierce exercising. Anna Wright was on the treadmill when she saw the obese Mr. Pierce waddle over to the counter and check in. "I assumed he just joined because I haven't seen him here before, but it made me smile to see him giving exercise a shot." Mr. Pierce then shuffled over to the free weight area and attempted to bench press the 45 pound bar. "His form was terrible," said Andrew Clay, a local personal trainer. "But with a little help, he could really turn his body around. I'd be happy to offer him guidance with his weight loss goals. Stories like his can be so inspiring." "I'm just more impressed that he goes out in public, let alone a gym—in shorts," stated local underwear model Aaron James. "I wouldn't even leave my house if I looked like that. So, yeah, good for him." Mr. Pierce was also pretty proud of himself for his 20-minute attempt at working out and awarded himself with a milkshake on the way home.

Valiant effort

Pepsi to Sponsor Syrian Air Strikes

WASHINGTON, DC – To qualm citizens’ fears that the U.S. is looking to enter a drawn-out and very expensive bombing campaign that will likely cost the taxpayers millions if not billions of dollars, national security advisers announced that the pending air strike against Syria will be sponsored by Pepsi. “Look, we don’t have the money, or the political support,” said Secretary of State John Kerry in a statement on Friday, “and this lucrative deal with the All-American soda pop maker solves both those problems.” Pepsi-Cola CEO Indra Nooyi explained her reasoning, “First, we’re trying to maintain Pepsi as a global brand, and this relationship helps us grow our reach in the Middle East. Second, we know Syria is going to be all over the news for probably a very long time—these things rarely end quickly—and in our mind, no press is bad press.” “The best part,” continued Secretary Kerry, “is that it gives us an easy way out. If things are going great in Syria, everyone wins. But if things go badly, we can quickly and easily pull out saying that we lost our sponsorship dollars. The American public can definitely understand that kind of exit strategy.” Secretary Kerry said they are working with Subway to sponsor the imminent ground attack and Walmart to sponsor the eventual nation-building. 

Beyonce is already signed on for a USO tour

Pervert Baby Thinks About Boobs All Day

LOUISVILLE, KY – Area baby Aden Demos is a perverted little runt that thinks about nothing but boobs all day long. Ever since realizing that female, human breasts can provide him sustenance, the 2-month old deviant has not stopped dreaming and fantasizing about sucking on nipples for that delicious, nutritious milk. Reports state that while Aden prefers his mother Jocelyn Demos’ boobs, the tiny miscreant has noticed that all women have a pair that he wouldn't mind wrapping his arms around and having a go at. Just last week, the abhorrent baby was caught staring at a stranger’s rack for more than a moment as he imagined what her milk tasted like. This warped behavior by the diminutive lowlife is actually encouraged by the boy’s mother, the one person who is supposed to teach him about manners and common decency. Approximately five times a day, Aden will start crying, and without hesitation Mrs. Demos will whip out her tit and shove it directly into the creepy kid’s mouth. While it might be comforting to think that Aden will someday grow out of such vile behavior, reports show that Aden’s despicable father Brad Demos thinks about boobs all day too. 

Sick fuck

Op-Ed: "The Onion Makes Big Birthday Announcement"

The following was submitted by Daryl Quick, a recent graduate of the Kellogg School of Management.

America’s finest news source turned 25 today, and as such determined it was the best possible moment to announce a pay firewall. Founded by Tim Keck and Chris Johnson in Madison, Wisconsin in 1988 as a medium for distributing pizza coupons, the satirical newspaper’s digital edition had remained free up until today. Effective immediately, that will no longer be the case. 

After the celebratory podcast, the Lonely Petunia caught up with Keck and Johnson. Keck appreciated our concerns, but laid out his case for demanding pay for play.

“We looked at the WSJ, the Times, and the Post have done, and said, ‘Hey, our made-up news is as good as their made-up news.’  I got a call from Rupert Murdoch the other day, and he said ‘Tim, your imaginative adaptation of the truth and personal political views are too valuable to be given away for free.  You’re gonna (sic) ruin the whole market for the rest of us.”

Johnson was more conciliatory.

“We’re still going to offer the first month’s subscription for an introductory rate of $0.99 a month, on the off chance anyone hasn’t heard of us. For instance, your grandma might be curious. ‘After that, it’s $4.99 a month, paid automatically from your credit card 60 months at a time. We figure, that way, you won’t think to cancel. On the off chance you can’t afford $0.33 a day for to read utter nonsense, we recommend you ask your employers to reimburse your subscription. Before The Onion, companies had to provide copious amounts of bulk bottled water and free coffee to get you to spend this much time in the office not working. We think we provide an incredible value proposition.”

An anonymous source close to The Onion said that, like their traditional print news peers, The Onion’s pay firewall will be a “soft wall”.  The point is that The Onion can ill afford to lose readers, whose count determines their ad revenue.  “Look, this firewall is going to be for the suckers who will pay it.  Anyone who knows how to get to Google is going to be able to get around the damn thing.”

Let’s hope so.

This asshole thinks he's funny too

Study: 68% of MLK’s Dream Has Come True

WASHINGTON, DC – As laid out in a new study by the Dream Analysis Foundation (DAA), a field of scientists has discovered that approximately 68% of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech has come true. The report was conducted to commemorate the 50 year anniversary of when Mr. King relayed his dream to 250,000 civil rights supporters after the March on Washington on August 28^th, 1963. Analysts compared details of his dream to the current environment and found that a little more than two thirds of his predictions have come to fruition in the present day.

