Walmart Promotes Local Employee to Human Being

HARRISBURG, PA – Citing exceptional performance and a commitment to the company above and beyond the call of duty, Walmart promoted local employee James Tomlin to Human Being. “Over the course of the last 12 years,” announced Regional VP Gerald Northcott in a branch meeting, “James has been an exemplary Walmart employee, and I want to be the first to congratulate him on this landmark achievement in becoming a Human Being.” Mr. Northcott then shook Mr. Tomlin’s hand and commended him on his entry into the upper echelon of Walmart’s employee base. “Listen up! I want everyone to start treating James like the Human Being he now is!” exclaimed Mr. Northcott with his arm around the former Sub-Human Worker, joking that Mr. Tomlin shouldn’t let it all go to his head. Following the celebration, Mr. Tomlin was informed by corporate that the promotion is in name only, and while he will enjoy the new title of Human Being, he still won’t be paid like one.

Welcome to the 1%

Packers Lobby to Play Vikings Every Week

GREEN BAY, WI – Following the Green Bay Packers’ 44-31 win over the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday Night Football, Coach Mike McCarthy made a formal request to commissioner Roger Goodell to play the Vikings every week for the rest of the season. “Given the proximity of the two teams, and considering Mr. Goodell’s concerns with player safety, we feel it would be in the best interest of the team to play the Vikings in a weekly match-up,” positioned Mr. McCarthy, noting that no one was injured or concussed in last night’s game. “We’ll even play in Minnesota for every game. Obviously, that’s not an issue.” The head coach also said that, if the proposal is unacceptable, they’d also consider playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or Jacksonville Jaguars. “Maybe even the Bears, because we understand how hard it is to travel when injured.” Following their week 8 loss, the Minnesota Vikings put in a request to Mr. Goodell for an 8-game season. 

Josh Freeman wouldn't even need to leave his bench. 

Local Gym Offers Fitness Death Camp

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Advertising innovative motivation techniques and superior results, Flagstaff Athletic Club has rolled out their new Fitness Death Camp as part of their fall schedule. In a statement released on its website, gym owner and CEO Eric Parker announced that the new exercise class uses the real-life, hard-hitting techniques utilized in death camps around the world in order to improve fitness and build strength for all enrollees.

Moving past the traditional military boot camps, which, according to resources have become rather passé among inner fitness circles, FAC spared no expense in hiring seasoned training professionals, many of whom have administered death camps in countries such as Venezuela, Nigeria, and Iraq, to name a few. One such personal trainer who goes by the name of Oleg appreciates the opportunity, saying, “It’s really nice to work in a challenging but safe environment. I get to do what I do best, but without all the guilt.”

The groundbreaking methods have already caught on among the early adopters at Flagstaff’s popular gym. “First, all trainers carry a rifle, which does wonders for your concentration,” relayed local college student Emily Wright who explained how her trainer Axel got her to sweat like she’s never sweat before. “But they really go the extra mile to burn those calories. For example, last week Axel grabbed my mom, who he had kidnapped the night before, and threatened to slit her throat if I don’t drop down and give him 20. Easiest push-ups I’ve ever done.”

Beyond traditional body-weight exercises, trainers have incorporated social tests, including a 40 mile team march through Arizona’s desert, stopping every 5 miles to crush rocks or dig ditches. “I would have never thought that manual labor could tone my traps and shoulders as much as it has,” praised one athlete while chained by the ankle to his fellow team members. “I’m definitely going to use that ‘Refer a Comrade’ deal they have going on.”

On top of the fitness regimen, the health club within FAC is offering meal plans that mimic the type of diet one would come to expect from a traditional death camp. For only an additional $150 a month, the club’s team of chefs will prepare, package, and ship a weekly package of muddy water, maggot infested bread crusts, and a fetid stew-like dish. “The low-carb, low-calorie, low-nutrition combination has been perfect for my weight-loss goals,” raved Jeremy Corbett, who has lost 15 pounds in his first week, due also in part to the fact that he barely sleeps each night as a result of class flashbacks. Lifting up his shirt to show his sculpted ribs, he smiled and said, “You can’t argue with results.”

