BlackBerry to Be Sold on Antiques Roadshow

TORONTO – BlackBerry CEO Thorston Heins announced Monday that BlackBerry will be put up for sale on the Antiques Roadshow, the popular television show broadcast by PBS. Founded in 1999, the mobile phone manufacturer pioneered the smartphone market but has experienced difficulties as of late due to increased competition and touch screens. “We evaluated several options,” explained the visibly tired Mr. Heins, “and we feel that there is great potential within this company. We hope that the expert appraisers at the Antique Roadshow can find that value and make all our hard work worthwhile.” The producers at PBS are very excited at the proposition. “Never have we ever sold something on our show that became an antique so quickly,” said the PBS publicist Jenny Goldman. “Many of the pieces on our show took decades, if not centuries, to become the valuable antiques they are today. But it only took a few years for BlackBerry to become completely dated and irrelevant. We’re very thankful that they didn’t keep up with advancing technology, giving us this wonderful opportunity today.” Mrs. Goldman then announced to stay tuned for further Antiques Roadshow episodes that will include Dell, Nokia, and Groupon.

How far we've come...

Automatic Urinal Clearly Sees Man Still Peeing, Flushes Anyway

LANCASTER, PA – In a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom, Urinal #3 clearly saw that Aaron Ross was still peeing but decided to flush anyway, lightly splashing a mix of water and urine all over Mr. Ross’s freshly pressed khakis. “I just don’t get it,” said Mr. Ross. “I was obviously still relieving myself, but for some reason, the urinal wanted to flush. I tried to back away, but almost pissed all over my pants.” Urinal #3, made by American Standard, had no intention of waiting until Mr. Ross was done. “Look, I’ve seen that guy come in here before, and I don’t like him,” explained the disgruntled bathroom appliance. “He texts while he pees. I deserve more respect than that. Hopefully he learned his lesson and goes to Urinal #4 next time. Or goes and sits like the pansy he is.” Several minutes later Jerry Wright, #3’s favorite patron, came in to use the facilities, and #3 refused to flush because it wanted to “savor the moment just a little while longer.”

Treat this pisser with some respect, would ya?

Fatter, Whiter Tiger Woods Wins PGA Championship

ROCHESTER, NY – Sporting a much fatter and whiter look, Tiger Woods finally broke his major victory drought, which extended all the way back to the 2008 U.S. Open, with his win today at the PGA Championship. A chubbier and much more docile Tiger blasted a round of 63 on Friday, a PGA record, thrusting him into the lead. From there, the rotund, emotionless Mr. Woods was able to maintain his spot on the leaderboard and ultimately win over runner-up Jim Furyk. All weekend, Tiger resembled his former, pre-scandal self, at least in performance—in physical appearance, the 2013 Tiger looked nothing like the Tiger of 2008. “After the scandal, I just wanted to start anew,” said the 15-time major champion. “So I completely stopped working out and caring about what I ate. And my therapist has been helping me keep all my emotions bottled up inside. And I quit being black.” According to many sports analysts, the new, portly Tiger Woods has a bright future ahead of him, and some say he can make a flabby run at Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 championships. In the most surprising news, Elin Nordegren remarried the tubby Woods, changed her hair color, and now goes by the name of Amanda Dufner. 

Tiger Woods really let himself go

Wisconsin Looking to Lose Another Rose Bowl

MADISON, WI – With opening day of the 2013 college football season fast approaching, the football team at the University of Wisconsin - Madison has their sights set on making it to and then losing this year's Rose Bowl for the fourth straight time. The Badgers made NCAA history last year by losing their third consecutive Rose Bowl to Stanford 20-14. The team also lost to Oregon 45-38 in 2012 and TCU 21-19 in 2011. "We thought we weren't going to even have a chance to lose last year," said 2012 team captain and leading rusher Montee Ball. "We really didn't have that great of a season, but because Penn State and Ohio State were both ineligible, we were able to win the Big Ten Leaders division and then thankfully crush Nebraska in the Big Ten Championship game, giving us our shot at 0-3." Wisconsin was riding high after that win over Nebraska, however, and looked as though they could make it 1-2. “I just couldn’t let that happen,” said former coach Bret Bielema who deserted the team just a couple weeks prior to the big game, ensuring the team would get their third “L.” Athletic Director Barry Alvarez almost screwed up the team’s losing dreams with his experience and heart, but thankfully the Stanford defense was too much to handle. New coach Gary Andersen knows he has some big shoes to fill this year but is “very excited to march this team all the way to the Rose Bowl and lose so we can prove, once again, that we're still better than the rest of the Big Ten.”

