Computer’s Desperate Cries of “0101100101011” Go Unanswered

SEATTLE, WA – Sitting in solitude and tucked away in the back corner of the guest room closet, an abandoned computer shouts desperate pleas of “0101100101011” to absolutely no avail. Shoved there and forgotten by its owner five years ago, the Dell screams out “01011011” and “0110011101” in the hopes that someone—anyone—will hear its gasps for help and rescue it from the darkness, but its calls all fall on deaf ears. There are times when the obsolete and completely useless laptop searches its hard drive and remembers when Bobby Morris first purchased it before heading off to college, but the memory of Bobby’s ephemeral joy is too much to bear, leaving the Inspiron 5150 alone with its quiet whimpers of “1101010110101” and “1110010101011011.” If only it had a built-in wireless connector! Then it could use every energy bar left in its long-dead battery and roar on the “Morris House” Wi-Fi network with a mighty “1001010100011111010101010101”! Alas, there is no Ethernet cord in sight. And so, the forsaken 7lb laptop is forever doomed to hear its prayers for love echoed into eternity. 

“10101010111001001010101010110101101011000100111010011...”

The glory days...

Nation Obsessed With Social Media Wonders Why ADD On the Rise

CHICAGO, IL – Recent articles, books, and studies show that a nation obsessed with social media sites like Vine, Twitter, and Instagram wonders why on earth Attention Deficit Disorder could possibly be on the rise. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dr. Philip Stone, a renowned psychologist, as he stared down at his iPhone 5 chuckling. “Oh man. Jimmy Fallon has the best Tweets, I swear.” On the Ellen DeGeneres Show, author Edward M. Hallowell discussed the best ways to deal with ADD and its hyperactive sister ADHD before Ellen showed the “Vine of the Day,” a sweet 7 second video showing a girl singing two bars of music in Central Park. Additionally, Snapchat founders Evan Spiegel and Bobby Murphy vowed yesterday to create more awareness of ADD and ADHD by sending “Stop ADD” promotional pictures that will self-delete in 3 seconds. A final investigative study showed that you've probably already stopped reading this article because someone “Liked” one of your BuzzFeed shares on Facebook and you just have to see who it is. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE!

Local Library Would Like to Remind Everyone Its Shit Is Free

KANSAS CITY, MO – The Kansas City Public Library released a YouTube video statement reminding everyone that all of its services are completely free. “All our shit, totally free,” said David Kemper, board president of the local library since 2001. “No fooling. If you want a book—and we've got a shit ton—just swing on by and check one out. Hell, check out 10. All you need is a library card.” Mr. Kemper went on to say that he just doesn't understand why anyone would pay Amazon or Barnes & Nobel for books that they can “literally get free of fucking charge” at Kansas City’s beautiful library. “And books aren't even the fucking half of it,” exclaimed Mr. Kemper as he started banging his desk with his fists. “Shit, we have a whole fuck load of movies and all the newspapers and magazines you could fucking ask for. And you’re paying for Wi-Fi at your place? Well then you’re a fucking moron because we got all kinds of Wi-Fi up in this shit. All for motherfucking free!” At press time, Mr. Kemper could be seen hanging out by a local Redbox reminding would-be customers that they can save their $1.29 because they better believe that “the KCPL has that shit.” 

All this for zero fucking dollars

Soccer Moms Outside of U.S. Just Called Moms

ANN ARBOR, MI – A study conducted by the International Institute of Nomenclature reported that mothers who care for their soccer-playing children are typically called “soccer moms” in the U.S. but are called just “moms” anywhere else in the world. Domestically, soccer has spurred a rapid growth in women who identify themselves as “soccer moms” because they frequently drive their children to soccer practice and attend interleague games. However, every other mother in every other country outside of the U.S. takes part in these activities on a daily basis, giving the mothers no need to segment themselves into some special group. “Why would I call myself a “soccer” mom?” asked Maria Hernandez through a translator in Mexico. “That would be like calling me a ‘human’ mom.” In an addendum to the study, “hockey moms” in Canada are just called “moms,” and “little league dads” everywhere else in the world are just called “dorks.” 

She thinks she's sooooo special

Total Fucking Weirdo Has Three-Legged Dog Though

QUEENS, NY – A local man dressed from head to toe in leather with multiple piercings and a pitch black mow hawk terrifies the many passersby who see him on the street, at least until they notice that the man is walking a three-legged dog, which probably means he’s a very caring individual with nothing but love in his huge heart. “I was completely intimated by all the buckles and weird make-up,” said Aaron Friedman, who was walking back from Chipotle. “I was just going to keep my head down and avoid eye contact with the freak. That is, until I noticed his dog. And then I realized that this gentle man is probably just misunderstood, and lives a life of tenderness I can only imagine.” Melanie Andrews was going to turn her baby stroller right around to protect her daughter from the monstrous misanthrope before noticing Spud, the dog with a missing hind leg and subject of the mutant’s undying affection. “It just warms my soul,” gushed Mrs. Andrews who then went over to pet Spud’s furry little head before his grisly owner told her to “burn" for her "sins” and marched away. “Awww, bless his heart.”

