BREAKING: Dentist Drilling Your Mom Right Now

SANTA FE, NM – A series of reports are coming in saying that your family dentist Dr. Simms is currently drilling your mom. Allegedly, your mother left for her appointment about an hour ago, and according to an eyewitness named Andrea Miller, the office receptionist, your mom waited for a few minutes reading Time magazine while Dr. Simms prepared his tools to drill your mom. He then called her into his tiny room and laid her out flat on a reclining chair, which he’s used to drill lots of women, before telling her to open up so he can start drilling her—right in her mouth. He closed the door and gave your mom anesthesia to loosen her up a bit and remove any inhibitions so as not to fight against his aggressive drilling. It is expected that he is about half way through drilling your mom as you read this report. Smoke is coming out of your mom as your family dentist repeatedly shoves his tools into her mouth, and there is nothing you can do about it. The latest report says that when Dr. Simms is done drilling your mom he’s then going to have sex with her.

Don't ask what the eye glasses are for

Girl Uses Middle Name as Last Name on Facebook to Prevent Rape or Something

PORTLAND, OR – Elizabeth Reese uses only her first and middle name on Facebook, going by the name of Elizabeth Anne, to prevent rape or something. Her friends first noticed the change from Elizabeth Reese to Elizabeth Anne several months ago. “At first I thought I had a new friend, but then realized it was Elizabeth when I saw that she had the same profile picture,” said high school friend Kelly Friedman. “I guess she did it to make sure no one is stalking her? Or to prevent identity theft? I have no idea.” In fact, all other information on Elizabeth’s profile remained the same, including her alma mater, hometown, address, and phone number, but her surname is now Anne, which might prevent her from getting murdered somehow reports assume. “I mean, maybe she thinks some rapist is looking for her? And he’ll search for Elizabeth Reese on Facebook, see she’s not there, and then rape someone else?” imagined Elizabeth’s college ex-boyfriend Adam Lane. “I hope she’s not in trouble.” Reporters were able to confirm that absolutely no one is looking to rape Elizabeth or steal her identity, so maybe she just doesn’t like her last name probably. 

Hiding in plain sight

25 Things That Will Remind You That You Were Born In The 80s

1. Your driver’s license.
2. Your expired driver’s license, which you've kept for some reason.
3. Your 27th birthday was last year.
4. Your 28th birthday was this year.
5. Your 29th birthday is next year.
6. All your passwords end in “85," which represents the year you were born.
7. Your mom was born in 1951, and she had you when she was 34, meaning you were born in 1985.
8. You remind everyone you were born during the football season of the 1985 Chicago Bears, only the best team in the NFL’s history.
9. That Chase credit card application you just filled out asked for your birthday, and you answered correctly because you’re an adult.
10. The fact that you remember your birthday was September 2, 1985.
11. Your most recent W2.
12. Your college student ID. It doesn't have your birthday on it, but it was issued when you were 18 in 2003, meaning you were born 18 years prior (i.e. during the 1980s).
13. That carnie at the state fair guessed right when he said you were 27 years old this past summer.
14. You definitely don’t feel like a teenager anymore, but you don’t have kids either. So, you’re probably in your late 20s.
15. That girl who you met last month in a bar will remind you that you told her you were 31, which you know was a lie by 3 years because you like girls thinking you’re mature but look young.
16. Reagan was president when you were born, and he held office during the 1980s.
17. You and your best friend were born three days apart, and he’s 28 too.
18. Woodstock , held in the summer of 1969, was 16 years prior to when you were born. Your dad tells you all the time.
19. Your U.S. Passport with a decent amount of stamps in it will tell you that you were born 28 years ago.
20. You are fully, and completely aware that you are 28 years of age, and don’t need stupid reminders like pictures of Alf or snap bracelets to distract you from work when your career is so important right now because you’re in your late 20s.
21. You went to the first grade in 1990, which means you were either born in the 1980s or held back in kindergarten for a very long time (which you weren’t).
22. Your older brother always says things like “Wanna see 29?!” when you piss him off.
23. You were alive in 1989.
24. Your mom. Your mom will always remind you of these things when you forget. Because she’s your mom and she loves you.
25. You’re 28.

Can I write for BuzzFeed now?

Days Without Mass Shooting Sign Reverts Back to Zero

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the tragic shooting in a Washington Navy Yard that killed at least 12 people, the national “Days Without A Mass Shooting” sign clicked back down to zero. The sign was originally erected in 1995 by the NRA to inspire people to be careful and remind them to stop shooting each other. The daily counter made it all the way to 276 days, the amount of time since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 14, 2012, which resulted in the heartbreaking deaths of 26 children and teachers. The shooting rampage that resulted in six deaths by the hand of Pedro Alberto Vargas in Hialeah, FL in July of this year did not reset the counter as the definition of “mass shooting” was amended to be no less than 10 people when the U.S. ban on assault weapons was lifted in 2004. Some have called for more drastic measures in an effort to increase the streaks between shootings; in response, the NRA has vowed to make the sign bigger. 

This sign has never seen a comma

Self-Named "Grammar Nazi" Apparently Unaware of What Nazis Actually Did

GRAND FORKS, ND – Derrick Williams, a local man who deems himself a "Grammar Nazi," is seemingly unaware or at least very misinformed about what members of the Nazi party actually did. "I'm kind of a perfectionist," says Mr. Williams, referring to capitalization and punctuation, completely ignoring the actual Nazi definition of "perfection" (i.e. the complete dominance of the Aryan race and the utter eradication of the Jewish race). Mr. Williams explained that he strictly follows Strunk & White, the fathers of proper sentence structure, which he thinks puts him on par with the masses of people who followed Adolph Hitler into a World War that ultimately killed 60 million people. During the interview, it became clear that Mr. Williams has, in fact, heard of what the Nazi party represents—world domination, ethnic cleansing, war crimes—yet continues to use the term to describe his gently condescending and pretentious nature when it comes to correcting his friends' writing. When the discrepancy was pointed out, Mr. Williams said it was "just a joke" because he apparently also thinks the hate-filled National Socialism party of 1940s Germany is funny.