Following the early success of the class, Mr. Parker said that there are already plans in place to create a permanent structure, complete with 10-foot cement walls, barbed wire, watch towers, and armed guards for those gym rats who really want to take their fitness to the next level. “Participants will check into the state-of-the-art workout facility with a stated set of fitness goals, be it weight loss or lean muscle build, and we promise that they won’t leave until those goals are met. That’s a guarantee.”

Coming soon to a gym near you.

Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped

LUXEMBOURG CITY, LUXEMBOURG – Following reports that the U.S. government might have tapped the cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Henri the Grand Duke of Luxembourg wants to know why, well, why his phone wasn't tapped. “Am I not good enough?!” exclaimed the Luxembourg head of state who also goes by the name Henri Albert Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume. “Luxembourg is a keystone in the European Union, bordering Belgium, France, and Germany! What, does the U.S. not think I know a thing or two about what’s going on in those countries? I’m in the loop.” The proud descendant of Jean Benoît Guillaume Robert Antoine Louis Marie Adolphe Marc d'Aviano pointed out that the Luxembourg army has over 900 trained civilians, and, in addition to being part of the EU, Luxembourg is a central member of NATO, the OECD, and the United Nations. “I mean, if I was Obama, I would want to know what I was saying. Perhaps I’m up to no good.” Following the interview, Henri, the first cousin of the current King of the Belgians by the way, was looking for Kim Jong Un’s phone number.

I get no respect, no respect. 

New Key & Peele Episode To Highlight Differences Between Black and White People

LOS ANGELES, CA – Diverging from its traditional slate of sketch and situational comedy, tonight’s episode of Key & Peele will make fun of the differences between black people and white people. “We wanted to try something totally new,” explained Keegan-Michael Key, who stars alongside Jordan Peele in the Comedy Central segment that airs Wednesdays at 9:30CT. The African-American comedians have noticed that their lives can sometimes deviate from those of their white counterparts. “We talk differently; we behave differently; and we have very different cultures. We feel that it would be amusing to emphasize those disparities in a comedic fashion.” “But it’s more than that,” Mr. Peele added. “Throughout history, whites and blacks have had their challenges, and we both believe that making light of those variances might create a catharsis, if you will, by allowing people to laugh at and yet celebrate their very diverse backgrounds. As far as we know, it’s never been done before.” Following the groundbreaking episode, Comedy Central will air a brand new Daily Show that will feature Jon Stewart humiliating Fox News.

They might show how men and women are different too. 

Food Truck Operator Yelling Something About Food

CHICAGO, IL – Several sources confirmed this afternoon that a local food truck operator was yelling something about food. Parked on the corner of Franklin and Jackson near the Willis Tower, a man standing inside a 1985 Avostar retrofitted to prepare food was hollering at passersby various things about food and food related items. “I’m fairly certain he was screaming about food,” conjectured one pedestrian who walked by the truck labeled “Schnitzel” on his way to a Jimmy John’s about a block away. “I think he was shouting at people descriptions of food and prices of food. If I had to guess, I’d say he was trying to sell food directly from his truck to people on the street. But I could be wrong.” Eye witnesses verified that the truck-based vendor—who carries a city-issued permit to advertise and market his food—had examples of food on display for people to look at in case they wanted to purchase and then eat the food. One patron was seen consuming the food from the truck and agreed with the street chef that it was “pretty good.” At press time, another truck pulled up to apparently compete by selling a different kind of food. 

Hot sustenance here! Get your hot sustenance here!

Area Woman Loves Middle Husband the Most

IRVINE, CA – After claiming that it’s really impossible to choose a favorite, thrice divorced Sharon Pierce said that if she had to choose she’d probably say that she loves her middle husband Mitch Woodson the most. “I mean, everyone remembers their first. It’s the oldest marriage and really paves the way for the rest of them,” said Ms. Pierce, reflecting on how young she was when she first married Jay Kilborn 32 years ago and how they really had no idea what they were doing, adding “it was just so exciting.” “I like to think of my third marriage to Brad (Tiller) as the baby of the three. It was such a sweet and loving marriage,” said the 54-year old woman about her most recent marriage that lasted seven years. “But Mitch was something special—our marriage was a roller coaster of emotions,” ruminated Ms. Pierce, echoing the sentiment of many people with middle marriages. “Looking back, I kind of neglected Mitch and took him for granted. Feeling like he was always in Jay’s shadow and knowing that there was probably another marriage on the way, all he really wanted was some attention.” Ms. Pierce added that while she loves Mitch the most, she absolutely hates all of her ex-husbands equally.

