Pepsi to Sponsor Syrian Air Strikes

WASHINGTON, DC – To qualm citizens’ fears that the U.S. is looking to enter a drawn-out and very expensive bombing campaign that will likely cost the taxpayers millions if not billions of dollars, national security advisers announced that the pending air strike against Syria will be sponsored by Pepsi. “Look, we don’t have the money, or the political support,” said Secretary of State John Kerry in a statement on Friday, “and this lucrative deal with the All-American soda pop maker solves both those problems.” Pepsi-Cola CEO Indra Nooyi explained her reasoning, “First, we’re trying to maintain Pepsi as a global brand, and this relationship helps us grow our reach in the Middle East. Second, we know Syria is going to be all over the news for probably a very long time—these things rarely end quickly—and in our mind, no press is bad press.” “The best part,” continued Secretary Kerry, “is that it gives us an easy way out. If things are going great in Syria, everyone wins. But if things go badly, we can quickly and easily pull out saying that we lost our sponsorship dollars. The American public can definitely understand that kind of exit strategy.” Secretary Kerry said they are working with Subway to sponsor the imminent ground attack and Walmart to sponsor the eventual nation-building. 

Beyonce is already signed on for a USO tour

Pervert Baby Thinks About Boobs All Day

LOUISVILLE, KY – Area baby Aden Demos is a perverted little runt that thinks about nothing but boobs all day long. Ever since realizing that female, human breasts can provide him sustenance, the 2-month old deviant has not stopped dreaming and fantasizing about sucking on nipples for that delicious, nutritious milk. Reports state that while Aden prefers his mother Jocelyn Demos’ boobs, the tiny miscreant has noticed that all women have a pair that he wouldn't mind wrapping his arms around and having a go at. Just last week, the abhorrent baby was caught staring at a stranger’s rack for more than a moment as he imagined what her milk tasted like. This warped behavior by the diminutive lowlife is actually encouraged by the boy’s mother, the one person who is supposed to teach him about manners and common decency. Approximately five times a day, Aden will start crying, and without hesitation Mrs. Demos will whip out her tit and shove it directly into the creepy kid’s mouth. While it might be comforting to think that Aden will someday grow out of such vile behavior, reports show that Aden’s despicable father Brad Demos thinks about boobs all day too. 

Sick fuck

Op-Ed: "The Onion Makes Big Birthday Announcement"

The following was submitted by Daryl Quick, a recent graduate of the Kellogg School of Management.

America’s finest news source turned 25 today, and as such determined it was the best possible moment to announce a pay firewall. Founded by Tim Keck and Chris Johnson in Madison, Wisconsin in 1988 as a medium for distributing pizza coupons, the satirical newspaper’s digital edition had remained free up until today. Effective immediately, that will no longer be the case. 

After the celebratory podcast, the Lonely Petunia caught up with Keck and Johnson. Keck appreciated our concerns, but laid out his case for demanding pay for play.

“We looked at the WSJ, the Times, and the Post have done, and said, ‘Hey, our made-up news is as good as their made-up news.’  I got a call from Rupert Murdoch the other day, and he said ‘Tim, your imaginative adaptation of the truth and personal political views are too valuable to be given away for free.  You’re gonna (sic) ruin the whole market for the rest of us.”

Johnson was more conciliatory.

“We’re still going to offer the first month’s subscription for an introductory rate of $0.99 a month, on the off chance anyone hasn’t heard of us. For instance, your grandma might be curious. ‘After that, it’s $4.99 a month, paid automatically from your credit card 60 months at a time. We figure, that way, you won’t think to cancel. On the off chance you can’t afford $0.33 a day for to read utter nonsense, we recommend you ask your employers to reimburse your subscription. Before The Onion, companies had to provide copious amounts of bulk bottled water and free coffee to get you to spend this much time in the office not working. We think we provide an incredible value proposition.”

An anonymous source close to The Onion said that, like their traditional print news peers, The Onion’s pay firewall will be a “soft wall”.  The point is that The Onion can ill afford to lose readers, whose count determines their ad revenue.  “Look, this firewall is going to be for the suckers who will pay it.  Anyone who knows how to get to Google is going to be able to get around the damn thing.”

Let’s hope so.