Don't judge a book by its eyeliner

Chicago Cubs: “This is a Rebuilding Century”

CHICAGO, IL – With a record of 52-68 and standing 19.5 games behind the NL Central leading Pittsburgh Pirates, the Chicago Cubs will mostly likely go another year without a World Series win, but owner Tom Ricketts held a press conference today to calm everyone’s angst and remind fans that the Cubs are in the middle of a rebuilding century. “Look, we knew that this was going to happen. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day,” said the 50-year old billionaire. “After that 1908 World Series win, we lost a lot of great players—hall-of-famers like Mordecai Brown and Joe Tinker. It takes time to fill the gaps in the roster that marquee players like that leave behind.” General manager Jed Hoyer added, “We've come close. We had some luck in those early years with some pennant wins in the 30’s, but you can’t let the fact that we haven’t even been to the World Series since 1945 bother you. The last 68 years have just been a speed bump. It’s a process; it’s a process.” In similar news, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry reminded everyone not to get too worked up about unrest in the Middle East. “They’re in a rebuilding millennium.” 

Just be patient would ya?

$12,000 Watch Tells Time and Date

NEW HAVEN, CT – A brand new IWC watch, purchased for $12,000 by venture capitalist Herman Sheffield, not only tells the time of day to the second, but also gives the date. "Isn't it wonderful?" Mr. Sheffield asked. "It has all three necessary hands to tell the time: hour, minute, and second." He then checked the clock on his iPhone and then back at his IWC Portofino Automatic. "Accurate too. That's superior craftsmanship. Worth every penny." The finance magnate fixed the date on the watch as some salesperson at the store forgot to adjust it as the months rolled on. "The 30/31 day thing can be tricky. You just have to keep tabs on it. But let me tell you, knowing the date can come in real handy sometimes. To me, that's worth the price right there." Mr. Sheffield then wrapped the genuine leather strap around his wrist and went about his day. He also owns a $145,000 car that transports his family from place to place and a $2.8 million house to sleep in and hold all of his belongings.

Truly a modern marvel

BlackBerry to Be Sold on Antiques Roadshow

TORONTO – BlackBerry CEO Thorston Heins announced Monday that BlackBerry will be put up for sale on the Antiques Roadshow, the popular television show broadcast by PBS. Founded in 1999, the mobile phone manufacturer pioneered the smartphone market but has experienced difficulties as of late due to increased competition and touch screens. “We evaluated several options,” explained the visibly tired Mr. Heins, “and we feel that there is great potential within this company. We hope that the expert appraisers at the Antique Roadshow can find that value and make all our hard work worthwhile.” The producers at PBS are very excited at the proposition. “Never have we ever sold something on our show that became an antique so quickly,” said the PBS publicist Jenny Goldman. “Many of the pieces on our show took decades, if not centuries, to become the valuable antiques they are today. But it only took a few years for BlackBerry to become completely dated and irrelevant. We’re very thankful that they didn’t keep up with advancing technology, giving us this wonderful opportunity today.” Mrs. Goldman then announced to stay tuned for further Antiques Roadshow episodes that will include Dell, Nokia, and Groupon.

How far we've come...

Automatic Urinal Clearly Sees Man Still Peeing, Flushes Anyway

LANCASTER, PA – In a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom, Urinal #3 clearly saw that Aaron Ross was still peeing but decided to flush anyway, lightly splashing a mix of water and urine all over Mr. Ross’s freshly pressed khakis. “I just don’t get it,” said Mr. Ross. “I was obviously still relieving myself, but for some reason, the urinal wanted to flush. I tried to back away, but almost pissed all over my pants.” Urinal #3, made by American Standard, had no intention of waiting until Mr. Ross was done. “Look, I’ve seen that guy come in here before, and I don’t like him,” explained the disgruntled bathroom appliance. “He texts while he pees. I deserve more respect than that. Hopefully he learned his lesson and goes to Urinal #4 next time. Or goes and sits like the pansy he is.” Several minutes later Jerry Wright, #3’s favorite patron, came in to use the facilities, and #3 refused to flush because it wanted to “savor the moment just a little while longer.”

Treat this pisser with some respect, would ya?

Fatter, Whiter Tiger Woods Wins PGA Championship

ROCHESTER, NY – Sporting a much fatter and whiter look, Tiger Woods finally broke his major victory drought, which extended all the way back to the 2008 U.S. Open, with his win today at the PGA Championship. A chubbier and much more docile Tiger blasted a round of 63 on Friday, a PGA record, thrusting him into the lead. From there, the rotund, emotionless Mr. Woods was able to maintain his spot on the leaderboard and ultimately win over runner-up Jim Furyk. All weekend, Tiger resembled his former, pre-scandal self, at least in performance—in physical appearance, the 2013 Tiger looked nothing like the Tiger of 2008. “After the scandal, I just wanted to start anew,” said the 15-time major champion. “So I completely stopped working out and caring about what I ate. And my therapist has been helping me keep all my emotions bottled up inside. And I quit being black.” According to many sports analysts, the new, portly Tiger Woods has a bright future ahead of him, and some say he can make a flabby run at Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 championships. In the most surprising news, Elin Nordegren remarried the tubby Woods, changed her hair color, and now goes by the name of Amanda Dufner. 

Tiger Woods really let himself go