They Spelled "L" Wrong

Area Homeless Man Avid Coin Collector

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area homeless man Alfred Brown has committed the last ten years of his life to collecting a remarkable coin collection simply by asking people on the street if they could give him their pocket change. His first collector’s item—a 1985 no mint mark Roosevelt dime, worth about $40—came to him by chance in 2003 from a Starbucks in San Diego. From there he was hooked. He started attending collector conventions and dealing on e-Bay, until one day he came to an epiphany. “I realized I could just ask people for their spare change! It’s only change; they won’t mind,” Alfred Brown explained as he described his plan for begging people on the street for money in the off chance that they didn’t know what kind of precious coins they had. However, this hobby soon turned into an obsession, and his street begging took all of his time. Alfred was fired from his advertising firm; he lost his house; and his wife left with his two children. He then moved to Philadelphia to be closer to the U.S. mint facility. At this point, Mr. Brown has amassed a coin collection worth $1.2 million, but his undying wish is to find the Holy Grail: a 1969-S Lincoln cent with a doubled die obverse, worth about $35,000. “If I find that, I can finally focus my attention on my second love: antique liquor bottles.”

Praying for a Buffalo Nickel

Smurfs Sue Blue Man Group

LOS ANGELES, CA – Citing intellectual property infringement and personal damages, the Smurfs filed a class action lawsuit against The Blue Man Group for $100 million. The lovable gang of miniature, blue misfits recently released Smurfs 2, which has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and has generated box office receipts $8 million below expectations through the first two weeks. “Smurfs 2 has an amazing script and was expertly directed,” read Papa Smurf at his tiny press conference podium. “Additionally, the American public loves sequels, especially sequels to children’s movies. Therefore, we believe the only reason for our hardship is the dilution of what we call ‘blue appeal’ brought on by The Blue Man Group. We were the originals.” Brainy Smurf presented all the calculations showing how The Blue Man Group stole the Smurfs’ identity and profited off the “novelty” of being blue, and Smurfette stood there and looked cute. In response, The Blue Man Group just stared awkwardly at the group of reporters before they banged on drums covered in paint and threw marshmallows into their mouths from an impressive distance. Included in the Smurfs’ lawsuit are the Na’vi from Pandora, the Hindu God Vishnu, and depression.

He has power of attorney

Scotti Madison: “I Didn't Use Steroids and Look How Great My Life Turned Out”

As a former Major League Baseball player, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need steroids to be successful, and I’m a perfect example. Just take a look at my illustrious career between 1985-1989 and you’ll see that performing enhancing drugs just aren't necessary to find success in this sport or in life.

In case you aren't already aware, my name is Charles Scott Madison, though my fans always called me Scotti. I played 71 games over five seasons with the Detroit Tigers, Kansas City Royals, and Cincinnati Reds. Three, that’s three, Major League Baseball teams wanted me on their roster over just five years—and all without the use of human growth hormones.

I remember that once in the locker room, a fellow player offered me a whole host of drugs that would help me in my career. He had lean mass builders, stimulants, blood boosters, and many different types of anabolic steroids. But I rejected every one of them. And then I went on to a career batting average of .163 with 11 RBIs and 1 home run, proving that you don’t need huge, medically enhanced arms to hit the ball out of the park—just some talent and a lot of hard work.

But my successes didn't end there. After my amazing career in the major leagues, I went on to join Aflac and professionally sell insurance for that prestigious institution. I was the number one salesman out of 60,000 Aflac agents. I won the Chairman Emeritus Award for my distinguished sales achievement, which is an award given only once a year. Thanks to Aflac, I was able to buy a beautiful three bedroom house in one of the best subdivisions in Pensacola, FL. And again, I did it all without the use of any kind of performance enhancing drugs. No adderall, cocaine, or even caffeine—I've been coffee free since 1992.