Dr. Jonathan Bunge and his team took an in-depth look at each prophecy. “For example,” explained Mr. Bunge, “African-Americans can gain lodging in the ‘motels of the highways and hotels of the city.’ And they’re no longer subjected to ‘For Whites Only’ signs. And sure, an African-American in Mississippi can vote, and we’re pretty sure an African-American in New York ‘believes he has something to vote for,’ especially in these last two elections. But has justice ‘rolled down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream’? Not according to our research, no.”

Some of the dream’s forecasts were a little more difficult to pin down from an analytical stand-point. MLK imagined that someday we all “will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.” And while many of those premonitions are technically true, the report points out the difficulties of deeming them realized. While blacks and whites do in fact “work together,” only 6 of the Fortune 500 CEOs are African-American; and while blacks and whites do “go to jail together,” a disproportionate majority of those inmates are “definitely black” according to the DAF’s press release.

The study’s findings have not come without controversy. Many white Americans were surprised that the 68% number was so low while many blacks felt it was far too high. “Didn’t he dream of a black president?” asked a 58-year old white male who asked to remain unnamed. “Obama. Boom. 100% done.” Meanwhile, 65-year old African-American Jeffry Jones said that while he has definitely seen progress over the past 50 years, he gets judged by the content of his character rather than the color of his skin only 42% of the time.

One of the report’s highlights was regarding children. During one of the team’s field studies, Dr. Bunge recalled seeing a group of “little black boys and black girls” holding hands with “little white boys and white girls” playing on an elementary school playground in a situation very similar to what Dr. King predicted. However, based on follow-up interviews, the children were simply good friends and not “sisters and brothers.” “And they’ weren't in Alabama. So, again, only partly true.”

“We did this study to find some concrete evidence on racism,” said Dr. Bunge. “America loves stats, and we felt this would be a great way to show how the country was doing with respect to the Reverend Martin Luther King’s very worthy vision of what American can be. And we’d like to say to the United States that based on our findings, no, you’re absolutely not failing. But you’re definitely getting a D.”

“Maybe a C- on a curve.”

Maybe he was 32% kidding?

Stripper Putting Herself through Ohio State

COLUMBUS, OH – A local stripper that goes by the name of Vixie uses all of her earnings and tips to pay for her tuition at Ohio State University—or “The Ohio State University” as she likes to say. Vixie dropped out of high school as a sophomore and quickly became an alcoholic and drug addict before Ohio State accepted her as a student. “During that very difficult time, no other single college institution in the country would accept me,” Ms. Vixie recalled. “But Ohio State welcomed me with open arms. They actually would have given me a scholarship, but because my mom was making $24K a year waiting at Fuddruckers, we were in the top 1% of earners within OSU’s freshman class, making me ineligible for any assistance.” After that, she got an idea from one of her fellow admits to start stripping at “The C-Bus G-Club,” the local strip joint in the middle of campus, to help pay for school. “My favorite thing about this place is the camaraderie. Every Saturday night all the girls, all students by the way, dance to Ohio State’s “Across the Field” fight song. Everyone—all the customers, bouncers, waitresses, and DJs—all of them go nuts because they’re all students or alumni of The Ohio State!” Vixie is looking forward to graduating and has plans to attend Michigan’s graduate school of business and strip at wol-V-erines. 

This is the result of bad parenting

TSA Agent Thinks You Should Get That Mole Checked Out

DALLAS / FORT WORTH, TX – Rookie TSA agent Aaron Knox just saw your body scanner results come through, and he wants to let you know that you should probably get that mole checked out. “I don’t mean to pry,” says the 20 year old Mr. Knox. “Usually I don’t do this. I stick to my job of checking out people’s high image body scans for weapons, bombs, and water bottles. But I just can’t let this one go.” He points to a picture of your naked body and draws a circle around a black dot just under your left nipple. “Right here. I didn’t see this last month when you came through on your way to New York. I’m no doctor, but I think you need to see a dermatologist or something.” He then offers a free random screening and feels for lumps on both of your breasts.  “Yup. As I expected. You should definitely see someone. These scanners produce a lot of radiation, and it’s best to be safe.” He then wishes you a safe flight and congratulates you on your new pregnancy.

Your husband should get his prostate checked too

Area Man Finishing Up Last of Family Time before Football Begins

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – With opening kick-off less than two weeks away, area man Bill Dwyer is finishing up all his family time before he turns his focus to football. “I made a commitment to get all my quality time with my family done early so I can concentrate on the 2013 NFL season,” said Mr. Dwyer as he held his young son in his arms for the last time for at least the next five months. The self-proclaimed “Super Fan” says that it goes beyond the three or four hour commitment to the Minnesota Vikings every week. “Look, I’m in two fantasy leagues, a pickem pool, and a survivor pool. It requires a lot of analysis, and I need to watch every game to make sure I stay on top of everything that’s going on.” Mr. Dwyer explained that he put in a lot of extra time this summer loving his wife and two children and deserves some months for himself. “I took my wife to a really nice dinner in July and went to the park like four times with the kids without her help. I was smart this year.” His wife Martha Dwyer is also finishing up her personal time with Bill so she can focus on the kids and Bill’s brother John.

You're welcome, son. Now, I'll see you in February.