Wait til she meets #4.

Novo Nordisk Launches Fun Size Insulin Pen

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk launched sales of its new line of “Fun Size” insulin pens. Lars Sorensen, CEO of the medical equipment manufacturer famous for its diabetes treatments, held a press conference today announcing the innovative product that should hit shelves prior to Halloween. “We noticed two major trends in the United States,” said the visionary executive through a translator. “First, early onset diabetes is rapidly increasing among American children. And second, they’re incredibly depressed. The new Fun Size Insulin Pens by Novo Nordisk will address both these issues.” The miniature pens, offered in packs of 6 or 12, will feature exciting colors and easy to grip cushions for the children’s “tiny and/or chubby fingers.” “In the short term, we hope to see the pens passed out to Trick-or-Treaters to help kids break down all those pesky sugars. And in the long term, we’re looking to see a Fun Size Insulin Pen in every Lunchable and Happy Meal across the country. Our mission to the nation’s children is to make diabetes fun.” Next month, Nova Nordisk hopes to launch their new King Size Insulin Pen.

Russell is in line to be the primary spokesman

Obama Hires Congress Whisperer

WASHINGTON, DC – In a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona. “I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was forced to bring in the parliamentary coach known worldwide for his unorthodox, if sometimes controversial, teaching methods. “He’s the best.” Mr. Cardona’s legend dates back to the government shut down of 1995, when he used hard looks, neck nips, and stern caressing to bring then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to the negotiating table. Since then, he’s traveled the world to end disagreements with troublesome officials—most recently, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel called upon Mr. Cardona to deal with the combative bureaucrats of the European Union. “In the end,” Mr. Cardona has said, “you must recognize that these elected officials want to be good and crave our love and approval. But they need to know that the best way to achieve that is doing what we ask.” Mr. Cardona was last seen petting Speaker of the House John Boehner behind the ear after the U.S. Representative ignored a Tea Party constituent for the first time. “Good Speaker.”

Tough love is all you need

Intern Thinks He’s Leaving at 5

PHOENIX, AZ – An intern at Forward Capital Partners is currently operating under the assumption that he’s going to leave the office at 5:00PM this evening. Michael Shear, a senior at Arizona State working towards his finance degree, came into the office this morning about an hour earlier than normal determined to work efficiently and effectively in order to have all his work done by 5:00PM, giving him the chance to head out early and take his girlfriend Kelly out on a date. “I made reservations for 6:00PM to her favorite Italian restaurant,” said the hopeful part-timer. “I figure we can get there early, have some drinks. Then dinner. And then go see Gravity in IMAX tonight at 7:30. I already bought the tickets.” Mr. Shear skipped his normal lunch break and avoided ESPN and any other internet distractions throughout the entire day. At 4:35PM he was seen cleaning out his in-box and making sure there were no loose ends so he could have a clear and enjoyable evening with Kelly. Final reports showed that at 4:58PM, team leader Joe Drape came over to talk to Michael and that, yeah, he’s not going anywhere.

Where do you think you're going?

Congress Raises National Glass Ceiling

WASHINGTON, DC – Responding to the nation’s cries for improving the way of life for women and minorities, Congressional leaders finally came together and raised the national glass ceiling. “For too long, our country’s women and minorities have been paralyzed by an unseen, yet unbreakable barrier that has kept them out of the upper rungs of corporate and governmental leadership, which is why we’re happy to announce that we have come together and raised it just a little bit,” said Representative John Boehner in front a hand selected group of women, African-Americans, Latinos, and Asian-Americans. “Congressional members reached across the aisle this week and came to a consensus that this metaphorical ceiling was crippling American development and creating needless political theater.” The House and Senate passed a bill that will raise the national glass ceiling for the next six months, after which they will reconvene and address the scheduled glass ceiling deadline once more. “We’re confident this short-term fix will lead to a longer term solution. Until then, our women and minorities have a little more room to advance their careers.” When asked if it’s possible that the country could just remove the glass ceiling altogether, Mr. Boehner replied, “We’re looking into it.”