Most recently, I wrote a book called “Just a Phone Call Away: A Major Journey through the Minor Leagues.” It’s about the minor leagues and all the wonderful players and coaches who never cheated and only used their God-given gifts and never-ending dedication. Not a single one of them used any xenoandrogens, beta-2 agonists, or selective androgen receptor modulators, and many of them went on to have remarkable careers in the minor leagues. You've heard of many of them, I’m sure.

Knowing that success like mine can come without cheating, it’s a real shame to see someone like Alex Rodriguez who felt like he needed to stick chemicals in his arm in order to achieve his dreams. Sure, he has spent his entire career in the spotlight, becoming famous on an international level, dating super models and getting everything he ever wanted. And sure, he has a career batting average of .300 with 647 home runs and 1,950 RBIs. And sure he has made millions upon millions of dollars, and will continue to make millions of dollars even if he is officially convicted of using performing enhancing drugs. And he’ll probably get into the Hall of Fame eventually, once people forget the steroid thing. But he has lost his integrity, which is invaluable, if you ask me.

And I’m here to tell you that you can have an amazing life like mine if you don’t cheat and follow all the rules. It’s worth it.

It has to be.

This Omaha Royals baseball card with
my name on it is proof that success
can come naturally for some

For Bob, Unemployment Rate Remains at 100%

NEENAH, WI - The Labor Department released numbers today saying that the U.S. economy added 162,000 jobs in July and the unemployment rate dropped to 7.4%, but Bob Collins added 0 jobs in July and his unemployment rate remains at 100%. U.S. unemployment has fallen from a peak of 10% in October 2008; however, Bob’s unemployment rate has been 100% since he was laid off from the paper mill in December 2008. “I've been trying to increase my numbers, but there are just no jobs out there for me,” the depressed 41-year old said. “I don’t know any of those 162,000 people, but maybe if I find one, they can tell me how they did it.” In related news, the Case-Shiller 20-City Housing Index increased 2.45% last month, but Bob still lives with his mom.

His divorce rate is at 200%

Anthony Weiner Turns Out To Be Andy Kaufman

New York, NY – In the most elaborate hoax of his storied career, Andy Kaufman revealed himself to be the man behind Anthony Weiner, a character he just made up. The entertainer, thought to have died in 1984, pulled off his detailed Anthony Weiner mask yesterday during a press conference and just started laughing hysterically. “I got you!” he proclaimed. “I got you! I got you! I got you!” He then pointed and jumped around, giggling in the faces of each reporter. “How did you guys not see this?! A politician named ‘Weiner’ that shows his wiener to people on the internet?! I mean come ON!” Mr. Kaufman explained that he was originally going to end the joke there, because there was no way people would ever forgive this terrible character and give him another chance at a political career, “but sure enough, you guys welcomed him back.” The performance artist was actually a little disappointed in himself that he just did the same “dick on the internet thing” instead of thinking of something new for the second scandal, but it worked “like a charm.” Huma Abedin, Weiner’s wife, revealed herself to be Jerry “The King” Lawler. They both will be on Letterman tomorrow night.

No way Anthony Weiner is a real person

White Woman Segregates Her Groceries from Black Woman’s Groceries

ATLANTA, GA – In a move that harkens back to the days of Jim Crow, a white woman segregated her groceries from the groceries of a black woman standing behind her in the checkout line. Without any hesitation and completely devoid of emotion, the white woman callously placed a plastic rod between the two groups of food items, making sure that her own groceries could in no way mingle or integrate with those of her dark-skinned, fellow shopper. The white lady than purchased her items, never even once acknowledging the black lady behind her, who was just patiently waiting while, once again, a heartless white woman gets to go first.  The cashier, who has become so accustomed to this kind of behavior in the South, just scanned the white lady’s items and said nothing in the face of such terrible bigotry. Once the cashier was done with the transaction, and the white lady went back to her plantation, the clerk threw the plastic rod of segregation back into the queue to continue the vicious cycle of hatred.

Dr. Martin Luther King dreamed of something better