This asshole thinks he's funny too

Study: 68% of MLK’s Dream Has Come True

WASHINGTON, DC – As laid out in a new study by the Dream Analysis Foundation (DAA), a field of scientists has discovered that approximately 68% of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech has come true. The report was conducted to commemorate the 50 year anniversary of when Mr. King relayed his dream to 250,000 civil rights supporters after the March on Washington on August 28^th, 1963. Analysts compared details of his dream to the current environment and found that a little more than two thirds of his predictions have come to fruition in the present day.

Dr. Jonathan Bunge and his team took an in-depth look at each prophecy. “For example,” explained Mr. Bunge, “African-Americans can gain lodging in the ‘motels of the highways and hotels of the city.’ And they’re no longer subjected to ‘For Whites Only’ signs. And sure, an African-American in Mississippi can vote, and we’re pretty sure an African-American in New York ‘believes he has something to vote for,’ especially in these last two elections. But has justice ‘rolled down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream’? Not according to our research, no.”

Some of the dream’s forecasts were a little more difficult to pin down from an analytical stand-point. MLK imagined that someday we all “will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.” And while many of those premonitions are technically true, the report points out the difficulties of deeming them realized. While blacks and whites do in fact “work together,” only 6 of the Fortune 500 CEOs are African-American; and while blacks and whites do “go to jail together,” a disproportionate majority of those inmates are “definitely black” according to the DAF’s press release.

The study’s findings have not come without controversy. Many white Americans were surprised that the 68% number was so low while many blacks felt it was far too high. “Didn’t he dream of a black president?” asked a 58-year old white male who asked to remain unnamed. “Obama. Boom. 100% done.” Meanwhile, 65-year old African-American Jeffry Jones said that while he has definitely seen progress over the past 50 years, he gets judged by the content of his character rather than the color of his skin only 42% of the time.

One of the report’s highlights was regarding children. During one of the team’s field studies, Dr. Bunge recalled seeing a group of “little black boys and black girls” holding hands with “little white boys and white girls” playing on an elementary school playground in a situation very similar to what Dr. King predicted. However, based on follow-up interviews, the children were simply good friends and not “sisters and brothers.” “And they’ weren't in Alabama. So, again, only partly true.”

“We did this study to find some concrete evidence on racism,” said Dr. Bunge. “America loves stats, and we felt this would be a great way to show how the country was doing with respect to the Reverend Martin Luther King’s very worthy vision of what American can be. And we’d like to say to the United States that based on our findings, no, you’re absolutely not failing. But you’re definitely getting a D.”

“Maybe a C- on a curve.”

Maybe he was 32% kidding?

Stripper Putting Herself through Ohio State

COLUMBUS, OH – A local stripper that goes by the name of Vixie uses all of her earnings and tips to pay for her tuition at Ohio State University—or “The Ohio State University” as she likes to say. Vixie dropped out of high school as a sophomore and quickly became an alcoholic and drug addict before Ohio State accepted her as a student. “During that very difficult time, no other single college institution in the country would accept me,” Ms. Vixie recalled. “But Ohio State welcomed me with open arms. They actually would have given me a scholarship, but because my mom was making $24K a year waiting at Fuddruckers, we were in the top 1% of earners within OSU’s freshman class, making me ineligible for any assistance.” After that, she got an idea from one of her fellow admits to start stripping at “The C-Bus G-Club,” the local strip joint in the middle of campus, to help pay for school. “My favorite thing about this place is the camaraderie. Every Saturday night all the girls, all students by the way, dance to Ohio State’s “Across the Field” fight song. Everyone—all the customers, bouncers, waitresses, and DJs—all of them go nuts because they’re all students or alumni of The Ohio State!” Vixie is looking forward to graduating and has plans to attend Michigan’s graduate school of business and strip at wol-V-erines. 