You're welcome.

Plus Size Model Doubles As Before Picture Model

LOS ANGELES, CA – Living a double life, Sharon Frost works as a plus size model, reminding women and girls everywhere that they are beautiful human beings and should value their bodies no matter what they look like, and as a “Before Picture” model to remind all women and girls that they are disgusting creatures who can turn themselves into something worth looking at if they would just buy the promoted product. Mrs. Frost knew she was destined for this dual role when she was a lovely, chubby 8-year-old girl. “I remember looking in the mirror and being totally confused as to whether I should be proud of myself or absolutely revolted by my plump physical appearance. I knew then that I was fated to boost women’s confidence and scare them into buying beauty products.” Last week, the 180lb 5’4” woman modeled for a Dove “Real Beauty” commercial, which promotes inner beauty and a message that all women should love the body they’re in. Mrs. Frost then went and took a picture in a bikini, which will be used to show a revolting, horrifying example of what consumers could leave behind if they buy Dr. Oz’s Diet Pills. Mrs. Frost has a 10-year-old daughter who was last seen eating ice cream and crying. 

Beauty is so confusing

Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant infighting and addiction to accomplishing absolutely nothing. “There are kids getting neglected food and cancer treatment and government workers being denied pay because these ‘leaders’ are trying to stop a bill that was passed three years ago.” Frank Bensinger, a registered Republican, said, “Look, I’m all for smaller government and individual liberty, but not at the cost of holding the American people hostage. That’s not in the constitution.” Mr. Collins and Mr. Bensinger then agreed, like all Americans tired of their representatives, that it’s probably better to run this country with a simple children’s game than with the people they’ve elected to run things. Heeding the nation’s call to do away with political bickering, Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner squared off in a match in which Mr. Reid’s paper covered Mr. Boehner’s rock, thereby restarting the government and funding the Affordable Care Act. At press time, Mr. Boehner was demanding to make it a best 2 out of 3.

Checks and balances

U.S. Government Expected To Be #1 Halloween Costume This Year

Time magazine released a report today that the U.S. Government is expected to be the #1 Halloween costume for 2013. Kids all over the nation are excited to put on their best Congress, President, and Government Worker costumes come October 31st. What on earth will this look like?! Here are some pictures of what to expect this Halloween. 

Here's the U.S. Government in front of
Mrs. Robinson's house. 

Look at all the Nonessential Government Workers
posing in front of this house on Elm St. How CUTE!

Congress had no idea what to expect from the Aaronson
Family. But they're all smiles here!

This little President Obama just loved
getting THREE Reese's cups!

No one was home, but that's not going to stop this
National Park Operator from trying to get some candy.

Tiny Representative Boehner didn't mind getting
a popcorn ball. He LOVES popcorn balls!

Luckily the Albertson family left a candy dish
around back for all these Furloughed Employees.

Here's all of Congress doing what they do best.

Warm Toilet Seat Reminds Gary Roth We’re All in This Together

SACRAMENTO, CA – Sitting down on a still warm toilet seat in his office bathroom, Gary Roth came to the realization that, really, we’re all in this together. Gary entered the bathroom just as his fellow co-worker Bill Kaster left the non-handicapped stall, and the pair gave a friendly nod before Gary took Bill’s place on the porcelain throne. “When I sat down, and felt the warm glow left by Bill’s butt cheeks against my own skin, it just suddenly hit me: we’re all riding this crazy thing called ‘life’ together.” Gary explained how feeling the heat generated by another man’s ass helped him put his life and his entire existence into a better perspective. “Throw out all the titles; get rid of all the societal pressure; and strip away all the foolishness of our seemingly meaningless existence and you’ll see that we’re really just a bunch of lost souls looking for a peaceful place to take a shit.” Without realizing it, Gary left a dribble of urine on the toilet seat to remind his other co-worker Aaron Shear that some people are fucking rude. 

What a shitty revelation