Don't get these guys started on an Oxford Comma

Pregnant Teenager Tries Abstinence

HOUSTON, TX – Shelly Foster, a sophomore at Aldine Senior High School who is currently five months pregnant, has decided to follow her teachers’ guidance and try abstinence in the hopes that it will end her pregnancy. “I’ve chosen to stop having sex with my long-time boyfriend Ricky,” explained the young lady of sixteen years in the school cafeteria. “According to everything I’ve learned, the baby should be gone in about a month.” Ricky told her that he’s read online that condoms and safe sex are a better alternative, but Miss Foster retorts that those options only prevent pregnancy, whereas abstinence is the best way to handle an unwanted pregnancy. “As a young girl living in Texas, abstinence is the only way to make this mistake go away. I mean it just makes sense—if you don’t have sex, you won’t be pregnant. It’s that easy.” From here on out, Shelly has vowed to resist the very natural urge and sexual curiosity of a hormonal teenager, which, according to her textbooks, should make the baby disappear until it’s mature enough to be a baby. Reporters asked Miss Foster if she’s considered abortion, but she said she’s never heard of it.

Only BJs till this thing goes away.

Syrian Boy Wants To Be a Fireman If He Grows Up

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Syrian boy Anay Khalid told his mother yesterday that he would like to be a fireman if he survives the civil war and gets to grow up. According to his mom, the 6-year old has always loved helping people, and barring an early death due to rebel cross fire or road side bombs, the young man wants to apply to the Damascus Fire Department and help those in need. "I really like the outfits," said the child who can only achieve his dream if he makes it to DFD’s minimum age of 18, which seems less likely with every passing day in the war torn country. Not only will Anay need to pass the department’s difficult entry exam and rigorous physical tests, he will need to refrain from joining the rebel and army recruiters, avoid any IEDs just lying on the busy streets, and stay away from any government buildings so as not to become collateral damage from U.S. drone attacks. "If I can do all that, then hopefully I can help save lives." Because of the recent chemical attacks ordered by President Bashar al-Assad, Anay's 10-year-old sister, who wanted to be a veterinarian, will not grow up.

Good luck, kid.

Office Gets To Talk About Jesus Today

NEW YORK, NY – With all of the Jewish employees taking work off to observe Rosh Hashanah on Thursday, all of the Christian workers at Kimball & Company are enjoying the freedom to kick back and openly talk about Jesus.  “We know that our Jewish co-workers don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, so out of respect we usually keep pretty hush-hush about all the Son of God talk when they’re here,” said VP of Sales Patrick Rodgers. “But every Jewish New Year we really let loose. We just sit in the office and chat about our Savior all day. It’s like Christmas in September.” Every year, the group of New Testament fans do something different to honor the Son conceived by the Holy Spirit. “In 2008, we just sat in a circle and talked about all the things we love about Jesus: the miracles, the wisdom, the endless love.” For this year’s celebration, the team plans on hosting a baptism of Executive Assistant Kelly Larkin’s newborn daughter in the CEO’s office—probably right on the Jewish executive’s desk. Baahir Amin, the newly hired analyst, will be joining in on the celebrations as he hasn't yet told anyone that he’s Muslim.

Finally, a day to freely talk about this Guy

Mother Earth Putting Us Up For Adoption

EARTH – Citing rampant pollution, never ending infighting, and continued wastefulness of her natural resources, Mother Earth made the very difficult decision on Tuesday to put all of us up for adoption. After giving a valiant effort for the past 100,000 years, she came to the realization that she just can’t handle our childish behavior anymore. “I think back to the time before I had all you humans,” Mother Earth recalled in an emotional press release, “and more, and more I look back on those quiet years with fondness.” She has been raising us as a single mom since God left Mother Earth in 1928. By herself, she was unable to stop us from causing the Great Depression, two World Wars, a holocaust, nuclear explosions, chemical warfare, and unbridled terrorism. On top of all that, Mother Earth said that we have left her “ransacked and barren” as we have “poked and prodded” her in our incessant, obsessive need for more energy resources despite the fact that her brother Sun is staring us all in the face. “I have tried to warn you with global warming and what I thought to be an obvious increase in natural disasters, but you all have done nothing to change your juvenile habits,” Mother Earth cried. She sent out a call to the rest of the universe in the hopes that someone else might be willing to take care of us. As of press time, no one has answered.

Go apologize to your Mother!

Everybody at Gym Proud of Fat Guy Exercising

DENVER, CO – In the local 24-Hour Fitness, everybody in the gym felt a small sense of pride when they saw area fat man Gary Pierce exercising. Anna Wright was on the treadmill when she saw the obese Mr. Pierce waddle over to the counter and check in. "I assumed he just joined because I haven't seen him here before, but it made me smile to see him giving exercise a shot." Mr. Pierce then shuffled over to the free weight area and attempted to bench press the 45 pound bar. "His form was terrible," said Andrew Clay, a local personal trainer. "But with a little help, he could really turn his body around. I'd be happy to offer him guidance with his weight loss goals. Stories like his can be so inspiring." "I'm just more impressed that he goes out in public, let alone a gym—in shorts," stated local underwear model Aaron James. "I wouldn't even leave my house if I looked like that. So, yeah, good for him." Mr. Pierce was also pretty proud of himself for his 20-minute attempt at working out and awarded himself with a milkshake on the way home.

Valiant effort