This is the result of bad parenting

TSA Agent Thinks You Should Get That Mole Checked Out

DALLAS / FORT WORTH, TX – Rookie TSA agent Aaron Knox just saw your body scanner results come through, and he wants to let you know that you should probably get that mole checked out. “I don’t mean to pry,” says the 20 year old Mr. Knox. “Usually I don’t do this. I stick to my job of checking out people’s high image body scans for weapons, bombs, and water bottles. But I just can’t let this one go.” He points to a picture of your naked body and draws a circle around a black dot just under your left nipple. “Right here. I didn’t see this last month when you came through on your way to New York. I’m no doctor, but I think you need to see a dermatologist or something.” He then offers a free random screening and feels for lumps on both of your breasts.  “Yup. As I expected. You should definitely see someone. These scanners produce a lot of radiation, and it’s best to be safe.” He then wishes you a safe flight and congratulates you on your new pregnancy.

Your husband should get his prostate checked too

Area Man Finishing Up Last of Family Time before Football Begins

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – With opening kick-off less than two weeks away, area man Bill Dwyer is finishing up all his family time before he turns his focus to football. “I made a commitment to get all my quality time with my family done early so I can concentrate on the 2013 NFL season,” said Mr. Dwyer as he held his young son in his arms for the last time for at least the next five months. The self-proclaimed “Super Fan” says that it goes beyond the three or four hour commitment to the Minnesota Vikings every week. “Look, I’m in two fantasy leagues, a pickem pool, and a survivor pool. It requires a lot of analysis, and I need to watch every game to make sure I stay on top of everything that’s going on.” Mr. Dwyer explained that he put in a lot of extra time this summer loving his wife and two children and deserves some months for himself. “I took my wife to a really nice dinner in July and went to the park like four times with the kids without her help. I was smart this year.” His wife Martha Dwyer is also finishing up her personal time with Bill so she can focus on the kids and Bill’s brother John.

You're welcome, son. Now, I'll see you in February.

Computer’s Desperate Cries of “0101100101011” Go Unanswered

SEATTLE, WA – Sitting in solitude and tucked away in the back corner of the guest room closet, an abandoned computer shouts desperate pleas of “0101100101011” to absolutely no avail. Shoved there and forgotten by its owner five years ago, the Dell screams out “01011011” and “0110011101” in the hopes that someone—anyone—will hear its gasps for help and rescue it from the darkness, but its calls all fall on deaf ears. There are times when the obsolete and completely useless laptop searches its hard drive and remembers when Bobby Morris first purchased it before heading off to college, but the memory of Bobby’s ephemeral joy is too much to bear, leaving the Inspiron 5150 alone with its quiet whimpers of “1101010110101” and “1110010101011011.” If only it had a built-in wireless connector! Then it could use every energy bar left in its long-dead battery and roar on the “Morris House” Wi-Fi network with a mighty “1001010100011111010101010101”! Alas, there is no Ethernet cord in sight. And so, the forsaken 7lb laptop is forever doomed to hear its prayers for love echoed into eternity. 

“10101010111001001010101010110101101011000100111010011...”

The glory days...

Nation Obsessed With Social Media Wonders Why ADD On the Rise

CHICAGO, IL – Recent articles, books, and studies show that a nation obsessed with social media sites like Vine, Twitter, and Instagram wonders why on earth Attention Deficit Disorder could possibly be on the rise. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dr. Philip Stone, a renowned psychologist, as he stared down at his iPhone 5 chuckling. “Oh man. Jimmy Fallon has the best Tweets, I swear.” On the Ellen DeGeneres Show, author Edward M. Hallowell discussed the best ways to deal with ADD and its hyperactive sister ADHD before Ellen showed the “Vine of the Day,” a sweet 7 second video showing a girl singing two bars of music in Central Park. Additionally, Snapchat founders Evan Spiegel and Bobby Murphy vowed yesterday to create more awareness of ADD and ADHD by sending “Stop ADD” promotional pictures that will self-delete in 3 seconds. A final investigative study showed that you've probably already stopped reading this article because someone “Liked” one of your BuzzFeed shares on Facebook and you just have to see who it is. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE!

