Walmart Promotes Local Employee to Human Being

HARRISBURG, PA – Citing exceptional performance and a commitment to the company above and beyond the call of duty, Walmart promoted local employee James Tomlin to Human Being. “Over the course of the last 12 years,” announced Regional VP Gerald Northcott in a branch meeting, “James has been an exemplary Walmart employee, and I want to be the first to congratulate him on this landmark achievement in becoming a Human Being.” Mr. Northcott then shook Mr. Tomlin’s hand and commended him on his entry into the upper echelon of Walmart’s employee base. “Listen up! I want everyone to start treating James like the Human Being he now is!” exclaimed Mr. Northcott with his arm around the former Sub-Human Worker, joking that Mr. Tomlin shouldn’t let it all go to his head. Following the celebration, Mr. Tomlin was informed by corporate that the promotion is in name only, and while he will enjoy the new title of Human Being, he still won’t be paid like one.

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