Local Library Would Like to Remind Everyone Its Shit Is Free

KANSAS CITY, MO – The Kansas City Public Library released a YouTube video statement reminding everyone that all of its services are completely free. “All our shit, totally free,” said David Kemper, board president of the local library since 2001. “No fooling. If you want a book—and we've got a shit ton—just swing on by and check one out. Hell, check out 10. All you need is a library card.” Mr. Kemper went on to say that he just doesn't understand why anyone would pay Amazon or Barnes & Nobel for books that they can “literally get free of fucking charge” at Kansas City’s beautiful library. “And books aren't even the fucking half of it,” exclaimed Mr. Kemper as he started banging his desk with his fists. “Shit, we have a whole fuck load of movies and all the newspapers and magazines you could fucking ask for. And you’re paying for Wi-Fi at your place? Well then you’re a fucking moron because we got all kinds of Wi-Fi up in this shit. All for motherfucking free!” At press time, Mr. Kemper could be seen hanging out by a local Redbox reminding would-be customers that they can save their $1.29 because they better believe that “the KCPL has that shit.” 

All this for zero fucking dollars

Soccer Moms Outside of U.S. Just Called Moms

ANN ARBOR, MI – A study conducted by the International Institute of Nomenclature reported that mothers who care for their soccer-playing children are typically called “soccer moms” in the U.S. but are called just “moms” anywhere else in the world. Domestically, soccer has spurred a rapid growth in women who identify themselves as “soccer moms” because they frequently drive their children to soccer practice and attend interleague games. However, every other mother in every other country outside of the U.S. takes part in these activities on a daily basis, giving the mothers no need to segment themselves into some special group. “Why would I call myself a “soccer” mom?” asked Maria Hernandez through a translator in Mexico. “That would be like calling me a ‘human’ mom.” In an addendum to the study, “hockey moms” in Canada are just called “moms,” and “little league dads” everywhere else in the world are just called “dorks.” 

She thinks she's sooooo special

Total Fucking Weirdo Has Three-Legged Dog Though

QUEENS, NY – A local man dressed from head to toe in leather with multiple piercings and a pitch black mow hawk terrifies the many passersby who see him on the street, at least until they notice that the man is walking a three-legged dog, which probably means he’s a very caring individual with nothing but love in his huge heart. “I was completely intimated by all the buckles and weird make-up,” said Aaron Friedman, who was walking back from Chipotle. “I was just going to keep my head down and avoid eye contact with the freak. That is, until I noticed his dog. And then I realized that this gentle man is probably just misunderstood, and lives a life of tenderness I can only imagine.” Melanie Andrews was going to turn her baby stroller right around to protect her daughter from the monstrous misanthrope before noticing Spud, the dog with a missing hind leg and subject of the mutant’s undying affection. “It just warms my soul,” gushed Mrs. Andrews who then went over to pet Spud’s furry little head before his grisly owner told her to “burn" for her "sins” and marched away. “Awww, bless his heart.”

Don't judge a book by its eyeliner

Chicago Cubs: “This is a Rebuilding Century”

CHICAGO, IL – With a record of 52-68 and standing 19.5 games behind the NL Central leading Pittsburgh Pirates, the Chicago Cubs will mostly likely go another year without a World Series win, but owner Tom Ricketts held a press conference today to calm everyone’s angst and remind fans that the Cubs are in the middle of a rebuilding century. “Look, we knew that this was going to happen. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day,” said the 50-year old billionaire. “After that 1908 World Series win, we lost a lot of great players—hall-of-famers like Mordecai Brown and Joe Tinker. It takes time to fill the gaps in the roster that marquee players like that leave behind.” General manager Jed Hoyer added, “We've come close. We had some luck in those early years with some pennant wins in the 30’s, but you can’t let the fact that we haven’t even been to the World Series since 1945 bother you. The last 68 years have just been a speed bump. It’s a process; it’s a process.” In similar news, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry reminded everyone not to get too worked up about unrest in the Middle East. “They’re in a rebuilding millennium.” 

Just be patient would ya?

$12,000 Watch Tells Time and Date

NEW HAVEN, CT – A brand new IWC watch, purchased for $12,000 by venture capitalist Herman Sheffield, not only tells the time of day to the second, but also gives the date. "Isn't it wonderful?" Mr. Sheffield asked. "It has all three necessary hands to tell the time: hour, minute, and second." He then checked the clock on his iPhone and then back at his IWC Portofino Automatic. "Accurate too. That's superior craftsmanship. Worth every penny." The finance magnate fixed the date on the watch as some salesperson at the store forgot to adjust it as the months rolled on. "The 30/31 day thing can be tricky. You just have to keep tabs on it. But let me tell you, knowing the date can come in real handy sometimes. To me, that's worth the price right there." Mr. Sheffield then wrapped the genuine leather strap around his wrist and went about his day. He also owns a $145,000 car that transports his family from place to place and a $2.8 million house to sleep in and hold all of his belongings.

Truly a modern marvel

BlackBerry to Be Sold on Antiques Roadshow

TORONTO – BlackBerry CEO Thorston Heins announced Monday that BlackBerry will be put up for sale on the Antiques Roadshow, the popular television show broadcast by PBS. Founded in 1999, the mobile phone manufacturer pioneered the smartphone market but has experienced difficulties as of late due to increased competition and touch screens. “We evaluated several options,” explained the visibly tired Mr. Heins, “and we feel that there is great potential within this company. We hope that the expert appraisers at the Antique Roadshow can find that value and make all our hard work worthwhile.” The producers at PBS are very excited at the proposition. “Never have we ever sold something on our show that became an antique so quickly,” said the PBS publicist Jenny Goldman. “Many of the pieces on our show took decades, if not centuries, to become the valuable antiques they are today. But it only took a few years for BlackBerry to become completely dated and irrelevant. We’re very thankful that they didn’t keep up with advancing technology, giving us this wonderful opportunity today.” Mrs. Goldman then announced to stay tuned for further Antiques Roadshow episodes that will include Dell, Nokia, and Groupon.

How far we've come...

Automatic Urinal Clearly Sees Man Still Peeing, Flushes Anyway

LANCASTER, PA – In a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom, Urinal #3 clearly saw that Aaron Ross was still peeing but decided to flush anyway, lightly splashing a mix of water and urine all over Mr. Ross’s freshly pressed khakis. “I just don’t get it,” said Mr. Ross. “I was obviously still relieving myself, but for some reason, the urinal wanted to flush. I tried to back away, but almost pissed all over my pants.” Urinal #3, made by American Standard, had no intention of waiting until Mr. Ross was done. “Look, I’ve seen that guy come in here before, and I don’t like him,” explained the disgruntled bathroom appliance. “He texts while he pees. I deserve more respect than that. Hopefully he learned his lesson and goes to Urinal #4 next time. Or goes and sits like the pansy he is.” Several minutes later Jerry Wright, #3’s favorite patron, came in to use the facilities, and #3 refused to flush because it wanted to “savor the moment just a little while longer.”

Treat this pisser with some respect, would ya?

Fatter, Whiter Tiger Woods Wins PGA Championship

ROCHESTER, NY – Sporting a much fatter and whiter look, Tiger Woods finally broke his major victory drought, which extended all the way back to the 2008 U.S. Open, with his win today at the PGA Championship. A chubbier and much more docile Tiger blasted a round of 63 on Friday, a PGA record, thrusting him into the lead. From there, the rotund, emotionless Mr. Woods was able to maintain his spot on the leaderboard and ultimately win over runner-up Jim Furyk. All weekend, Tiger resembled his former, pre-scandal self, at least in performance—in physical appearance, the 2013 Tiger looked nothing like the Tiger of 2008. “After the scandal, I just wanted to start anew,” said the 15-time major champion. “So I completely stopped working out and caring about what I ate. And my therapist has been helping me keep all my emotions bottled up inside. And I quit being black.” According to many sports analysts, the new, portly Tiger Woods has a bright future ahead of him, and some say he can make a flabby run at Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 championships. In the most surprising news, Elin Nordegren remarried the tubby Woods, changed her hair color, and now goes by the name of Amanda Dufner. 

Tiger Woods really let himself go

Wisconsin Looking to Lose Another Rose Bowl

MADISON, WI – With opening day of the 2013 college football season fast approaching, the football team at the University of Wisconsin - Madison has their sights set on making it to and then losing this year's Rose Bowl for the fourth straight time. The Badgers made NCAA history last year by losing their third consecutive Rose Bowl to Stanford 20-14. The team also lost to Oregon 45-38 in 2012 and TCU 21-19 in 2011. "We thought we weren't going to even have a chance to lose last year," said 2012 team captain and leading rusher Montee Ball. "We really didn't have that great of a season, but because Penn State and Ohio State were both ineligible, we were able to win the Big Ten Leaders division and then thankfully crush Nebraska in the Big Ten Championship game, giving us our shot at 0-3." Wisconsin was riding high after that win over Nebraska, however, and looked as though they could make it 1-2. “I just couldn’t let that happen,” said former coach Bret Bielema who deserted the team just a couple weeks prior to the big game, ensuring the team would get their third “L.” Athletic Director Barry Alvarez almost screwed up the team’s losing dreams with his experience and heart, but thankfully the Stanford defense was too much to handle. New coach Gary Andersen knows he has some big shoes to fill this year but is “very excited to march this team all the way to the Rose Bowl and lose so we can prove, once again, that we're still better than the rest of the Big Ten.”

They Spelled "L" Wrong

Area Homeless Man Avid Coin Collector

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area homeless man Alfred Brown has committed the last ten years of his life to collecting a remarkable coin collection simply by asking people on the street if they could give him their pocket change. His first collector’s item—a 1985 no mint mark Roosevelt dime, worth about $40—came to him by chance in 2003 from a Starbucks in San Diego. From there he was hooked. He started attending collector conventions and dealing on e-Bay, until one day he came to an epiphany. “I realized I could just ask people for their spare change! It’s only change; they won’t mind,” Alfred Brown explained as he described his plan for begging people on the street for money in the off chance that they didn’t know what kind of precious coins they had. However, this hobby soon turned into an obsession, and his street begging took all of his time. Alfred was fired from his advertising firm; he lost his house; and his wife left with his two children. He then moved to Philadelphia to be closer to the U.S. mint facility. At this point, Mr. Brown has amassed a coin collection worth $1.2 million, but his undying wish is to find the Holy Grail: a 1969-S Lincoln cent with a doubled die obverse, worth about $35,000. “If I find that, I can finally focus my attention on my second love: antique liquor bottles.”

Praying for a Buffalo Nickel

Smurfs Sue Blue Man Group

LOS ANGELES, CA – Citing intellectual property infringement and personal damages, the Smurfs filed a class action lawsuit against The Blue Man Group for $100 million. The lovable gang of miniature, blue misfits recently released Smurfs 2, which has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and has generated box office receipts $8 million below expectations through the first two weeks. “Smurfs 2 has an amazing script and was expertly directed,” read Papa Smurf at his tiny press conference podium. “Additionally, the American public loves sequels, especially sequels to children’s movies. Therefore, we believe the only reason for our hardship is the dilution of what we call ‘blue appeal’ brought on by The Blue Man Group. We were the originals.” Brainy Smurf presented all the calculations showing how The Blue Man Group stole the Smurfs’ identity and profited off the “novelty” of being blue, and Smurfette stood there and looked cute. In response, The Blue Man Group just stared awkwardly at the group of reporters before they banged on drums covered in paint and threw marshmallows into their mouths from an impressive distance. Included in the Smurfs’ lawsuit are the Na’vi from Pandora, the Hindu God Vishnu, and depression.

He has power of attorney

Scotti Madison: “I Didn't Use Steroids and Look How Great My Life Turned Out”

As a former Major League Baseball player, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need steroids to be successful, and I’m a perfect example. Just take a look at my illustrious career between 1985-1989 and you’ll see that performing enhancing drugs just aren't necessary to find success in this sport or in life.

In case you aren't already aware, my name is Charles Scott Madison, though my fans always called me Scotti. I played 71 games over five seasons with the Detroit Tigers, Kansas City Royals, and Cincinnati Reds. Three, that’s three, Major League Baseball teams wanted me on their roster over just five years—and all without the use of human growth hormones.

I remember that once in the locker room, a fellow player offered me a whole host of drugs that would help me in my career. He had lean mass builders, stimulants, blood boosters, and many different types of anabolic steroids. But I rejected every one of them. And then I went on to a career batting average of .163 with 11 RBIs and 1 home run, proving that you don’t need huge, medically enhanced arms to hit the ball out of the park—just some talent and a lot of hard work.

But my successes didn't end there. After my amazing career in the major leagues, I went on to join Aflac and professionally sell insurance for that prestigious institution. I was the number one salesman out of 60,000 Aflac agents. I won the Chairman Emeritus Award for my distinguished sales achievement, which is an award given only once a year. Thanks to Aflac, I was able to buy a beautiful three bedroom house in one of the best subdivisions in Pensacola, FL. And again, I did it all without the use of any kind of performance enhancing drugs. No adderall, cocaine, or even caffeine—I've been coffee free since 1992.

Most recently, I wrote a book called “Just a Phone Call Away: A Major Journey through the Minor Leagues.” It’s about the minor leagues and all the wonderful players and coaches who never cheated and only used their God-given gifts and never-ending dedication. Not a single one of them used any xenoandrogens, beta-2 agonists, or selective androgen receptor modulators, and many of them went on to have remarkable careers in the minor leagues. You've heard of many of them, I’m sure.

Knowing that success like mine can come without cheating, it’s a real shame to see someone like Alex Rodriguez who felt like he needed to stick chemicals in his arm in order to achieve his dreams. Sure, he has spent his entire career in the spotlight, becoming famous on an international level, dating super models and getting everything he ever wanted. And sure, he has a career batting average of .300 with 647 home runs and 1,950 RBIs. And sure he has made millions upon millions of dollars, and will continue to make millions of dollars even if he is officially convicted of using performing enhancing drugs. And he’ll probably get into the Hall of Fame eventually, once people forget the steroid thing. But he has lost his integrity, which is invaluable, if you ask me.

And I’m here to tell you that you can have an amazing life like mine if you don’t cheat and follow all the rules. It’s worth it.

It has to be.

This Omaha Royals baseball card with
my name on it is proof that success
can come naturally for some

For Bob, Unemployment Rate Remains at 100%

NEENAH, WI - The Labor Department released numbers today saying that the U.S. economy added 162,000 jobs in July and the unemployment rate dropped to 7.4%, but Bob Collins added 0 jobs in July and his unemployment rate remains at 100%. U.S. unemployment has fallen from a peak of 10% in October 2008; however, Bob’s unemployment rate has been 100% since he was laid off from the paper mill in December 2008. “I've been trying to increase my numbers, but there are just no jobs out there for me,” the depressed 41-year old said. “I don’t know any of those 162,000 people, but maybe if I find one, they can tell me how they did it.” In related news, the Case-Shiller 20-City Housing Index increased 2.45% last month, but Bob still lives with his mom.

His divorce rate is at 200%

Anthony Weiner Turns Out To Be Andy Kaufman

New York, NY – In the most elaborate hoax of his storied career, Andy Kaufman revealed himself to be the man behind Anthony Weiner, a character he just made up. The entertainer, thought to have died in 1984, pulled off his detailed Anthony Weiner mask yesterday during a press conference and just started laughing hysterically. “I got you!” he proclaimed. “I got you! I got you! I got you!” He then pointed and jumped around, giggling in the faces of each reporter. “How did you guys not see this?! A politician named ‘Weiner’ that shows his wiener to people on the internet?! I mean come ON!” Mr. Kaufman explained that he was originally going to end the joke there, because there was no way people would ever forgive this terrible character and give him another chance at a political career, “but sure enough, you guys welcomed him back.” The performance artist was actually a little disappointed in himself that he just did the same “dick on the internet thing” instead of thinking of something new for the second scandal, but it worked “like a charm.” Huma Abedin, Weiner’s wife, revealed herself to be Jerry “The King” Lawler. They both will be on Letterman tomorrow night.

No way Anthony Weiner is a real person

White Woman Segregates Her Groceries from Black Woman’s Groceries

ATLANTA, GA – In a move that harkens back to the days of Jim Crow, a white woman segregated her groceries from the groceries of a black woman standing behind her in the checkout line. Without any hesitation and completely devoid of emotion, the white woman callously placed a plastic rod between the two groups of food items, making sure that her own groceries could in no way mingle or integrate with those of her dark-skinned, fellow shopper. The white lady than purchased her items, never even once acknowledging the black lady behind her, who was just patiently waiting while, once again, a heartless white woman gets to go first.  The cashier, who has become so accustomed to this kind of behavior in the South, just scanned the white lady’s items and said nothing in the face of such terrible bigotry. Once the cashier was done with the transaction, and the white lady went back to her plantation, the clerk threw the plastic rod of segregation back into the queue to continue the vicious cycle of hatred.

Dr. Martin Luther King dreamed of something better